February Blues? But It's Spring Here...

On days like today I think that maybe it is depression.

Days like yesterday, too.

I had often experienced these kinds of crap days back home, but somehow, I had never experienced it in Japan, and had somehow hoped that it was my life back home that was creating the problem. But at that time, I had never spent a significant amount of time in Japan... and somehow I kept my attitude up while on vacation.

Or maybe it is my life back home that's keeping me back from things. For one, the bitterness I held back home is still very prominent right here and now.

I hate that I only have one Canadian friend here, and I don't really get to hang out with him. People underestimate the gap between American and Canadian culture, and I guess I had too before coming here. My friends ask me things sometimes, and I am just so taken-aback by what they're asking, or what little they know about my country. I mean, it's not entirely their fault, they're not bad people or anything, it's just... it's weird and sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable. For example, I was talking about how Stephen Harper had creepy soul-eating eyes, and had mentioned that he was our Prime Minister... and one of my closest friends goes "I didn't even know what kind of government you had in Canada." Then I mentioned something about having a Queen, and my other good friend says "You have a QUEEN?" I was in shock. Did she think that we had a Queen of Canada... or did she not realize that the Queen of England is still a somewhat 'important' figure in Canada?

Or tonight, my friend was talking about the two cars she's owned so far. She's 19. At 23, I've never owned a car in my life. Because of the way I was raised, I did not even get my license till 21, and because of some stupid accident that I almost got into, I don't even have the self-confidence to get behind the wheel of an automobile right now.

My parents would never buy me a car. I'm fortunate enough that I've received financial help getting to this school in the first place. There isn't that mentality back home, that kids need cars at 16, or need to live in dorms in colleges halfway across the country, or that you need to pay a fortune for education. And sometimes I sort of wish there was. I wish I had the confidence that they do. I wish that I was awarded the freedom that they were.

But I'm not saying I want to be them. I'm happy I'm different. Strangely enough, I have never felt more national or provincial pride than I have since starting school here. What's that tagline from Lost in Translation, again? "Sometimes you have to go halfway across the world to come full circle"... or something like that... I don't know if I've come full-circle, but I've definitely learned a lot about my part of the world from being so far away from it. It's not a negative thing, it's just sometimes a lot to handle at once.

I really don't want to make my friends seem negative though, or that I have anything against Americans, because I don't, and my friends are great. But I am happy to be Canadian instead, even if it does create a barrier. In someways, it's allowing myself to strengthen who I am, for better or for worse.

I just wish that this feeling of blah would disappear. And I wish the self-pity would go away with it too. Because I feel like there's a lot of that too, but for other reasons as well.

For one, my Japanese speaking abilities are so bad, it's embarrassing. Friends tell me I'm fine, but I know it's not enough. And this isn't me being humble or anything, but it's true. Outside of the classroom, my Japanese speaking and listening abilities are shit, and it's so frustrating at times. I feel like I've spent so much time, energy, and money working to be able to know what I do know, and yet, in real life none of this effort is visible.

Yesterday, I had to go to Softbank to ask about things, and I specifically went to the one in Harajuku, because they have English-speaking people who work there. However, when I went, somehow that option didn't seem very possible, and there was just a huge barrier between me and my customer service representative. Thankfully, I was with my friend who's in a higher Japanese level than me, so he acted as a sort of translator, but I just felt so embarrassed afterwards. This kid has studied Japanese for less time than me, it's his first time in Japan, he's placed in the "highest" level at my school, and he's three years younger than me. I love him to bits, but I can't help feeling so useless compared to him. And compared to the other people in my class. There are people in my class who are able to speak well enough to hold part-time jobs, who plan on going to university in Japanese next semester... And here I am, asking my younger friend to translate my simple questions about my phone contract.

So that is my weekly frustration in a nutshell. I love all of my friends, but I just don't feel like I'll ever be able to be like them for a number of reasons, and my inability to deal with our cultural gap (or economic gap, or Japanese-ability gap) makes me feel very worthless. It also makes me feel very alone, because I don't think that this is something I can talk to them about without making it sound like I'm some horrible person. At the same time, I don't know if this is something I want to talk about aloud either...

There are other things that are making me feel like shit too, things that you've probably read about before if you read my blog regularly, but it's almost 2 am, and I have a lot of things I want to do tomorrow morning, so I'll save them for another day. Night Night!