One of my biggest fears is that I scare people away with my clinginess.
Whether it's with friends or guys that I like, I become very clingy. You come online, I want to send you an IM. I see you in class, I want to talk to you. I run into you, I want to hang out. If I see you as very important to me, I want to have a lot of contact with you. And I'm scared that pushes people away. Because I don't have a personal bubble, I find it difficult to comprehend others' need for personal space.
Part of me feels that I'm a very dependant person because of this. I like one-on-one meet-ups instead of group things because I get all of your attention. In groups I always feel ignored. Perhaps it's because I've always felt like a big freak, so I feel like I can't interact in a group, no matter how close I am to the people in said group. It's weird, but it's just the way I work. I've always been the friend that introduces two friends and then gets left behind, so maybe that's why I feel this way. Or maybe I'm overthinking things again, as per my usual.
Another part of me just thinks that I hate silence. With the exception of when I'm studying or trying to get actual work done, I absolutely hate silence. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I worry that something is wrong. I sense tension, even if there isn't any. I get paranoid. So in conversing with you, I feel like there is no weird silent barrier between us. If you had a problem with me you'd tell me, right? Or at least I'd be able to tell by your way of speaking, your tone of voice, etc. But with silence, you never really know what's going on in someone's head. It's all left up to the imagination. And if you overthink as much as I do, all you get are negative vibes.
Yet another part thinks that it all has to do with my incessant hate of waiting for things. I like things and people to be on time. Hell, I'm the only person I know who takes birth control for my mental health: one less thing to wait for. Waiting stresses me out, to the point where I can even become physically ill because of it. So if I've just met you and I think you're pretty cool, I'll want our friendship to become awesome right away: I don't want to wait and see how it turns out in the long run. Perhaps that's why I don't have a filter: I'll tell anyone my life story if they show the interest.
So, if I talk to you a lot, don't think of me as a big creeper, but just see me as someone who wants to be better friends with you. And just let me know if you're the type who needs a lot of space, that way I don't misunderstand you either ^^
I understand your feeling. I am one of those who also want to devote myself to those I admire/respect, and I do ask myself whether I'm being too much.
ReplyDeleteBut if the person really appreciates you, she/he would just tell you they're busy wouldn't they. If you insist at that point, they might find you annoying, but if you're understanding... it should be all fine. They'll tell when they're free and that's it.
I, for one, really appreciate your kind words on twitter :D even if I don't know you much.
As usual, Akasen speaks words of wisdom!
ReplyDeleteMyself being quite emotionally dependent towards my friends, I really like it when people I care about come to talk to me and try to interact with me. It feels like we're having true human contact. But if I am busy or in a hurry, I can also tell them straight that it's not the right time. As long as we have that understanding and we find the right timing to talk, I think people who like you will always appreciate the efforts you're making for them. :)
Thank you for your comments <3
ReplyDeleteI really do appreciate your words <3
I guess my fear is that the effort is one-sided (on my side) and that the other person is giving me those leave-me-alone vibes and I just don't notice. I'm not good with subtlety. >__<