1. I feel like a large part of why I often feel unhappy is that I don't know what I want. And I expect too much of people. And so I'm constantly getting hurt and frustrated and disappointed. This needs to be fixed.
2. I don't really like Halloween.
3. I don't like foreigner bars.
4. I don't like Sundays.
5. As much as I like soy milk, there's something nice about drinking real cow milk.
6. I love packages from home.
7. I decided to live dangerously and cut off all my hair at a salaryman hair-cutting place. Turned out not so bad.
8. I'm starting to think that I really do have an eating disorder. But that's about as much as I want to talk about it for now.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I thought of you yesterday. I sat on the railing where we said our goodbyes.
That place reminded me of you way before we ever even met there. Because of the signs. Because of the people. The area wreaks of memories and hopes and dreams and comfort and love and sadness of what never was.
The thing is that no matter how much I think I've moved on, you're always there in the back of my mind.
I'm not ready to let go completely.
I want to see you. I want to talk. I want to feel like I matter to you.
When will we meet again?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
12. 10. 23
1. I've been trying to be a more positive person these days. But today it just isn't really working.
2. I really want to punch a lot of people in the face right now. But it's hard through a computer screen.
3. If you can solve the problem with a google search, don't ask me. I really don't mind helping out a friend, but really, use some common sense, please. And if you're going to not even try to have a conversation with me before or after or even thank me then just what the hell. Just because I'm online doesn't mean I'm waiting to be of your service.
4. I've heard two really sad stories in two days and I can't seem to shake either of them. And I feel so guilty to feel so sad over them. Because who am I to make myself the victim in this? There are so many more people who are directly involved and are probably taking it better than me. How self-centered am I, really? Fuck.
5. I bought a giant stuffed Green Man (from Toy Story) and I feel no regrets about this.
6. School has become really hard. Not the work but finding the motivation to get things done. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
7. I skipped my first classes since starting at Bunka yesterday to go see the doctor. At first I felt really guilty about skipping class (because attendance is pretty much THE most important thing in school in Japan), but after I did it I felt unbelievably free. (And the doctor's appointment went well, so that helped too). So I absolutely made the right decision.
8. Boys are still complicated. I need more male Japanese friends to help me interpret things. Or perhaps I should start going after guys who are less vague and confusing. But alas, Japan is the country of vague men, so no luck there. All part of cultural learnings, I guess.
9. My roommate and me always tend to get things from back home at the same time. It's very curious. He gets home from Switzerland tomorrow (hopefully equipped with chocolaty goods!) and I just got a mail from my dad saying that a package was just sent from Canada. It's happened like 4 or 5 times total since I've moved in. And it isn't just holiday-related either. Maybe it's an Italian-mother connection? lol
2. I really want to punch a lot of people in the face right now. But it's hard through a computer screen.
3. If you can solve the problem with a google search, don't ask me. I really don't mind helping out a friend, but really, use some common sense, please. And if you're going to not even try to have a conversation with me before or after or even thank me then just what the hell. Just because I'm online doesn't mean I'm waiting to be of your service.
4. I've heard two really sad stories in two days and I can't seem to shake either of them. And I feel so guilty to feel so sad over them. Because who am I to make myself the victim in this? There are so many more people who are directly involved and are probably taking it better than me. How self-centered am I, really? Fuck.
5. I bought a giant stuffed Green Man (from Toy Story) and I feel no regrets about this.
6. School has become really hard. Not the work but finding the motivation to get things done. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
7. I skipped my first classes since starting at Bunka yesterday to go see the doctor. At first I felt really guilty about skipping class (because attendance is pretty much THE most important thing in school in Japan), but after I did it I felt unbelievably free. (And the doctor's appointment went well, so that helped too). So I absolutely made the right decision.
8. Boys are still complicated. I need more male Japanese friends to help me interpret things. Or perhaps I should start going after guys who are less vague and confusing. But alas, Japan is the country of vague men, so no luck there. All part of cultural learnings, I guess.
