Still Standing, but...

I still don't really know what to make about everything.

Some days I feel good. Other days I don't. Sometimes physically, others emotionally.

I've realized I've become very needy emotionally. More than ever before, I really just need people to be there for me. I need people's support. I need people's concern. But I don't need other people's worries.

I feel somewhat selfish, but right now I feel I need to put myself first if I want to overcome my problems.

If I seem distant, or snappy, or somewhat irresponsive to things that are happening back home, please forgive me. A lot is going on right now, and I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with other people's problems at the moment. For 20 days now, I feel like I've been using 110% of abilities to keep myself and others motivated, and somewhat content. I've had to deal with the sudden loss of many friends and acquaintances, almost overnight. I've had to deal with literally hundreds of earthquakes. I've had to deal with upsetting news reports. I've had to deal with ignorance from abroad. I've had to deal with my own personal problems as well.

When visiting the Tokyo Tower the other day, I realized that it and I are sort of alike right now. The earthquake on March 11th left the tip of the tower bent. It's not very much damage, and if you compare it to everything that happened in Sendai and Fukushima, and the entirety of that region, it suffered next to nothing. But it's been marked. It's an important Tokyo symbol, and it's been marked for everyone to see. It's still standing strong and tall, but part of it is not okay anymore. And because it isn't anything major, fixing it is in no way a priority right now. But it can't be fixed on it's own.

I live in Tokyo. I didn't suffer any physical damage. I only lost 70¥ salt. I didn't lose my house. I didn't lose my family. I'm in literally no position to complain. But a lot of things have changed. And I'm not 100% anymore. And I don't know how to fix it on my own. But I feel ashamed asking for help, because I am totally not a priority right now. I just need to somehow grin and bear everything until bigger things are settled.

That being said, if it weren't for the following people, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so thankful that my parents have been so calm about everything going on in Japan. All my friends' parents have forced them home, or at least tried to pressure them into leaving. But my parents have been really encouraging and rational, and I'm just extremely grateful. I don't know what I would have done had I had to battle with them as well.

Another person I'm extremely indebted to is Akane. My God, if it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be right now. Like my parents, she has been one of the only completely rational people I've spoken to since March 11th. She never asks me if I want to go home. She never asks me ignorant questions. She encourages me to stay strong. She helps calm me down when I'm not doing well. She checks up on me regularly. She sends me informative news reports. She fangirls with me over SMAP and Kimutaku. She's just an all-round wonderful person, whom I love dearly and I'm just so thankful I have her in my life ♥

I'm also extremely grateful to have a ton of SMAP music at my disposal. It sounds silly, but I've sort of become emotionally dependent on their music over the last while. It's literally all I listen to. It's fun, it's up-beat, and it's sung by beautiful men (two of whom I will be marrying in the near future :P). Another thing that's great about them, is that they're distracting. They distract me from everything. They make me smile. They comfort me. They make me happy.

Talking about SMAP, they had a live episode of SMAP x SMAP on March 21st about what we, as the people of Japan, can do to help following March 11th's earthquake. It was such an emotional show, my eyes were all teary the entire time. Some people are so strong and selfless. I yearn to be more like them.

That being said, here's the opening from that episode. I've watched it so many times, and still get teary-eyed listening to them sometimes. 「信じるものを一つにしましょう。自分たちを信じましょう。日本を信じましょう。そしてその信じる思いをみんなで繋げましょう。」

No More Words

I've been trying to write this entry for a while now, and I just don't know what to say.

In all truth, I think I'm all talked out. How many times do I say "earthquake" or "nuclear plant" in a day? How many times do I say "I have no intention of going home"?

Right now, the most heartbreaking thing in Tokyo for me, is how many of my friends are going home. Everyday another person leaves my dorm. I've had five people leave over the last few days. Two more are leaving tomorrow. Another leaves Sunday. Who knows who's after that.

I would say that more than half of the students have left my school. As of next week, classes will have become voluntary, and based on the show of hands in class today, I will most likely be the only one in class.

Life is scary right now, I'm not going to say otherwise. I have aftershocks and new earthquakes multiple times a day. I check news sites more often than I should. I check radiation levels. I have started making myself sick with worry as well... I worry when people start going home. I worry when people back home ask me how things are. I worry when people start panicking. That is what's making me ill. I'm stressed out, and simply need life to return to normal.

