New School, New Life...?

And so I've started a new school. For those of you who didn't know, as of a few weeks ago, I began a whole new journey at Bunka Fashion College. Which I guess is pretty cool.

If you had asked me about a year and a half ago where I thought I'd be at this point in life, this would honestly have been the last thing I would have come up with.

It's not that I didn't want to ever pursue a life in fashion, but I guess I just didn't expect to go back to school. Unless of course it was to go to grad school, and even there, I don't think I seriously would have expected I'd want to apply to that either. But here we are. At Bunka.

So far, it's been pretty fun, I guess. It isn't unicorns and rainbows, and it's only been a couple of weeks so I can't say we've gotten too far, but when we're actually working on making things, I'm not gonna lie, it's wonderful. It makes me super happy, even if I have to redo stitching, erase patterns, and start all over again. I really enjoy making shit, which is great.

However, it isn't easy. And I'm not talking about the actual content per se. But it's 100% in Japanese. Which isn't anything surprising. I mean, I knew that full on when I applied. But still. That aspect is hard. 

Because I don't understand everything that goes on. There are times when I understand so little of what the teacher is talking about. Or other times, when I understand everything, until the teacher explains what is and isn't to be handed in. And then it's like someone flipped a switch in my head, and the part that understands Japanese turns off completely. And I'm confused as all hell.

At the same time, I'm not the first foreign student to go to Bunka. And with my very white features, I absolutely stand out in the crowd, so I hope to God that my teachers are at least a little lenient about things (and the quality of my written works) because if not there's no way I'm going to pass this year. And that stresses me out to no end.

I know it's just the beginning, and in theory, even though the content will become more difficult, the ability to follow and understand should become easier. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to hand in anything. I'm scared of what they'll think when they see the way I write. And I sorta freak out every time I'm made to speak in class.

But I guess at the same time, it's part of growing up, right? Because if you look at any of my ID cards you'll know that I'm old enough to be a "grown up", whatever that means. So I shouldn't worry about the small stuff. I should be happy that I've come this far, and not give a shit about people will think.

But I can't help it.

In other news, I really can't wait to buy me some sewing machines! (Yes, some, cause apparently I need two? Hello poor student life!) I can't wait to make things! And maybe try and sell things too! I wanna go on a shopping spree at the school shop! It's like a craftsman's dream come true!! Everything you'd ever need or want in the same spot! Happiness and joy~!

By the way, this is how I feel about being 24, for the record lol

Graduation and 311

And so I graduated from KCP. As expected, I cried like a motherfucker. But I'm not going to lie, I was pretty much doomed from the start.

An old classmate and I were chosen to emcee a part of the ceremony, and so we had to show up earlier that day to practice our spiel. Because we were part of the show, that morning the teachers decided to show us the video that they had prepared for the ceremony, because we wouldn't be able to see it well from behind the curtains. Although they meant well, the video itself made me just sort of break down, and the entire practice session that followed was just a big teary mess. Luckily my partner was a really great guy, and pretty much took care of me the entire day.

Although I was able to put myself back together in time for the graduation itself, the second we all sat down in the big auditorium, and the official school people started giving their speeches, somehow I lost my control and just started crying again, on and off the entire ceremony.

Now, on the outside, I'm sure I just looked like some weird oversensitive girl, crying for some bizarre reasons at something that wasn't really all that sad to begin with. But there was a lot more behind it.

I started school at KCP in January 2011, and roughly two months after I started my first semester, the earthquake happened, and everything I thought about life changed completely. I was at school that day. And if it wasn't for the teachers and staff, I don't know how I would have survived emotionally on the day of the earthquake, or the many days to follow. The teachers stayed with us during the many aftershocks, and some of them that were stranded stayed with the students overnight. The man who eventually became my main teacher for six months guided my entire dorm home by foot that night, a journey that took almost three hours in the cold. Without him, I would have had to stay overnight as well, and although I didn't know what was going to be waiting for me back home, the fact that I could even go home made everything just a little less terrifying.

Following March 11th, classes were made optional and everybody left. Everybody. I continued to go to class because that was all I could do to keep my life somewhat normal, in a world that had literally lost all sense of stability. I had almost no friends left, almost no housemates, absolutely no family, and was emotionally cut off from the world. And throughout the months that followed, going to school was one of the only things that kept me sane.

So graduating from KCP wasn't just graduating from a language school. For me, it was leaving behind all the people who helped me through the most difficult period of my life.

So even though I'm absolutely the type to get emotional at any sort of parting of ways, somehow I had never had such an emotionally charged ending before. And so there was no way I wasn't going to cry.

みんな、お疲れさまでした〜！卒業おめでとうございます！また会いましょう♡

もう独りで歩けない

L'éclipse

I've fallen in love once again. With a song.

No reason to explain how or why. Just listen to it and be happy.

