Maybe I'm better off alone.
Hear me out before you judge this.
I met a guy I really liked and found out through mega creepage that he liked me back. I didn't see him for a week, and when we did see each other it was sorta awkward. And I felt like shit afterwards. And I've pondered and pondered and pondered about how I felt towards him since. And I'm still pondering. And now I really just don't know.
I felt very alone today. But in a good way. In a it's-alright-to-be-alone way.
When talking with a new friend today I feel like I was better able to sum up these feelings.
I'm extremely lost in life right now. I don't know what I want in any part of my life. I don't know what to do with my future. I don't know what to do with my present. I don't know how to deal with my past. And I don't know if I want to drag someone along for the ride.
This isn't one of those self-torturing-let-me-live-my-life-alone-and-cry-in-a-corner-forever things. It's a let-me-try-to-prioritize-my-life thing.
Having people in your life is both negative and positive. In some ways, it makes you feel more complete, it allows you to have meaningful conversations, be comforted when problems arise. But in other ways it can be negative: people pushing you in the wrong direction, getting advice at the wrong time, feeling the need to censor yourself, becoming dependent.
I'm not going to rule out relationships, or said guy in question. But I also need to think about myself right now and I don't know if I can afford high-commitment distractions.
So, as one of the co-ordinators at my school told me, as I gave her my current life story in a nutshell yesterday: "Well, you've always got Kimutaku, right?" Right. Kimutaku has helped me thus far along my journey in the East. And as I continue to ride on the wings of my imaginary celebrity marriage, I am strangely satisfied.
Being alone is just fine. Don't force yourself.
ReplyDeleteBut if things fall nicely and you get to be closer to said boy, I suggest to just go for it. As optimistic as I sound, sometimes things go the way we wish. And people can handle obstacles too if they appear.and I want to see Happy Pinky :)
Then again, alone is pretty cool. Nothing's perfect, and being with someone definitely bounds you to considering a sentient being in your life you can't just ignore when you don't feel like it. The reality check is brutal.
tl;dr: do what your heart tells you to do. I'm serious.