Disappointments Need Not Apply

I've always been afraid of disappointing people. I was taught at a young age to work hard and follow certain rules in order to be a good child, and later, a good person.

I guess for that reason, I have very high hopes of others. I assume that others will want to work hard to obtain a friendship with me, and follow the same rules that my parents taught me as a child. So, good friends should not be mean, or use me for their own needs. They should want to talk to me, hang out with me, be honest with me. Boys should pay on dates. They should hold the door for you. They should let you get on a bus first.

I've never had a good boyfriend by my parents' standards. Not that they've ever met any of the boys I've dated, but if they would have, they would have been disappointed with them. And as I look back on the few relationships I've had, I'm pretty disappointed with them too. They've all been cheap and lazy, with no direction in life. They've tried to change who I am to make me more like normal girls, and when they realize I can't conform to normal standards, they get rid of me. Or at least that's how my last two relationships have gone.

I guess I should see it this way: If I am afraid to bring a guy home to my parents, for fear of disappointing them, I shouldn't be dating him, period.

Although I have had few boyfriends, I've had many friends in my life, and most of these friendships have been pretty disappointing too. I've always had good grades, and many of my friendships have revolved around my classmates contacting me for academic purposes. Then, once the school year, or semester is over, I barely ever hear from them. Furthermore, I seem to be the friend that introduces friends, then gets left behind while said friends become BFFs. I'm also the friend that organizes stuff: if I don't organize something, it doesn't happen. Or people just hang out without me.

I'm not too sure where I'm getting at with this. I guess my conclusion is that people disappoint me time and time again, and that is why I am becoming more and more picky about who I want to keep as friends. And perhaps because my life has been punctuated with such social disappointments, I assume the worst as much as I can in order to keep myself from further disappointment. Hell, that's why I feel so skeptical about this whole Japan thing working out: will this just be one more disappointment, or will it turn out great?