(Though, not gonna lie, my new love for this song is totally thanks to Akane, who reminded me of Mathieu Chedid's existence in one of her own blog posts last week or so. Sankyuuuu~! ♡)

In other news, today I was asked to be one of the MC's at our graduation ceremony on Friday. As much as I have pretty much no time to prepare for it, I've gotten sort of used to talking at these events, that I wasn't going to say no. Plus, I'm pretty much continuing my role from this summer's Speech Contest, so I guess everyone will be happy to see me on stage again.

This will be my third graduation ceremony at which I speak. I was the valedictorian in high school, the salutatorian in CEGEP, and now some sort of comic relief this time around. As much as I'm worried I might just cry in front of everyone (which would be horrible), it's always kind of nice to be asked to do such things. And they wrote the script for me, so there's almost no effort to be put in. Yay.

Another Day to Myself

I took another day for me today.

I was supposed to go to some fashion event. And truth be told, I thought it was going to be a really interesting event too. But for the last couple of days I had been sort of out of it, so I thought it best to just take some time for myself again. Spent hours in a coffee shop near my place, then jetted off to my friend's end of town for some more coffee and katsudon. And I was content.

It still hasn't quite sunk in that Friday is my graduation from my language school. And that a month from now I'm going to be starting another chapter of my academic life. And that that new chapter will be all kinds of terrifying... But at this exact moment I'm really too zen to stress out about that.

In other news, I've really gotten into Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. It took me forever to get through the first book (it's separated into two volumes in the Japanese version), but near the end of the first volume I started to really like it, and I've been speeding through the second one. If you know anything about me and books, you'd know that I don't read. Ever. So this is some sort of huge deal lol. But that being said, as I reach the end of the book I can't help but feel sort of sad, and sort of reluctant to try and read more of it right now. I could probably finish it tonight if I wanted to, but do I want to deal with the sadness that comes with finishing a book (especially because I know that the end of this one isn't particularly happy)? Granted, I guess it's better to finish it at home than speed-reading it in the train... hmm... (though talking about reading in a train, this book is filled with way more sex than I had originally anticipated, which makes reading it on the train a little awkward haha). Well it's either reading or FB for the next couple of hours, so I guess I'll try and get a few more pages in before calling it a night. おやすみ〜！☆

Mental Health Day

I had never called in sick before. Especially without being "sick."

But what can one consider "sick"? Throwing up? Fever? Rashes?

What about stress? Is stress a valid reason to call in sick?

Yesterday, I tried to quit my job. After being prepped by a whole support team, I marched over to my work, and tried to tell my boss that, due to health reasons, I could no longer work for her. Because for the last week or so, I have been battling all kinds of unhealthiness: Vomiting, lack of appetite, stomach aches, a fainting episode in the train, and numerous breakdowns waiting to happen. And with the exception of the vomiting that may have been due to bad food, pretty much all of the rest is directly stress-related. And nothing stresses me out as much as my work. But of course, I went in every day I was asked to last week without question. But over the weekend, something in my head snapped: I need to leave this place. It is not good for my physical, mental, or emotional health.

So bearing all this in mind, I did the impossible for someone like me: I confronted my boss. Only for her to ignore every single thing I said, play down my ailments, and act as if she couldn't understand what I was telling her. She encouraged me, however, to inform her of me being physically unwell so I wouldn't have to come in on those days.

After regrouping with my support team today, we decided the best thing for me to do was to call in sick today. Because truth be told, I felt like I wanted to vomit. I felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry forever. I felt like I might just fall apart if I went in today. I felt sick, because I am not well.

And now that I've stayed home one day, I'm not too sure what to do. Do I try to tell her again that I want to leave ASAP? Or do I try to stick it out till the end of March, and just tell her that I'll quit before the new school year starts in April?

I know that deep down I want out right now. But due to financial reasons, I should probably stay a little longer. Maybe when I go in tomorrow, I'll feel better about everything, because I've had a day to just recoup. But I wonder if that's not actually the worst case scenario after all...

Sundays...

What is it about Sundays that just make them so yucky?

You could be having a great week. And then, PAF, Sunday comes along and you feel like you just can't get anything done. And you feel like the city isn't moving at the right speed. And you feel like just coming home and doing nothing. And then you come home and feel guilty for doing nothing all day.

Yeah, that was the kind of Sunday that today was. Except this week wasn't great. It wasn't horrible either. But it was a hard week.

I failed JLPT Level 1 and am still not sure how to deal with it. I can't say that I needed the certification for anything. But I wanted it, and the fact that I failed it by two lousy points is just awful. If they held these exams more often and they didn't cost so much money to take, I probably wouldn't feel as shitty about the results. But between the ever-rising yen, and the fact that I feel absolutely financially screwed for the next few years of my life, I don't know if I should even consider retaking the exam in July.

Money has become a problem lately. Not because I have none of it, but because if I don't start saving now, I will be absolutely screwed once I enter school in April. So I feel guilty spending any money at all. And I feel trapped.

Work is also making me feel trapped and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm taking on more than I can emotionally take on because I need the money. And once April comes around, I will barely be working, which means money's going to get extremely tight.

I need to seriously look into some scholarships. And need to seriously start budgeting my money. And I need to seriously just learn to calm the fuck down a little.