Still Standing, but...

I still don't really know what to make about everything.

Some days I feel good. Other days I don't. Sometimes physically, others emotionally.

I've realized I've become very needy emotionally. More than ever before, I really just need people to be there for me. I need people's support. I need people's concern. But I don't need other people's worries.

I feel somewhat selfish, but right now I feel I need to put myself first if I want to overcome my problems.

If I seem distant, or snappy, or somewhat irresponsive to things that are happening back home, please forgive me. A lot is going on right now, and I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with other people's problems at the moment. For 20 days now, I feel like I've been using 110% of abilities to keep myself and others motivated, and somewhat content. I've had to deal with the sudden loss of many friends and acquaintances, almost overnight. I've had to deal with literally hundreds of earthquakes. I've had to deal with upsetting news reports. I've had to deal with ignorance from abroad. I've had to deal with my own personal problems as well.

When visiting the Tokyo Tower the other day, I realized that it and I are sort of alike right now. The earthquake on March 11th left the tip of the tower bent. It's not very much damage, and if you compare it to everything that happened in Sendai and Fukushima, and the entirety of that region, it suffered next to nothing. But it's been marked. It's an important Tokyo symbol, and it's been marked for everyone to see. It's still standing strong and tall, but part of it is not okay anymore. And because it isn't anything major, fixing it is in no way a priority right now. But it can't be fixed on it's own.

I live in Tokyo. I didn't suffer any physical damage. I only lost 70¥ salt. I didn't lose my house. I didn't lose my family. I'm in literally no position to complain. But a lot of things have changed. And I'm not 100% anymore. And I don't know how to fix it on my own. But I feel ashamed asking for help, because I am totally not a priority right now. I just need to somehow grin and bear everything until bigger things are settled.

That being said, if it weren't for the following people, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so thankful that my parents have been so calm about everything going on in Japan. All my friends' parents have forced them home, or at least tried to pressure them into leaving. But my parents have been really encouraging and rational, and I'm just extremely grateful. I don't know what I would have done had I had to battle with them as well.

Another person I'm extremely indebted to is Akane. My God, if it weren't for her, I don't know where I'd be right now. Like my parents, she has been one of the only completely rational people I've spoken to since March 11th. She never asks me if I want to go home. She never asks me ignorant questions. She encourages me to stay strong. She helps calm me down when I'm not doing well. She checks up on me regularly. She sends me informative news reports. She fangirls with me over SMAP and Kimutaku. She's just an all-round wonderful person, whom I love dearly and I'm just so thankful I have her in my life ♥

I'm also extremely grateful to have a ton of SMAP music at my disposal. It sounds silly, but I've sort of become emotionally dependent on their music over the last while. It's literally all I listen to. It's fun, it's up-beat, and it's sung by beautiful men (two of whom I will be marrying in the near future :P). Another thing that's great about them, is that they're distracting. They distract me from everything. They make me smile. They comfort me. They make me happy.

Talking about SMAP, they had a live episode of SMAP x SMAP on March 21st about what we, as the people of Japan, can do to help following March 11th's earthquake. It was such an emotional show, my eyes were all teary the entire time. Some people are so strong and selfless. I yearn to be more like them.

That being said, here's the opening from that episode. I've watched it so many times, and still get teary-eyed listening to them sometimes. 「信じるものを一つにしましょう。自分たちを信じましょう。日本を信じましょう。そしてその信じる思いをみんなで繋げましょう。」

No More Words

I've been trying to write this entry for a while now, and I just don't know what to say.

In all truth, I think I'm all talked out. How many times do I say "earthquake" or "nuclear plant" in a day? How many times do I say "I have no intention of going home"?

Right now, the most heartbreaking thing in Tokyo for me, is how many of my friends are going home. Everyday another person leaves my dorm. I've had five people leave over the last few days. Two more are leaving tomorrow. Another leaves Sunday. Who knows who's after that.

I would say that more than half of the students have left my school. As of next week, classes will have become voluntary, and based on the show of hands in class today, I will most likely be the only one in class.

Life is scary right now, I'm not going to say otherwise. I have aftershocks and new earthquakes multiple times a day. I check news sites more often than I should. I check radiation levels. I have started making myself sick with worry as well... I worry when people start going home. I worry when people back home ask me how things are. I worry when people start panicking. That is what's making me ill. I'm stressed out, and simply need life to return to normal.

That being said, what I need most from my friends is for them to support my decision to stay here. I need people to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I need people abroad to comfort me because I'm running out of people to support me here.

As my father put it, "We sent you to Japan not only to learn the language, but to experience life in Japan," and there is so much that I have experienced in the last seven days. I've experienced difficulties, but I have also experienced so much kindness, and observed so much co-operation. Although there may always be a part of Japan that I may not understand, I feel like the hardship of last Friday has brought all residents in Japan (alien or native) closer together and I am proud to be living in such noble country.

2 Weeks in a Nutshell

Man, how long has it been since my last post? 2 weeks or so? I'm a bad blogger... >___>;

I actually had the opportunity to do some somewhat touristy things in the last two weeks. For one, I went to Enoshima and Kamakura with the US Program students from my school. Everything was super pretty, and we had fantastic weather :)

It was really nice to see the real Japan for once. A friend of mine had told me that I needed to get outside of Tokyo to experience Japan. At first I didn't really believe her, but coming back from this trip, I understand her 100%. It's not to say that there's anything wrong with Tokyo. I really love it. But it's just a big city and all big cities sort of resemble each other, no matter where you are in the world.

But outside the city lies another world entirely. The architecture is different. The people are different. This is when you realize you are no longer in your own country, and it's wonderful. Japan really is a beautiful country with greenery and temples and shrines and mountains, and all that kind of pretty scenery stuff. We even went as far as the sea (ocean? large water body that flows into the ocean?), which was really nice too.

I also got to visit Disney Sea last week. We went as a sort of school trip where each class voted on whether or not they would go to Disney Land or Disney Sea, and then once there, we were free to socialize with our friends from other classes. Most of my friends got Disney Land, which was where I wanted to go, but mine got Disney Sea... Oh well... it was nice anyway ^^ For those of you who don't know, Disney Sea is a popular couples' destination, so pretty much all you see are couples and high school kids. On the plus side, there are very few children at the park, which was sort of nice.

By the way, these sorts of super awesome hats are pretty much obligatory at Tokyo Disney. Despite there being almost no children at my park, almost everyone was wearing cool hats like these :P

Halfway through my Disney day, I ran into a friend and his friends, and ended up staying with them at the park until pretty late. We then went out drinking at some small Izakaya at Machiya train station. Because trains don't run very late in Tokyo, my friend and I were really giri giri in making our connecting train (which was the last train btw). The whole night was quite the experience, but it was a lot of fun ^^ I love meeting new people and I love izakayas ^^ (catching last trains, not so much lol).