Stress Stress Stress

Application forms are not only a pain in the ass, but I'm pretty sure I'm actually allergic to them.

Or at least I have some sort of application-form phobia. Who knows. All I know is that if I amount to nothing in life, it'll be because I had a nervous breakdown in front of a half-completed application form for something uberly important, didn't make the deadline, and was royally screwed as a result of this.

All this to say, I'm in hyper-stressed mode, cause all the shit has a tendency of hitting the fan at the same time. But I guess it can't be helped, so I'll do what I can, right? And if that means binge-eating chocolate and other equally bad-for-my-health foods, then so be it!

Inside

I had been thinking about earthquakes all day.

Not that a day goes by without thinking about them, mind you. Not a day goes by that I don't feel my body shake, even though the ground stands still.

But lately they had seemed to have disappeared. And perhaps, because in my mind, we were due to have one any time soon, I was lead to think of them all day.

Earlier today, as I mindlessly browsed Facebook for hours while waiting for packages to arrive, a friend of mine mentioned a National Geographic documentary about the March 11th quake, and how she couldn't watch more than seven minutes of it. So I looked it up myself. I only got through five.

I don't know why I looked it up. Maybe curiosity. Maybe a sort of deranged nostalgia. I couldn't remember the feeling of an earthquake. Everything just felt so distant. So far. But as I watched what seemed like hours of footage squeezed into the several hundred seconds of video I actually watched, I felt entirely tense. I had goosebumps. I had tears in my eyes. And I couldn't look away.

I could have probably watched the whole thing. But I saw the state I was already in, and figured that mentally, emotionally, and probably physically as well, I probably shouldn't put myself through this right now. Not now.

The day passed by, and I kept thinking of everything. Of how life has changed. How I have changed since March. And how incomprehensible all this is to those who weren't here.

In my mind, this is the most significant uchi/soto relationship.

Tonight, as I sat in my nearly pitch-black room, the light bulb to my only lamp dead and currently un-changeable, the ground began to shake again. After weeks of calm, the chaos returned.

This is what separates us.

望みは何かと訊かれたら・・・

・・・君がこの星に居てくれることだ

　 投稿者 yukimusicbox

Sometimes all it takes is someone's bad attitude and horrible words to put you in a shit mood all day. And today was no doubt one of those days.

I've always prided myself on the fact that it takes a whole lot to offend me. But that doesn't mean that I'm not easily hurt. In fact, it's somewhat the opposite.

But that being said, if I am to be hurt, let me be hurt by the people directly involved in the situation at hand. I don't need you to shit on my dreams, as unattainable as they may be, in the hopes of keeping me from being hurt later on. I'm not that frail that I need you to cushion the blow with your negative bullshit. You don't know me well enough to say what you said today, you've never met the other party involved, and you have no right to "save me" the pain of what may or may not come in the future. Furthermore, you have no right to say that you're telling me is "the truth." You aren't this other person, you have no idea of what's going on in someone else's head, so don't insist that you're right.

I know you could be right. I'm sure you probably are too. But I'm especially good at crushing my own hopes. I really don't need another party to help me feel like shit.

I really don't have all that many dreams. And some of them I am quite aware will never be realized. Because they're dreams, and thus not reality. But I don't need to be reminded of that. Because it is sometimes these tiny unattainable dreams that help us from falling apart in life. And I need every little bit of fake hope some days to keep me sane.

Please, Please, Please...

I'm starting to believe that Morrissey and Co. totally wrote all those Smiths songs about me, back in the 80s.

I mean, let's just ignore the fact that the Smiths broke up before I was even born....

...but I swear you can tell the story of my life through their song titles alone.

I've been listening to the song Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want a lot lately. Well, because there are things that I want in life that seem simple enough, and that I feel I never actually seem to have. That and because the song is wonderful.

But today, upon listening to it for the umpteenth time, I couldn't help but wonder: Am I just not getting what I want in life? or is it that I am getting what I want, but it turns out that what I wanted just isn't what I expected it to be?

Expect Less, Enjoy More

What you come to realize when you start to "grow up", is that when you're old enough to make your own decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself for the disappointments you feel.

It isn't others who disappoint us. It is us who place people higher than we should, and when these people fail to give us whatever fantastical things we have imagined that they would one day give us, we are hurt, angry and upset.

But these people have never promised us these things that we seem to want from them. It is us who projected things onto them.

And so it is unfair to be angry with them.




Which, I guess means that the only logical step to go from here is to try and want less. Try to expect less. And try to spend more time enjoying what we do have. Because without that, we have nothing at all.

Nine Months

I can't believe it's been a whole month since my last post!

Well, since my last update, I've finished yet another semester at school, I've moved into a guest house, and Japan and I have celebrated our nine month anniversary.

Nine months.

That being said, we've officially hit the point in time in which I was supposed to be back in Montreal. But here I am, in Tokyo. No regrets.

If I were a good blogger, I'd reflect upon how the last nine months have been eye-opening and worldview-changing, but we all know I'm not like that. That being said, here's to another nine months, Tokyo!

Not gonna lie, I do need to finally get my ass in gear and start applying for part-time work. That or I'll start running out of money. Not that I'm that attached to money per se, but more money means more time in Japan. And I'm still not ready to leave.

I'm sure I'll hit a point when it'll be time to go home. I don't think Tokyo is my forever home. But it's my for-now home, and I plan to enjoy it as much as I can while I'm here. :)

Roller Coaster Pinky

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. But so long as there are ups, I have to think positively.

The downs, well, they aren't the bad kind of downs, but the foreboding future-deciding downs.

For one, I've chosen to extend my stay in Japan for at least one more semester. Which is absolutely a good thing. But with extending my stay, means having to find a new place to live, which is stressing me out like hell. And when Pinky stresses out, she avoids dealing with said stressor, and thus the problem is not solved.

And because I really don't want to dwell on that horrible reality, that's as far as I'm taking up that update for now.

Another horrible reality, is that I'm trying to figure out what to do post-KCP (KCP being the name of my language school). Do I apply to grad school? Do I try to find a job? And if I do want to work, as what? And if I do want to do grad school, I need to seriously get my ass in gear and get on those applications.

But as with the previously mentioned stress-topic, this is as far as I'm going to take this as well for now.

See where I'm getting at? I don't want to face my problems. But I really have no choice but to face them. And fast. Cause I'm running out of time to dilly-dally.

But let's talk about fun things too. Because, I enjoy fun things~! (And you should too!)

I had a really good weekend~! Even though I was feeling sorta anti-social on Saturday, I got invited by some Harajuku Fashion Friends to some event, so I decided what the hell, and went. And it was super fun~! I got to go to a part of town I'd never been to, and take trains I'd never taken, and as I love exploring and trains, such things inevitably make me quite excited. Then the event itself, which was pretty small-scale and underground-ish, was a lot of fun too. I look forward to the next one~!

Then on Sunday I walked around all over town~! First from Shibuya to Daikanyama. Then all over Daikanyama. Then back to Shibuya. And finally from Shibuya to Shinjuku. I'm aware this means almost nothing to most people reading it, but it was a significant amount of walking, which makes me super happy. Needless to say, my legs were super sore when I woke up this morning, but no regrets! When it gets a little cooler, maybe I'll try to walk the entirety of the Yamanote Line (which I heard takes something like twelve hours to complete)!

So Pinky's conclusion of the day: So long as there are ups, I can find a way to get through the downs. Fuck do I ever sound like one of those positive people today lol.