Still Standing, but...

I still don't really know what to make about everything.

Some days I feel good. Other days I don't. Sometimes physically, others emotionally.

I've realized I've become very needy emotionally. More than ever before, I really just need people to be there for me. I need people's support. I need people's concern. But I don't need other people's worries.

I feel somewhat selfish, but right now I feel I need to put myself first if I want to overcome my problems.

If I seem distant, or snappy, or somewhat irresponsive to things that are happening back home, please forgive me. A lot is going on right now, and I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with other people's problems at the moment. For 20 days now, I feel like I've been using 110% of abilities to keep myself and others motivated, and somewhat content. I've had to deal with the sudden loss of many friends and acquaintances, almost overnight. I've had to deal with literally hundreds of earthquakes. I've had to deal with upsetting news reports. I've had to deal with ignorance from abroad. I've had to deal with my own personal problems as well.

When visiting the Tokyo Tower the other day, I realized that it and I are sort of alike right now. The earthquake on March 11th left the tip of the tower bent. It's not very much damage, and if you compare it to everything that happened in Sendai and Fukushima, and the entirety of that region, it suffered next to nothing. But it's been marked. It's an important Tokyo symbol, and it's been marked for everyone to see. It's still standing strong and tall, but part of it is not okay anymore. And because it isn't anything major, fixing it is in no way a priority right now. But it can't be fixed on it's own.

I live in Tokyo. I didn't suffer any physical damage. I only lost 70¥ salt. I didn't lose my house. I didn't lose my family. I'm in literally no position to complain. But a lot of things have changed. And I'm not 100% anymore. And I don't know how to fix it on my own. But I feel ashamed asking for help, because I am totally not a priority right now. I just need to somehow grin and bear everything until bigger things are settled.

That being said, if it weren't for the following people, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so thankful that my parents have been so calm about everything going on in Japan. All my friends' parents have forced them home, or at least tried to pressure them into leaving. But my parents have been really encouraging and rational, and I'm just extremely grateful. I don't know what I would have done had I had to battle with them as well.

Another person I'm extremely indebted to is Akane. My God, if it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be right now. Like my parents, she has been one of the only completely rational people I've spoken to since March 11th. She never asks me if I want to go home. She never asks me ignorant questions. She encourages me to stay strong. She helps calm me down when I'm not doing well. She checks up on me regularly. She sends me informative news reports. She fangirls with me over SMAP and Kimutaku. She's just an all-round wonderful person, whom I love dearly and I'm just so thankful I have her in my life ♥

I'm also extremely grateful to have a ton of SMAP music at my disposal. It sounds silly, but I've sort of become emotionally dependent on their music over the last while. It's literally all I listen to. It's fun, it's up-beat, and it's sung by beautiful men (two of whom I will be marrying in the near future :P). Another thing that's great about them, is that they're distracting. They distract me from everything. They make me smile. They comfort me. They make me happy.

Talking about SMAP, they had a live episode of SMAP x SMAP on March 21st about what we, as the people of Japan, can do to help following March 11th's earthquake. It was such an emotional show, my eyes were all teary the entire time. Some people are so strong and selfless. I yearn to be more like them.

That being said, here's the opening from that episode. I've watched it so many times, and still get teary-eyed listening to them sometimes. 「信じるものを一つにしましょう。自分たちを信じましょう。日本を信じましょう。そしてその信じる思いをみんなで繋げましょう。」