I am not American: Part 132

What I find the most upsetting about living in Japan is how often I get mistaken for an American at school. I understand that there are only three Canadian students in my entire school, and besides the one Russian guy, all the other white kids are American. I understand that I am a minority. But still.

Somehow teachers never seem to forget about the Malaysians, Vietnamese, and Thai students at my school, and there are so few of them as well. Despite the fact that the Malaysian students usually just speak Chinese with the Chinese kids would make you think that the teachers would mix them up too.

But they don't. Somehow the Canadians are the only ones who get forgotten. Is it because I'm white and speak English. Is that it?

Grouping me together with the Americans is like me grouping Japanese and Korean people together. It's exactly the same thing. They kind of look alike, and their culture is sort of similar, right?

Except that Japan and Korea are a world apart. Japanese people and Korean people look so different from each other. Their languages sounds completely different. Their customs are different. Their people are different.

So why is it so hard for my teachers to understand how ignorant it is for them to ask me about America? I've never lived their in my fucking life. I can't tell you how X, Y or Z is in the US. I can barely tell you how it's like in Canada.

Canadians and Americans might look alike on the surface. We might speak the same language. But we're not the same. We have different customs, different cultures, different histories.

So next time you ask me what life is like in America, be ready for me to ask you what it's like in Korea, because you clearly won't understand how I feel otherwise.

Caged

They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm really not sure about that. The more time passes, the more you analyze and reanalyze a situation, until you've analyzed it to death and you realize how much you were hurt. And it hurts more. And you grow more angry and bitter, and you begin to hate.

I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. And it's killing me. And I don't mean think of in a longing-way. No, I pinpoint him as the route of all my emotional problems these days. It probably isn't fair of me to do that, but it can't be helped.

The thing is that I am constantly reminding myself of the fact that I can't have things that normal people have. And that constantly reminds me of him. Because he was the one who made me realize that my shortcomings make me undesirable as a person. Worthless, even.

So whenever I feel worthless, I think of him. Whenever I feel like I will never amount to anything, I think of him.

Because they are linked in my mind.

I want him to go away. I want my problems to go away. I want to go to bed and wake up and be fresh and new and free.

南極大陸

I swear, I can't watch an episode of 南極大陸 (Nankyoku Tairiku, Antarctica) without crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much during a drama series... and we're still only at episode four...

That being said, I guess it's a good thing that I keep missing it on TV and watching it online instead. It'd be really fucking awkward for me to be bawling in the kitchen around quasi-strangers lol.

I can't get over how much I'm enjoying it either. For a series that, on the surface, looked like it was was going to be pretty boring (a bunch of men in snow suits hanging out with a bunch of dogs in Antarctica), it's actually really fucking interesting. And, you know, the fact that my dearest hubby, Kimura Takuya, plays the main role is a major plus.

Talking about Hubby, he's starting to look a little old in this drama. I guess the snow suit and toque have something to do with it. But when his face is printed on the cover of the many magazines in the conbinis, he still looks gorgeous, so it's all good.

Stress Stress Stress

Application forms are not only a pain in the ass, but I'm pretty sure I'm actually allergic to them.

Or at least I have some sort of application-form phobia. Who knows. All I know is that if I amount to nothing in life, it'll be because I had a nervous breakdown in front of a half-completed application form for something uberly important, didn't make the deadline, and was royally screwed as a result of this.

All this to say, I'm in hyper-stressed mode, cause all the shit has a tendency of hitting the fan at the same time. But I guess it can't be helped, so I'll do what I can, right? And if that means binge-eating chocolate and other equally bad-for-my-health foods, then so be it!

Inside

I had been thinking about earthquakes all day.

Not that a day goes by without thinking about them, mind you. Not a day goes by that I don't feel my body shake, even though the ground stands still.

But lately they had seemed to have disappeared. And perhaps, because in my mind, we were due to have one any time soon, I was lead to think of them all day.

Earlier today, as I mindlessly browsed Facebook for hours while waiting for packages to arrive, a friend of mine mentioned a National Geographic documentary about the March 11th quake, and how she couldn't watch more than seven minutes of it. So I looked it up myself. I only got through five.

I don't know why I looked it up. Maybe curiosity. Maybe a sort of deranged nostalgia. I couldn't remember the feeling of an earthquake. Everything just felt so distant. So far. But as I watched what seemed like hours of footage squeezed into the several hundred seconds of video I actually watched, I felt entirely tense. I had goosebumps. I had tears in my eyes. And I couldn't look away.

I could have probably watched the whole thing. But I saw the state I was already in, and figured that mentally, emotionally, and probably physically as well, I probably shouldn't put myself through this right now. Not now.

The day passed by, and I kept thinking of everything. Of how life has changed. How I have changed since March. And how incomprehensible all this is to those who weren't here.

