L'éclipse

I've fallen in love once again. With a song.

No reason to explain how or why. Just listen to it and be happy.

(Though, not gonna lie, my new love for this song is totally thanks to Akane, who reminded me of Mathieu Chedid's existence in one of her own blog posts last week or so. Sankyuuuu~! ♡)

In other news, today I was asked to be one of the MC's at our graduation ceremony on Friday. As much as I have pretty much no time to prepare for it, I've gotten sort of used to talking at these events, that I wasn't going to say no. Plus, I'm pretty much continuing my role from this summer's Speech Contest, so I guess everyone will be happy to see me on stage again.

This will be my third graduation ceremony at which I speak. I was the valedictorian in high school, the salutatorian in CEGEP, and now some sort of comic relief this time around. As much as I'm worried I might just cry in front of everyone (which would be horrible), it's always kind of nice to be asked to do such things. And they wrote the script for me, so there's almost no effort to be put in. Yay.

Another Day to Myself

I took another day for me today.

I was supposed to go to some fashion event. And truth be told, I thought it was going to be a really interesting event too. But for the last couple of days I had been sort of out of it, so I thought it best to just take some time for myself again. Spent hours in a coffee shop near my place, then jetted off to my friend's end of town for some more coffee and katsudon. And I was content.

It still hasn't quite sunk in that Friday is my graduation from my language school. And that a month from now I'm going to be starting another chapter of my academic life. And that that new chapter will be all kinds of terrifying... But at this exact moment I'm really too zen to stress out about that.

In other news, I've really gotten into Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. It took me forever to get through the first book (it's separated into two volumes in the Japanese version), but near the end of the first volume I started to really like it, and I've been speeding through the second one. If you know anything about me and books, you'd know that I don't read. Ever. So this is some sort of huge deal lol. But that being said, as I reach the end of the book I can't help but feel sort of sad, and sort of reluctant to try and read more of it right now. I could probably finish it tonight if I wanted to, but do I want to deal with the sadness that comes with finishing a book (especially because I know that the end of this one isn't particularly happy)? Granted, I guess it's better to finish it at home than speed-reading it in the train... hmm... (though talking about reading in a train, this book is filled with way more sex than I had originally anticipated, which makes reading it on the train a little awkward haha). Well it's either reading or FB for the next couple of hours, so I guess I'll try and get a few more pages in before calling it a night. おやすみ〜！☆

Mental Health Day

I had never called in sick before. Especially without being "sick."

But what can one consider "sick"? Throwing up? Fever? Rashes?

What about stress? Is stress a valid reason to call in sick?

Yesterday, I tried to quit my job. After being prepped by a whole support team, I marched over to my work, and tried to tell my boss that, due to health reasons, I could no longer work for her. Because for the last week or so, I have been battling all kinds of unhealthiness: Vomiting, lack of appetite, stomach aches, a fainting episode in the train, and numerous breakdowns waiting to happen. And with the exception of the vomiting that may have been due to bad food, pretty much all of the rest is directly stress-related. And nothing stresses me out as much as my work. But of course, I went in every day I was asked to last week without question. But over the weekend, something in my head snapped: I need to leave this place. It is not good for my physical, mental, or emotional health.

So bearing all this in mind, I did the impossible for someone like me: I confronted my boss. Only for her to ignore every single thing I said, play down my ailments, and act as if she couldn't understand what I was telling her. She encouraged me, however, to inform her of me being physically unwell so I wouldn't have to come in on those days.

After regrouping with my support team today, we decided the best thing for me to do was to call in sick today. Because truth be told, I felt like I wanted to vomit. I felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry forever. I felt like I might just fall apart if I went in today. I felt sick, because I am not well.

And now that I've stayed home one day, I'm not too sure what to do. Do I try to tell her again that I want to leave ASAP? Or do I try to stick it out till the end of March, and just tell her that I'll quit before the new school year starts in April?

I know that deep down I want out right now. But due to financial reasons, I should probably stay a little longer. Maybe when I go in tomorrow, I'll feel better about everything, because I've had a day to just recoup. But I wonder if that's not actually the worst case scenario after all...

Sundays...

What is it about Sundays that just make them so yucky?

