1. It finally hit me today. I've apologized. There's nothing more that I can do. If he decides to not acknowledge this and to ignore me, then that's his problem. I didn't really do anything wrong anyway.
2. But today I got to finally snub him. I don't like doing this kind of shit. But really, what else am I supposed to do? If he's gonna pretend to not notice me, I'll do the same right back at him.
3. Morrissey. And The Smiths. And Morrissey. And The Smiths.
4. No, but really, Morrissey and/or The Smiths are perfect for virtually any mood. Hate the world and want to punch everyone in the face? Just woke up and don't know what to do with your day? In a good mood? Sure! It's all quite upbeat for music about subtly hating everyone. Aahhh, it's love.
5. 喜んでもらってすごく嬉しかったよ。あんたいつも隠そうとしてるけどさ、実際は善いやつだな。可愛いよな。
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
13.11.17
1. I haven't been doing much of anything lately. It was all bunka fest for about a month, along with sewing pigs forever. Then BAM bunka fest ends, pigs are handed in, and despite still having a mountain of shit to get done, the brain just says no, and I come home every day and stare blankly at my computer for hours, while the infinite scrolling of tumblr gets the best of me. Then somehow before you know it, it's 1 am and I still haven't done a thing, but it's late and time for bed and another day is wasted. How long as this been going on for? Two weeks? Something like that.
2. No, but seriously, I gotta get my shit together. One month to do so fucking much. Aaaah.
3. This really isn't a conversation. And as much as I like her and all, I don't think she realizes how I'm really not the best person to have these conversations with.
4. I've started watching a new show that really isn't all that great but I guess it'll do for now. At the speed I go through shows these days it should last long enough until I find another I wanna dive into.
5. Upon seeing my scratched up hand, my dad told me that when he was in his twenties too, he used to scratch his hands compulsively when he got stressed out. It's interesting how much of our strange habits are actually genetically based.
6. But shit man, my hand, or more specifically my wrist, is taking a real beating right now. And my whole arms are also getting scratched up and there are a bunch of little red dots all over. I really hope the rash like thing is also due to all this scratching and not something completely unrelated. No time to go to the clinic though :S
7. Using your winter coat as a blanket inside your own apartment is totally not something that just I do when it starts getting cold here. Between the fact that it costs a lot and it doesn't work well, you spend most of the colder months without the heat turned on. So you cocoon yourself in whatever you have to go to bed and its so nice and warm and wonderful that getting up in the morning is fucking hard. The only thing that gets me out (besides the need to get somewhere) is my wonderful heated toilet. But even that isnt feeling that warm these days :S
2. No, but seriously, I gotta get my shit together. One month to do so fucking much. Aaaah.
3. This really isn't a conversation. And as much as I like her and all, I don't think she realizes how I'm really not the best person to have these conversations with.
4. I've started watching a new show that really isn't all that great but I guess it'll do for now. At the speed I go through shows these days it should last long enough until I find another I wanna dive into.
5. Upon seeing my scratched up hand, my dad told me that when he was in his twenties too, he used to scratch his hands compulsively when he got stressed out. It's interesting how much of our strange habits are actually genetically based.
6. But shit man, my hand, or more specifically my wrist, is taking a real beating right now. And my whole arms are also getting scratched up and there are a bunch of little red dots all over. I really hope the rash like thing is also due to all this scratching and not something completely unrelated. No time to go to the clinic though :S
7. Using your winter coat as a blanket inside your own apartment is totally not something that just I do when it starts getting cold here. Between the fact that it costs a lot and it doesn't work well, you spend most of the colder months without the heat turned on. So you cocoon yourself in whatever you have to go to bed and its so nice and warm and wonderful that getting up in the morning is fucking hard. The only thing that gets me out (besides the need to get somewhere) is my wonderful heated toilet. But even that isnt feeling that warm these days :S
Friday, November 1, 2013
13.10.31 Part 2
1. I can't wait till Bunkasai is over with. I mean, it hasnt been all bad, and I've become better friends with the 3rd year students, which is great, but I am so looking forward to those three days off after the festival is all set and done.