In my mind, this is the most significant uchi/soto relationship.

Tonight, as I sat in my nearly pitch-black room, the light bulb to my only lamp dead and currently un-changeable, the ground began to shake again. After weeks of calm, the chaos returned.

This is what separates us.

望みは何かと訊かれたら・・・

・・・君がこの星に居てくれることだ

　 投稿者 yukimusicbox

Sometimes all it takes is someone's bad attitude and horrible words to put you in a shit mood all day. And today was no doubt one of those days.

I've always prided myself on the fact that it takes a whole lot to offend me. But that doesn't mean that I'm not easily hurt. In fact, it's somewhat the opposite.

But that being said, if I am to be hurt, let me be hurt by the people directly involved in the situation at hand. I don't need you to shit on my dreams, as unattainable as they may be, in the hopes of keeping me from being hurt later on. I'm not that frail that I need you to cushion the blow with your negative bullshit. You don't know me well enough to say what you said today, you've never met the other party involved, and you have no right to "save me" the pain of what may or may not come in the future. Furthermore, you have no right to say that you're telling me is "the truth." You aren't this other person, you have no idea of what's going on in someone else's head, so don't insist that you're right.

I know you could be right. I'm sure you probably are too. But I'm especially good at crushing my own hopes. I really don't need another party to help me feel like shit.

I really don't have all that many dreams. And some of them I am quite aware will never be realized. Because they're dreams, and thus not reality. But I don't need to be reminded of that. Because it is sometimes these tiny unattainable dreams that help us from falling apart in life. And I need every little bit of fake hope some days to keep me sane.

Please, Please, Please...

I'm starting to believe that Morrissey and Co. totally wrote all those Smiths songs about me, back in the 80s.

I mean, let's just ignore the fact that the Smiths broke up before I was even born....

...but I swear you can tell the story of my life through their song titles alone.

I've been listening to the song Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want a lot lately. Well, because there are things that I want in life that seem simple enough, and that I feel I never actually seem to have. That and because the song is wonderful.

But today, upon listening to it for the umpteenth time, I couldn't help but wonder: Am I just not getting what I want in life? or is it that I am getting what I want, but it turns out that what I wanted just isn't what I expected it to be?

Expect Less, Enjoy More

What you come to realize when you start to "grow up", is that when you're old enough to make your own decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself for the disappointments you feel.

It isn't others who disappoint us. It is us who place people higher than we should, and when these people fail to give us whatever fantastical things we have imagined that they would one day give us, we are hurt, angry and upset.

But these people have never promised us these things that we seem to want from them. It is us who projected things onto them.

And so it is unfair to be angry with them.




Which, I guess means that the only logical step to go from here is to try and want less. Try to expect less. And try to spend more time enjoying what we do have. Because without that, we have nothing at all.

Nine Months

I can't believe it's been a whole month since my last post!

Well, since my last update, I've finished yet another semester at school, I've moved into a guest house, and Japan and I have celebrated our nine month anniversary.

Nine months.

That being said, we've officially hit the point in time in which I was supposed to be back in Montreal. But here I am, in Tokyo. No regrets.

If I were a good blogger, I'd reflect upon how the last nine months have been eye-opening and worldview-changing, but we all know I'm not like that. That being said, here's to another nine months, Tokyo!

Not gonna lie, I do need to finally get my ass in gear and start applying for part-time work. That or I'll start running out of money. Not that I'm that attached to money per se, but more money means more time in Japan. And I'm still not ready to leave.

I'm sure I'll hit a point when it'll be time to go home. I don't think Tokyo is my forever home. But it's my for-now home, and I plan to enjoy it as much as I can while I'm here. :)

Roller Coaster Pinky

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. But so long as there are ups, I have to think positively.

The downs, well, they aren't the bad kind of downs, but the foreboding future-deciding downs.

For one, I've chosen to extend my stay in Japan for at least one more semester. Which is absolutely a good thing. But with extending my stay, means having to find a new place to live, which is stressing me out like hell. And when Pinky stresses out, she avoids dealing with said stressor, and thus the problem is not solved.

And because I really don't want to dwell on that horrible reality, that's as far as I'm taking up that update for now.

Another horrible reality, is that I'm trying to figure out what to do post-KCP (KCP being the name of my language school). Do I apply to grad school? Do I try to find a job? And if I do want to work, as what? And if I do want to do grad school, I need to seriously get my ass in gear and get on those applications.

But as with the previously mentioned stress-topic, this is as far as I'm going to take this as well for now.

See where I'm getting at? I don't want to face my problems. But I really have no choice but to face them. And fast. Cause I'm running out of time to dilly-dally.

But let's talk about fun things too. Because, I enjoy fun things~! (And you should too!)