That being said, what I need most from my friends is for them to support my decision to stay here. I need people to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I need people abroad to comfort me because I'm running out of people to support me here.

As my father put it, "We sent you to Japan not only to learn the language, but to experience life in Japan," and there is so much that I have experienced in the last seven days. I've experienced difficulties, but I have also experienced so much kindness, and observed so much co-operation. Although there may always be a part of Japan that I may not understand, I feel like the hardship of last Friday has brought all residents in Japan (alien or native) closer together and I am proud to be living in such noble country.

2 Weeks in a Nutshell

Man, how long has it been since my last post? 2 weeks or so? I'm a bad blogger... >___>;

I actually had the opportunity to do some somewhat touristy things in the last two weeks. For one, I went to Enoshima and Kamakura with the US Program students from my school. Everything was super pretty, and we had fantastic weather :)

It was really nice to see the real Japan for once. A friend of mine had told me that I needed to get outside of Tokyo to experience Japan. At first I didn't really believe her, but coming back from this trip, I understand her 100%. It's not to say that there's anything wrong with Tokyo. I really love it. But it's just a big city and all big cities sort of resemble each other, no matter where you are in the world.

But outside the city lies another world entirely. The architecture is different. The people are different. This is when you realize you are no longer in your own country, and it's wonderful. Japan really is a beautiful country with greenery and temples and shrines and mountains, and all that kind of pretty scenery stuff. We even went as far as the sea (ocean? large water body that flows into the ocean?), which was really nice too.

I also got to visit Disney Sea last week. We went as a sort of school trip where each class voted on whether or not they would go to Disney Land or Disney Sea, and then once there, we were free to socialize with our friends from other classes. Most of my friends got Disney Land, which was where I wanted to go, but mine got Disney Sea... Oh well... it was nice anyway ^^ For those of you who don't know, Disney Sea is a popular couples' destination, so pretty much all you see are couples and high school kids. On the plus side, there are very few children at the park, which was sort of nice.

By the way, these sorts of super awesome hats are pretty much obligatory at Tokyo Disney. Despite there being almost no children at my park, almost everyone was wearing cool hats like these :P

Halfway through my Disney day, I ran into a friend and his friends, and ended up staying with them at the park until pretty late. We then went out drinking at some small Izakaya at Machiya train station. Because trains don't run very late in Tokyo, my friend and I were really giri giri in making our connecting train (which was the last train btw). The whole night was quite the experience, but it was a lot of fun ^^ I love meeting new people and I love izakayas ^^ (catching last trains, not so much lol).

French, Maid, Cafe

I got to speak French for the first time in two months today, and it was wonderful.

It's funny how the thing I miss most about home is speaking French. Despite being an Anglophone Montrealer, I do feel like the French language is part of who I am, and having no one to speak to in French these last few months has been really weird. Tomorrow I have a date with an old friend from McGill who is also in Tokyo on exchange, and I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen her since April, so it should be a lot of fun :) (and she was my French-partner on the telephone tonight, so more French... yaay XD)

In other news, yesterday I went to a maid cafe in Akihabara with one of my friends. I love maid cafes... I don't really care about the fetishistic aspect of it all... I just think the uniforms are super cute, and the service is really good. The one we went to yesterday was called "Hand Maid Cafe うさぎの森L<->R" . All the maids were dressed up as 'bunnies' and it was adorable. Before we went in, we had to agree to a couple of conditions. For one, photography was prohibited, which was too bad because of how cute everything is... but I was expecting that. Another condition was that we couldn't smoke in the restaurant because, it was a "forest" and smoking causes fires, and they would all die. When the cashier told us this, she wiped away a fake tear with her bunny ear. It was so cute! We agreed to these conditions and a couple of others and waited our turn to enter. When our bunny arrived, she grabbed a lamp, turned it on, and guided us to our seat, reminding us to watch our step, "because it is very dark"...which it wasn't at all. The whole ordeal was just too cute.

