13.09.30

1. In the same way I would assume you would want your parents to like the guy you're with, you want your friends to be equally enthusiastic about whatever tiny encounters or excitements you might have. Somehow you inevitably crave the approval of the group. But a tiny put-down seems to bother you forever, even if it really shouldn't. It's been one of those kinds of days.

2. I hope tomorrow will be awesome. I hope Friday went as well as I hope it did. I hope it's mutual.

3. I don't like always being by myself, but there are some advantages to going places alone. You meet people you may have never met otherwise.

4. I found the perfect Christmas gift for a couple of friends, but it isn't even October yet so I gotta just hold on and not do anything for a few weeks. I hope that if I do go through with it, it'll get me all the intended laughs, and with some luck, some actual usage.

5. I have three hair brushes and 4 sets of tweezers and there are times when I find neither of either of them.

6. Reading a manga about the end of the world centering around Tokyo is cool and all when you live in  North America, but is terrifying when you actually live in Tokyo.

13.09.26

1. I've had a rough month. I took a huge fall on the street and scraped up my knees real bad. I climbed a mountain and fucked up my leg for two weeks. I caught a cold. I need to fucking get healthy and non-accidenty and shit.

2. Living by yourself and feeling physically shitty is really awful. Add being single into the mix, and all you crave is for a nice pretty boy to take care of you, bring you soup and hot chocolate and blankets and shit. 

3. And so I can't stop thinking of you, even though you're probably completely full of shit and don't care about me. But I'm stubborn and don't want to let you go yet. 

4. People I care about have to stop fucking quitting school. Another friend from class told me yesterday that he'll probably drop out after this year. If he leaves I'll be so sad. Just coming to school since A. left has been so fucking hard. I miss him so fucking much. He wasn't just the guy I liked in class. 

Our class is so tiny and will probably only get smaller next year. And so everyone's presence in class is felt strongly. And when he left you could just tell that everything was off. The whole dynamic was off. And even the teacher was different. She cut off her long hair and didn't smile for a few weeks. She was tougher than usual and somewhat unapproachable. Everything was just so weird and awkward. And sad.

Another girl dropped out at the same time as him, but I guess no one really noticed, because she was always a bit of a faint existence in our class. But everyone liked A. 

5. I've been trying to see him, but maybe I came off too strongly. Or too crazy. Or too desperate. Who knows. The thing is that I always go after guys who seem a little bit off, which isn't a bad thing, but it just makes meeting them that much more difficult. But the thing is that I am worried about this kid, and so I want to see him to see how he's doing. Or maybe that's really just an excuse.