You could be having a great week. And then, PAF, Sunday comes along and you feel like you just can't get anything done. And you feel like the city isn't moving at the right speed. And you feel like just coming home and doing nothing. And then you come home and feel guilty for doing nothing all day.

Yeah, that was the kind of Sunday that today was. Except this week wasn't great. It wasn't horrible either. But it was a hard week.

I failed JLPT Level 1 and am still not sure how to deal with it. I can't say that I needed the certification for anything. But I wanted it, and the fact that I failed it by two lousy points is just awful. If they held these exams more often and they didn't cost so much money to take, I probably wouldn't feel as shitty about the results. But between the ever-rising yen, and the fact that I feel absolutely financially screwed for the next few years of my life, I don't know if I should even consider retaking the exam in July.

Money has become a problem lately. Not because I have none of it, but because if I don't start saving now, I will be absolutely screwed once I enter school in April. So I feel guilty spending any money at all. And I feel trapped.

Work is also making me feel trapped and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm taking on more than I can emotionally take on because I need the money. And once April comes around, I will barely be working, which means money's going to get extremely tight.

I need to seriously look into some scholarships. And need to seriously start budgeting my money. And I need to seriously just learn to calm the fuck down a little.

I am not American: Part 132

What I find the most upsetting about living in Japan is how often I get mistaken for an American at school. I understand that there are only three Canadian students in my entire school, and besides the one Russian guy, all the other white kids are American. I understand that I am a minority. But still.

Somehow teachers never seem to forget about the Malaysians, Vietnamese, and Thai students at my school, and there are so few of them as well. Despite the fact that the Malaysian students usually just speak Chinese with the Chinese kids would make you think that the teachers would mix them up too.

But they don't. Somehow the Canadians are the only ones who get forgotten. Is it because I'm white and speak English. Is that it?

Grouping me together with the Americans is like me grouping Japanese and Korean people together. It's exactly the same thing. They kind of look alike, and their culture is sort of similar, right?

Except that Japan and Korea are a world apart. Japanese people and Korean people look so different from each other. Their languages sounds completely different. Their customs are different. Their people are different.

So why is it so hard for my teachers to understand how ignorant it is for them to ask me about America? I've never lived their in my fucking life. I can't tell you how X, Y or Z is in the US. I can barely tell you how it's like in Canada.

Canadians and Americans might look alike on the surface. We might speak the same language. But we're not the same. We have different customs, different cultures, different histories.

So next time you ask me what life is like in America, be ready for me to ask you what it's like in Korea, because you clearly won't understand how I feel otherwise.

Caged

They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm really not sure about that. The more time passes, the more you analyze and reanalyze a situation, until you've analyzed it to death and you realize how much you were hurt. And it hurts more. And you grow more angry and bitter, and you begin to hate.

I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. And it's killing me. And I don't mean think of in a longing-way. No, I pinpoint him as the route of all my emotional problems these days. It probably isn't fair of me to do that, but it can't be helped.

The thing is that I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that I can't have things that normal people have. And that constantly reminds me of him. Because he was the one who made me realize that my shortcomings make me undesirable as a person. Worthless, even.

So whenever I feel worthless, I think of him. Whenever I feel like I will never amount to anything, I think of him.

Because they are linked in my mind.

I want him to go away. I want my problems to go away. I want to go to bed and wake up and be fresh and new and free.

南極大陸

I swear, I can't watch an episode of 南極大陸 (Nankyoku Tairiku, Antarctica) without crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much during a drama series... and we're still only at episode four...

That being said, I guess it's a good thing that I keep missing it on TV and watching it online instead. It'd be really fucking awkward for me to be bawling in the kitchen around quasi-strangers lol.

I can't get over how much I'm enjoying it either. For a series that, on the surface, looked like it was was going to be pretty boring (a bunch of men in snow suits hanging out with a bunch of dogs in Antarctica), it's actually really fucking interesting. And, you know, the fact that my dearest hubby, Kimura Takuya, plays the main role is a major plus.

Talking about Hubby, he's starting to look a little old in this drama. I guess the snow suit and toque have something to do with it. But when his face is printed on the cover of the many magazines in the conbinis, he still looks gorgeous, so it's all good.