9. My roommate and me always tend to get things from back home at the same time. It's very curious. He gets home from Switzerland tomorrow (hopefully equipped with chocolaty goods!) and I just got a mail from my dad saying that a package was just sent from Canada. It's happened like 4 or 5 times total since I've moved in. And it isn't just holiday-related either. Maybe it's an Italian-mother connection? lol
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
12.10.17
1. Can't concentrate on anything.
2. Tummy feels icky.
3. I don't do well with stress.
4. I don't really know why I'm stressed. And I'm sorta banking on the fact that this whole feeling unwell business is stress-, and not sick-, related. I know there are a couple of things upsetting me right now, but I don't know why either of them would leave me feeling like this. But then again, this is me, and this is stress, and it's all very possible. Being an obsessive-compulsive hypochondriac with low tolerance to stress is all kinds of fun. So I never really feel all that well. And I'm sure my poor diet doesn't help with this either.
5. I'm really fucking tired and I should just sleep. But I probably won't and probably can't sleep well in this state anyways.
6. So that awful Celine Dion ad on the Yamanote Line has been replaced with a wonderful Kimutaku one instead. It goes without saying that I'm ecstatic.
7. Kimutaku releasing a new drama = Kimutaku on all the magazine covers = A very happy Christina. Also this drama is the first drama since Mr. Brain where he has nice hair (though it was a tad too long in Mr. Brain, but still...) His hair at this length is perfect. He looked way too old in Nankyoku Tairiku and Tsuki no Koibito. But yeah. He looks good. Ehehe. Let's just hope that this drama doesn't make me cry as much as Nankyoku Tairiku did. Man, that one was brutal lol. Anyways I think it starts next week? It should be fun to watch dramas again :)
2. Tummy feels icky.
3. I don't do well with stress.
4. I don't really know why I'm stressed. And I'm sorta banking on the fact that this whole feeling unwell business is stress-, and not sick-, related. I know there are a couple of things upsetting me right now, but I don't know why either of them would leave me feeling like this. But then again, this is me, and this is stress, and it's all very possible. Being an obsessive-compulsive hypochondriac with low tolerance to stress is all kinds of fun. So I never really feel all that well. And I'm sure my poor diet doesn't help with this either.
5. I'm really fucking tired and I should just sleep. But I probably won't and probably can't sleep well in this state anyways.
6. So that awful Celine Dion ad on the Yamanote Line has been replaced with a wonderful Kimutaku one instead. It goes without saying that I'm ecstatic.
7. Kimutaku releasing a new drama = Kimutaku on all the magazine covers = A very happy Christina. Also this drama is the first drama since Mr. Brain where he has nice hair (though it was a tad too long in Mr. Brain, but still...) His hair at this length is perfect. He looked way too old in Nankyoku Tairiku and Tsuki no Koibito. But yeah. He looks good. Ehehe. Let's just hope that this drama doesn't make me cry as much as Nankyoku Tairiku did. Man, that one was brutal lol. Anyways I think it starts next week? It should be fun to watch dramas again :)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
More Life
1. I eat a lot of bananas. They are pretty much the cheapest fruit you can buy in Japan.
2. I don't ever want to move out of this apartment. But I'm going to have to eventually. Baaah T__T
3. I really like coffee shops. And cafes. And I want to spend every day just sitting in little cafes and talking with friends or reading or studying or drawing or whatever.
4. I was just thinking "man, my roommate sleeps in late" and then I realized it was 9 am and it's actually very normal to be sleeping in till 9 am on a Sunday. I accidentally left all my alarms on this morning, so I got up at 7. Oh well. Gonna try to get ready quickly and head off to my nearest coffee shop and do some studying about material.
5. That material class is really fucking hard and boring. It's like science, but in Japanese. Eff. Gotta study though if I wanna actually pass this class. Faitooo!
6. I don't eat nearly enough katsudon. Or tonkatsu. And this should be fixed immediately.
7. I want to do more things. I want to go out more. I want to work harder. I want to take more walks. I want to discover more about where I live. I want to learn more. I want to talk more. I want to meet more people.
8. I really like finding out about people's lives. That makes me sound like a big creeper, but I really like knowing the tiny details about people. It makes them more three-dimensional.
9. I talk a lot about myself because I feel bad asking people questions about them. Because I'm bad at filtering and stuff and I don't know when things get too personal and when I should stop and not pry. But I really do like to listen to people. So tell me things, yes?
2. I don't ever want to move out of this apartment. But I'm going to have to eventually. Baaah T__T
3. I really like coffee shops. And cafes. And I want to spend every day just sitting in little cafes and talking with friends or reading or studying or drawing or whatever.
4. I was just thinking "man, my roommate sleeps in late" and then I realized it was 9 am and it's actually very normal to be sleeping in till 9 am on a Sunday. I accidentally left all my alarms on this morning, so I got up at 7. Oh well. Gonna try to get ready quickly and head off to my nearest coffee shop and do some studying about material.