We could have taken purikura photos with our favourite bunny for 600¥ if we wanted, which we didn't, though I totally regret it now lol. If I go back, I might purikura next time lol.

It was by far the nicest of the three maid cafes I've been to to-date. For one, it was a huge restaurant. The decor was really cute, too, and was very reminiscent of a Disney themed restaurant. They also had a stage where they would sing time-to-time. What was interesting about this one is that I felt like it catered to all kinds of people. When people think maid cafes, they often think creepy old men with maid fetishes. The clientele in this one, however, was made up of a variety of different kinds of people. There were a couple of men who were there on their own, but there were couples, pairs of women, groups of guys, and a couple of us foreigners too. They even had an English menu at the entrance, which is always a welcoming sign. The bunnies at the counter seemed a bit worried when we first appeared, because they themselves didn't speak English, but once we told them that they could speak to us in Japanese, the whole thing went fine. I was actually really impressed by how much I understood of what they were saying to me ^^

Every part of Tokyo has a different feel to it. Some I like, some I like less, but it's all part of the grand experience of experiencing the entire city. Akihabara has a nice feeling to it. Not only are the people generally pretty nice, but it has a nice nostalgic feel to it as well. I don't think I'll ever become an anime fan again, but I can appreciate what Akihabara is and what kind of people it caters to. I dunno... I just feel a sense of general acceptance in the air when I'm there... Maybe that's why it's a popular place among the rejects of society... And as one of those people who has never quite fit in, I feel like maybe Akihabara likes me too ^^

A Matter of Perspective

I had a pretty fun day today. Two girls from my dorm, my dorm manager, and I went to the university near our place to check out their library and their cafeteria. As we sat in the cafeteria and ate our food, we started talking about the really good-looking guy sitting at the table far away. I was ooh-ing and ah-ing over his wonderful hair and sweater, and the other two girls also seemed to find him rather attractive. My dorm manager was surprised by our liking of him, because to her, he was very ordinary. With every wonderful "ordinary" guy that we passed, my friends and I continued to make comments about their beauty to our dorm manager.

I explained to her that, although these guys might look ordinary to her, Japanese guys (as well as all the Korean guys at school), dress so nicely, that it's hard not to find them attractive. Most North Americans guys dress like slobs, to be honest. Some people put such little time and effort into their appearances back home, that there's very little attractive about them.

Japanese men are very beautiful from behind. You fall in love with a guy without ever seeing his face. His hair is gelled in gravity-defying ways, his pants are tight, his shoes are pointy... he might even be carrying around a purse. This happens to me every day when I commute... I fall in love with people before I even see their faces... To be honest, the face is secondary. If he's cute, that's an added bonus, but it isn't one of the qualifications for him to gain a special place in my heart.

I wonder if this makes me a shallow person. On one hand, I totally sound like one. But on the other hand, I don't care much about the "raw materials". I don't need someone who was born with a perfect face. I just want someone who puts effort into his appearance.... is that so much to ask for?

At the very least, I can definitely say that I am enjoying my fair share of eye-candy while I'm in Japan. It's so wonderful. And I see a lot of host-type guys, and they're amazing too. There was a perfect-looking-potential-host in the Ikebukuro train station the other day.... MY GOD, HE WAS PERFECT lol. His face was perfect too.... aaaah.... lol I definitely want to go to a host club before I go back to Montreal. It'll cost me out the ass, and my Japanese is still not good enough to actually get the full value for my money, but at some point the experience has to be had.

So enough of me gushing about beautiful men... I experienced a Matcha Latte from Doutor today... It was super nummy.... ヾ(´▽｀*;)ゝ" I need to have it again... Yes, yes... And because I just putzed around Ikebukuro all day, I realized that there's a Doutor coffee shop about 10 min walking from my place... (not to mention 2 between Shinjuku-Gyoenmae and my school...), so I can probably say goodbye to my money, and hello to more of these heavenly lattes lol. I really wanna try out a Sakura Latte from Starbucks too, but I was turned down by both Starbucks' I went to today because they were both full... Ohh well... I still have some time before they disappear ^^;

I bought another JLPT N2 book today too. I've bought 3 in the last 2 weeks. I really want to try and pass N2 in July~! And much to my surprise (and delight), I've actually been reading them and working with them. It's wonderful. Reading them is a little bittersweet though. They're definitely helpful, but they do remind me of how much learning I still need to do in this language. At the same time, the more I read them, the more I'll learn. Even if I only retain 10% of all the vocabulary I've learned from these books, it's still 10% more than I had before, right? ^^

Cards and Truffles

I already feel like this week has been really long... and it's only Tuesday.

