Mental Health Day

I had never called in sick before. Especially without being "sick."

But what can one consider "sick"? Throwing up? Fever? Rashes?

What about stress? Is stress a valid reason to call in sick?

Yesterday, I tried to quit my job. After being prepped by a whole support team, I marched over to my work, and tried to tell my boss that, due to health reasons, I could no longer work for her. Because for the last week or so, I have been battling all kinds of unhealthiness: Vomiting, lack of appetite, stomach aches, a fainting episode in the train, and numerous breakdowns waiting to happen. And with the exception of the vomiting that may have been due to bad food, pretty much all of the rest is directly stress-related. And nothing stresses me out as much as my work. But of course, I went in every day I was asked to last week without question. But over the weekend, something in my head snapped: I need to leave this place. It is not good for my physical, mental, or emotional health.

So bearing all this in mind, I did the impossible for someone like me: I confronted my boss. Only for her to ignore every single thing I said, play down my ailments, and act as if she couldn't understand what I was telling her. She encouraged me, however, to inform her of me being physically unwell so I wouldn't have to come in on those days.

After regrouping with my support team today, we decided the best thing for me to do was to call in sick today. Because truth be told, I felt like I wanted to vomit. I felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry forever. I felt like I might just fall apart if I went in today. I felt sick, because I am not well.

And now that I've stayed home one day, I'm not too sure what to do. Do I try to tell her again that I want to leave ASAP? Or do I try to stick it out till the end of March, and just tell her that I'll quit before the new school year starts in April?

I know that deep down I want out right now. But due to financial reasons, I should probably stay a little longer. Maybe when I go in tomorrow, I'll feel better about everything, because I've had a day to just recoup. But I wonder if that's not actually the worst case scenario after all...

Sundays...

What is it about Sundays that just make them so yucky?

You could be having a great week. And then, PAF, Sunday comes along and you feel like you just can't get anything done. And you feel like the city isn't moving at the right speed. And you feel like just coming home and doing nothing. And then you come home and feel guilty for doing nothing all day.

Yeah, that was the kind of Sunday that today was. Except this week wasn't great. It wasn't horrible either. But it was a hard week.

I failed JLPT Level 1 and am still not sure how to deal with it. I can't say that I needed the certification for anything. But I wanted it, and the fact that I failed it by two lousy points is just awful. If they held these exams more often and they didn't cost so much money to take, I probably wouldn't feel as shitty about the results. But between the ever-rising yen, and the fact that I feel absolutely financially screwed for the next few years of my life, I don't know if I should even consider retaking the exam in July.

Money has become a problem lately. Not because I have none of it, but because if I don't start saving now, I will be absolutely screwed once I enter school in April. So I feel guilty spending any money at all. And I feel trapped.

Work is also making me feel trapped and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm taking on more than I can emotionally take on because I need the money. And once April comes around, I will barely be working, which means money's going to get extremely tight.

I need to seriously look into some scholarships. And need to seriously start budgeting my money. And I need to seriously just learn to calm the fuck down a little.