5. That material class is really fucking hard and boring. It's like science, but in Japanese. Eff. Gotta study though if I wanna actually pass this class. Faitooo!
6. I don't eat nearly enough katsudon. Or tonkatsu. And this should be fixed immediately.
7. I want to do more things. I want to go out more. I want to work harder. I want to take more walks. I want to discover more about where I live. I want to learn more. I want to talk more. I want to meet more people.
8. I really like finding out about people's lives. That makes me sound like a big creeper, but I really like knowing the tiny details about people. It makes them more three-dimensional.
9. I talk a lot about myself because I feel bad asking people questions about them. Because I'm bad at filtering and stuff and I don't know when things get too personal and when I should stop and not pry. But I really do like to listen to people. So tell me things, yes?
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Life
I'm way too distracted these days to write long posts, so I think I'll steal Akane's format and just make lists for a while. They're pretty good at supplying the world with updates.
So:
1. I took a nice long walk all around Shibuya Ward today. I like seeing how the big parts of the city attach to the little parts and I love just walking in a straight line and seeing where it takes me.
2. I should have done 1 without carrying my 5kg bag on my shoulder the whole time. Three hours of lugging that bag around wasn't the best idea ever. My right shoulder will be all kinds of worse tomorrow morning. Eff.
3. Life is a matter of perspective. A few days ago there was a 3.9 earthquake in Montreal and my FB was flooded with updates. The next day there was 5.0 earthquake in Chiba during class and my teacher just looked up, said "oh, it's an earthquake" and everyone went back to doing what they were doing. And being on the seventh floor of the building, it shook quite a bit.
4. I really fucking hate PTSD. A year and a half later, I'm still shaking a lot. So everyone in Montreal talking about how "exciting" the earthquake was can go shove it.
5. Boys will forever be a mystery to me. It doesn't matter how old I get or how old they get. I don't get them. The end.
6. Everywhere I went today, I saw mixed couples and their children. Everywhere. I must have seen like a dozen of Gaijin-Japanese couples (and even a few that were Gaijin-Woman-Japanese-Man couples, which are extremely rare for those of you who don't know). Seeing couples isn't that weird. But, I swear, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAD KIDS WITH THEM. It was odd.
7. Autumn will never really come to Tokyo. It went up to like 25C or so today. But before you know it it's gonna get cold and it'll be winter. The nice-weather seasons really don't last in Tokyo and it's sad.
8. I'm happy with where I am right now. Things aren't easy and I'm very confused about what I want and where I'm going. But when I sit down and think about where I've gotten, I'm really kind of amazed. I need to work hard to keep this.
So:
1. I took a nice long walk all around Shibuya Ward today. I like seeing how the big parts of the city attach to the little parts and I love just walking in a straight line and seeing where it takes me.
2. I should have done 1 without carrying my 5kg bag on my shoulder the whole time. Three hours of lugging that bag around wasn't the best idea ever. My right shoulder will be all kinds of worse tomorrow morning. Eff.
3. Life is a matter of perspective. A few days ago there was a 3.9 earthquake in Montreal and my FB was flooded with updates. The next day there was 5.0 earthquake in Chiba during class and my teacher just looked up, said "oh, it's an earthquake" and everyone went back to doing what they were doing. And being on the seventh floor of the building, it shook quite a bit.
4. I really fucking hate PTSD. A year and a half later, I'm still shaking a lot. So everyone in Montreal talking about how "exciting" the earthquake was can go shove it.
5. Boys will forever be a mystery to me. It doesn't matter how old I get or how old they get. I don't get them. The end.
6. Everywhere I went today, I saw mixed couples and their children. Everywhere. I must have seen like a dozen of Gaijin-Japanese couples (and even a few that were Gaijin-Woman-Japanese-Man couples, which are extremely rare for those of you who don't know). Seeing couples isn't that weird. But, I swear, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAD KIDS WITH THEM. It was odd.
7. Autumn will never really come to Tokyo. It went up to like 25C or so today. But before you know it it's gonna get cold and it'll be winter. The nice-weather seasons really don't last in Tokyo and it's sad.
8. I'm happy with where I am right now. Things aren't easy and I'm very confused about what I want and where I'm going. But when I sit down and think about where I've gotten, I'm really kind of amazed. I need to work hard to keep this.
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