I've been feeling down a lot lately, so I figured it'd be good to focus on the latest happy occurrences in Pinky's life.

For one, I received a wonderful Valentine's card from home on Friday. I totally wasn't expecting anything, and when I came in, my dorm manager presented me with a pink envelop with my mom's writing all over it. It was a really cute card, and it happened to contain some cash too, which was another nice surprise. I haven't spent it yet. Whenever I receive gift money, I feel like I have to be very careful on what I spend it on. I separated it from the rest of my cash in my wallet and I want to wait until I find something special to spend it. ^^

Talking about cards, I'm sure if you read my blog regularly, you know that I sent a birthday card out two weeks ago... Well a couple of days ago I got the sweetest thank you message ever in my fb inbox. He really appreciated my card, and that made me really happy. The rest of that day ended up being so weird and disappointing, so I was really happy that at least one thing had gone right ^^

Oh, and a friend and I made truffles the other day that turned out DELICIOUS. I usually dislike anything cheese-cake-y, but these were WONDERFUL. They were oreo cheesecake truffles, that were super easy to make (and even easier to eat...) If I get a chance, I'd like to make them again... I could eat them forever.... lol...

Anyways, that's it for tonight... Midterms on Thursday... wish me luck, guys!

Questionable Meanings 1: Song Lyrics

I like fun, catchy music as much as everyone else does. But me being me, I can't just listen to music superficially. As I learn the lyrics to songs, I start to really listen to the lyrics, and start noticing things that most people probably don't notice.

So as I procrastinate for my kanji exam tomorrow, I've decided it's time to examine a couple of songs I rather enjoy, and explain how deep down, they actually have horrible, horrible meanings.

Subject A: No One Else - Weezer

On the surface, it sounds like a cute song about how the singer wants a girlfriend who isn't constantly trying to impress other guys, only him. But if you listen carefully, it's actually about a really possessive guy who wants his girlfriend to put him before everything and everyone else. Let's examine the following lyrics, shall we?

I want a girl who will laugh for no one else
When I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf
When I'm away she never leaves the house
I want a girl who laughs for no one else

See that lyric there? The one about never leaving the house? I smell possessive boyfriend, yes yes. I guess the rest of the song isn't all that possessive-sounding... but still. I feel like the chorus is pretty significant. A girl can't choose to be pretty just to be pretty. She has to put on make-up for her boyfriend (which implies that without said make-up she might not be suitable for said-boyfriend). Oh yeah, and she can't have friends, right? Cause she isn't supposed to laugh for anyone but her wonderful man. Hmmm... I dunno, man, I just don't know.

Subject B: Our Love Was Saved By Spacemen - The Pipettes

I really love this song. I love the concept of songs about alien abductions. I love the way the song sounds. And at first glance, this song seems pretty cute and happy. But, really, it's about a relationship gone wrong, and now that this guy's memory has been erased, he has once again fallen in love with his girlfriend.

He used to be so cruel
Took our love for a game
He played me for a fool
Until the day those Martians came

And now he's falling in love again
With me
It's like we're back to the start again
And I'm as happy as can be

Now the girlfriend seems pretty happy about the fact that their love was "saved", but not gonna lie, if the boyfriend was as bad as a person as she describes in the rest of the song, would you really want to get back together with him, knowing how much of a jerk he really is? And wouldn't the relationship logically fall apart again...? He may have lost his memory, but he'll have the same asshole tendencies as before, no?

Today's Conclusion

Now, do these songs become bad because their lyrics are somewhat questionable? Not at all. I still really love both of them. But I would refrain from calling either of these songs romantic in any way. The first is about being possessive, and the second is about wanting to be in a potentially-abusive (or at least loveless) relationship. Saying these songs are romantic would be like saying that "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is romantic... which, I guess it is, if you like stalkers.