14.06.15

Everything reminds me of you.



There are remnants of you everywhere. The coat I saw you sewing dresses a mannequin. The finished products of those drafts you spoke to me about so lifelessly at that KFC that night we randomly grabbed supper together hang in the back room. The desk I sat at while you and her went to see that show, stuffing popcorn into cups. There was a big quake that day.

The desks outside where you and I sat not a month ago when so many things were still in the air. The desk at which you sat when you made that joke about the flowers. I see the others we went out with that night and I think of you.

The garbage can where you gave me such a cold look.

The desk you drew patterns that day I brought you chocolate.

The halls where you snubbed me time and time again.

The walk from the entrance to the convenient store that time we shared my umbrella. It's rainy season now too.

That time last year when we got to hear the 3rd years' presentations and I happened to walk in on yours. Today was my turn, you know. But of course, you weren't there.



It isn't love. But I fight the urge to send you messages every day. Maybe I'm just bored.


But...do you ever think of me?

14.06.14

"I have to buy a gift for my friend...for his birthday..."

"Oh yeah? Well my birthday's coming up! You gonna buy me something?"

"No."

"...I see how it is..."

"I only buy presents for people I've known a long time. I've known him for over ten years. It hasn't even been a year since we've known each other. For all I know, I might forget who you are by the time next year rolls around."

"...?"

"A friend of mine from first year moved back to Korea and we didn't talk for a long time. He called me up the other day and I honestly couldn't even remember his name. People fade away over time."

14.05.14

"Everything was fine when we were all together. But when just the two of us went to the bank afterwards, it was so quiet and awkward and I just really don't know..."

"Do you think maybe he was just nervous?"

"...?"

"Nervous to be around you?"


Could this have all just been one big misunderstanding? I really don't have the energy to try this whole thing out again right now, but could it really just all be that simple?

14.04.26

All I want.

Is to sit next to you.

While I drink and you smoke.

In silence.

14.04.07

You grabbed my shoulder. You grabbed my knee. You hugged me tight.

I stayed as long as I could. 

You grabbed my arm. You joked with me. 

I cut things short and left.

My heart is full of little things.

14.04.01

1. You look stupid and ugly and I don't know why I still care.

2. You are so full of shit. Whenever you have a problem you call me and freak out and I listen and try to calm you down but when I linger over a problem that you consider insignificant you don't even dignify me with a response.

3. I know I have anxiety issues and I know that I tire everyone out with my constant worrying but just please bear with me, it's so much harder to deal with without you.

4. I don't think you understand how most people live their lives and it's just so frustrating.

5. People say shit like 'if you want something go out and get it' but do they realize that that only works in perfect situations? That doesn't work if you are constantly rejected by those you try to love. So please just keep to yourselves.

6. I found a fantastic breakfast restaurant today and i want the world to know.

14.03.21

"He needs someone who will love so much," she said.

Oh really, I thought. But I think I can give him that. I could love him if he let me.

If he just let me in.

But he walked away, again.