13.07.17

1. I got my first real taste of Japanese overtime work yesterday and it was awful and today I still feel emotionally and physically drained. I need to find a way of becoming stronger in every sense of the word if I expect to survive in the long run.

2. Last week, half-jokingly, I said I would volunteer to do my presentation early if I got to do it in English. Everyone said that I should do it, and after talking to the teacher, he said it was fine, even if him and I are the only ones who understand. But part of me feels sort of self-conscious and regretful of having made this suggestion. Not only will no one understand, but part of me feels like I'm building up walls between me and my classmates once again. It's hard to explain, but I'm strangely worried about the whole ideal.

3. There's no use in hiding it. I'm just gonna go out and say it. I want a boyfriend and that's that. Having friends is great and all, and I'm grateful for all the friendships I have, but I really need someone to be there for me right now, if for no other reason, then to distract me from myself. Friends have their own lives, their own problems, and can't be with me all the time. 

In other words, I want a boyfriend because of selfish, personal reasons and I accept this. That, and to kill bugs for me. 

4. For whatever reason, I wanted to see you, and your not having money and your lack of responding to my messages is upsetting. But I'm so tired right now that I don't have the energy to go after you. And part of me wonders whether, if I continue to pursue you, it'll be because I genuinely like you, or just because I really don't want to lose. I'm extremely hard-headed and persistent when it comes to shit like this.