2. 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 2-3 weeks. Makes you look at the word 過労死 and just think 'one day it will come for me.'
3. But as much as it's been physically and mentally tiring getting ready for this festival, spending so much time at school interacting with people keeps me away from sitting alone and moping in my apartment. So forced overtime can have its advantages.
4. Sewing with leather means using rubber cement from time to time to literally GLUE ANIMALS TOGETHER. I might not be an animal enthusiast, and yes, I like real fur, but somehow I just feel weirded out by that fact. Needless to say, I've been gluing pigs all month. There might be a special place in hell for people like me.
2. 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 2-3 weeks. Makes you look at the word 過労死 and just think 'one day it will come for me.'
3. But as much as it's been physically and mentally tiring getting ready for this festival, spending so much time at school interacting with people keeps me away from sitting alone and moping in my apartment. So forced overtime can have its advantages.
4. Sewing with leather means using rubber cement from time to time to literally GLUE ANIMALS TOGETHER. I might not be an animal enthusiast, and yes, I like real fur, but somehow I just feel weirded out by that fact. Needless to say, I've been gluing pigs all month. There might be a special place in hell for people like me.
13.10.31
It's extremely frustrating to have a love for something which you have no talent. For me, I absolutely love languages but I can't speak them well at all and having fully immersed myself in an environment where I have to use my weakest language on a daily basis is very difficult. I don't have regrets and I love living here, but I am constantly reminded how much better others are and how far I still am from speaking Japanese well.
A few weeks ago Akane posted an entry about language fluency, and as much as I hate people who brag about how great their skills are, I must say, that the term 'fluency' itself is very vague. This is not actually a subjective comment on my part, but actually something that we came across in a linguistics class in university.
The concept of fluency is extremely fluid and I personally think it should be seen as something altogether different from perfect or native level language ability.
I consider myself fluent in three languages on account of having lived in environments throughout my life where I had to live using languages outside my native tongue on a regular basis. But never will I say that I speak any of those three languages perfectly. Even my English (especially since moving to Japan) is nowhere near perfect.
I went to university in English. I worked in French. I go to technical school in Japanese. I manage. Even if I may sound like a grammatically and vocabulary challenged child.
Anyways, even though it's probably even less credible than wiki, I thought this page was interesting and worth a glance.
A few weeks ago Akane posted an entry about language fluency, and as much as I hate people who brag about how great their skills are, I must say, that the term 'fluency' itself is very vague. This is not actually a subjective comment on my part, but actually something that we came across in a linguistics class in university.
The concept of fluency is extremely fluid and I personally think it should be seen as something altogether different from perfect or native level language ability.
I consider myself fluent in three languages on account of having lived in environments throughout my life where I had to live using languages outside my native tongue on a regular basis. But never will I say that I speak any of those three languages perfectly. Even my English (especially since moving to Japan) is nowhere near perfect.
I went to university in English. I worked in French. I go to technical school in Japanese. I manage. Even if I may sound like a grammatically and vocabulary challenged child.
Anyways, even though it's probably even less credible than wiki, I thought this page was interesting and worth a glance.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
13.10.27
1. The worst thing about having a bad dream is that it ends up staying with you all day. It's always in the back of your mind and you can't get away.
2. I probably spent about 60 hours at school this week, plus 8 hours or so on Saturday. All more or less mandatory. Followed by at most 5-6 hours of sleep a night. All good practice for real Japanese company life, I've been told. I'm terrified, but I'm learning to deal with it. One more week of this and we should be back to normal though.
3. On my days off I'm just always so fucking lazy and unproductive that I feel like I just end up wasting my free time. But somehow random mental health days always work wonders. But I can't afford to skip school these days so I guess I'll have to take what I can get.
4. It might be time for my yearly hair cut.
5. I may overthink and overanalyze everything, but that might not always be a bad thing.
6. I want to read more in Japanese and in French but there isn't really anything specific that I want to read right now which makes this somewhat difficult. For me, if I'm not really excited by a book, I won't get through the first few pages, so even though I really want to read more, I don't know where to start, I worry about buying books for nothing, and then I just don't end up reading at all.
2. I probably spent about 60 hours at school this week, plus 8 hours or so on Saturday. All more or less mandatory. Followed by at most 5-6 hours of sleep a night. All good practice for real Japanese company life, I've been told. I'm terrified, but I'm learning to deal with it. One more week of this and we should be back to normal though.
3. On my days off I'm just always so fucking lazy and unproductive that I feel like I just end up wasting my free time. But somehow random mental health days always work wonders. But I can't afford to skip school these days so I guess I'll have to take what I can get.
4. It might be time for my yearly hair cut.
5. I may overthink and overanalyze everything, but that might not always be a bad thing.
6. I want to read more in Japanese and in French but there isn't really anything specific that I want to read right now which makes this somewhat difficult. For me, if I'm not really excited by a book, I won't get through the first few pages, so even though I really want to read more, I don't know where to start, I worry about buying books for nothing, and then I just don't end up reading at all.
Monday, September 30, 2013
13.09.30
1. In the same way I would assume you would want your parents to like the guy you're with, you want your friends to be equally enthusiastic about whatever tiny encounters or excitements you might have. Somehow you inevitably crave the approval of the group. But a tiny put-down seems to bother you forever, even if it really shouldn't. It's been one of those kinds of days.
2. I hope tomorrow will be awesome. I hope Friday went as well as I hope it did. I hope it's mutual.
3. I don't like always being by myself, but there are some advantages to going places alone. You meet people you may have never met otherwise.
4. I found the perfect Christmas gift for a couple of friends, but it isn't even October yet so I gotta just hold on and not do anything for a few weeks. I hope that if I do go through with it, it'll get me all the intended laughs, and with some luck, some actual usage.
5. I have three hair brushes and 4 sets of tweezers and there are times when I find neither of either of them.
6. Reading a manga about the end of the world centering around Tokyo is cool and all when you live in North America, but is terrifying when you actually live in Tokyo.
2. I hope tomorrow will be awesome. I hope Friday went as well as I hope it did. I hope it's mutual.
3. I don't like always being by myself, but there are some advantages to going places alone. You meet people you may have never met otherwise.
4. I found the perfect Christmas gift for a couple of friends, but it isn't even October yet so I gotta just hold on and not do anything for a few weeks. I hope that if I do go through with it, it'll get me all the intended laughs, and with some luck, some actual usage.
5. I have three hair brushes and 4 sets of tweezers and there are times when I find neither of either of them.
6. Reading a manga about the end of the world centering around Tokyo is cool and all when you live in North America, but is terrifying when you actually live in Tokyo.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
13.09.26
1. I've had a rough month. I took a huge fall on the street and scraped up my knees real bad. I climbed a mountain and fucked up my leg for two weeks. I caught a cold. I need to fucking get healthy and non-accidenty and shit.
2. Living by yourself and feeling physically shitty is really awful. Add being single into the mix, and all you crave is for a nice pretty boy to take care of you, bring you soup and hot chocolate and blankets and shit.
3. And so I can't stop thinking of you, even though you're probably completely full of shit and don't care about me. But I'm stubborn and don't want to let you go yet.
4. People I care about have to stop fucking quitting school. Another friend from class told me yesterday that he'll probably drop out after this year. If he leaves I'll be so sad. Just coming to school since A. left has been so fucking hard. I miss him so fucking much. He wasn't just the guy I liked in class.
Our class is so tiny and will probably only get smaller next year. And so everyone's presence in class is felt strongly. And when he left you could just tell that everything was off. The whole dynamic was off. And even the teacher was different. She cut off her long hair and didn't smile for a few weeks. She was tougher than usual and somewhat unapproachable. Everything was just so weird and awkward. And sad.
Another girl dropped out at the same time as him, but I guess no one really noticed, because she was always a bit of a faint existence in our class. But everyone liked A.
5. I've been trying to see him, but maybe I came off too strongly. Or too crazy. Or too desperate. Who knows. The thing is that I always go after guys who seem a little bit off, which isn't a bad thing, but it just makes meeting them that much more difficult. But the thing is that I am worried about this kid, and so I want to see him to see how he's doing. Or maybe that's really just an excuse.
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