I had a really good weekend~! Even though I was feeling sorta anti-social on Saturday, I got invited by some Harajuku Fashion Friends to some event, so I decided what the hell, and went. And it was super fun~! I got to go to a part of town I'd never been to, and take trains I'd never taken, and as I love exploring and trains, such things inevitably make me quite excited. Then the event itself, which was pretty small-scale and underground-ish, was a lot of fun too. I look forward to the next one~!

Then on Sunday I walked around all over town~! First from Shibuya to Daikanyama. Then all over Daikanyama. Then back to Shibuya. And finally from Shibuya to Shinjuku. I'm aware this means almost nothing to most people reading it, but it was a significant amount of walking, which makes me super happy. Needless to say, my legs were super sore when I woke up this morning, but no regrets! When it gets a little cooler, maybe I'll try to walk the entirety of the Yamanote Line (which I heard takes something like twelve hours to complete)!

So Pinky's conclusion of the day: So long as there are ups, I can find a way to get through the downs. Fuck do I ever sound like one of those positive people today lol.

Public Figures and Death: My Two Cents

I had literally just come home from a huge rant about why I don't really care about celebrity deaths to find my Facebook overflowing with "RIP Jack Layton" updates. And my first thought was that it would be especially hypocritical of me to care.

Now, I'm not going to say that celebrities and politicians are one and the same. Because they are altogether different people, in the public eye for different reasons. But it is because of their presence in the public eye that makes people want to care, is it not?

I never knew anything about Jack Layton, mainly because I am generally uninterested in the world of politics. And perhaps because I am from a "free", "safe", "advanced" country, regardless of who I vote for in elections, the future of my country will pretty much stay the same. But, besides that, I vote Liberal based on whatever uninformed preconceptions I have, and am happy doing so.

In this past election, living abroad and overwhelmed with a whole new sense of indifference, I didn't bother to vote. I can't say I'm necessarily proud of that, but that's just the way it is. I didn't vote and that's that. But if I had voted, it would have been Liberal. Just because.

That being said, the only things I have ever associated with Jack Layton are bright orange and that vandalized election poster that read "E.Jack.U.Layton." That is as much as he has ever meant to me, and that's as far as it will ever go.

I'm sure he was a great man with great visions for Canada. And perhaps things would have changed had he come into power. And perhaps he was the popular youth vote. And perhaps he motivated people in ways I cannot understand.

But perhaps it was also extremely irresponsible of him to run in the last election. If he really was this sick, what was the point of running in the first place? Would it not be your responsibility, as party leader, to step down knowing that you might not be around much longer? Had he been voted in instead of Harper, I feel like this would have just spawned another election, or at least widespread anger across the country.

Every death is sad. And when it comes to politicians, one could argue that they wanted to help the world, and the fact that they have died means that their visions for the country may never be realized. But I also believe that everyone has their own problems in life, and to go out of my way to mourn for someone who I have never known personally, and is not someone who has ever meant anything to me, is a little silly.

Everyone has public figures that they adore or respect or want to marry or whatever. And, anyone who knows anything about me knows that there's at least one celebrity that I would marry in a heartbeat. People like to like people in the spotlight. And if any of those people of yours were to pass away, I think it's absolutely fair to mourn. Because for whatever reason, they meant something to you. But jumping on public figure mourning bandwagons is something I look down upon like nothing else.

Before Michael Jackson died, he was a seen as a huge creeper and pedophile. When he died, he became seen as a misunderstood genius overnight. Amy Winehouse was a crack addict, and people were so sad about the loss of "great talent" when she died of her addictions.

But there are countless good people who die everyday. Good, anonymous people. And no one gives a shit about these people. And that is the bigger tragedy, in my opinion.

So before you label me as a huge heartless bitch, think about this all for a minute. Go pick up a newspaper and read the obituaries of regular people. Give them a minute of silence. Don't give it to those who have already had more than their 15 min of fame.

The Grass is Just as Green

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. And so long as you are human, it is natural to feel jealous of others.

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.

But upon further inspection, is the grass really all that greener? Or is it simply another shade of green altogether?

About a month ago, we were made to write speeches in class, and one girl's speech was exactly about this. Quoting someone else, she said something along the lines of, "If you are going to be jealous of someone's abilities, be jealous of all the hardships they had to go through in order to get there."

No one really gets a free pass in life. Some people have more money. Some people are naturally pretty. Some people are extremely bright. But no one is especially perfect, and everyone has their own problems, regardless of how flawless or superb they seem.

Every person you meet is made up of every single experience that took place in their lives up until now. And if you consider all the traumatic and upsetting things that have happened in your own life, you can only assume that the other has gone through at least as many horrible events.

This is not to say that some people have it worse off than others, because we all know that the world isn't fair. But in general, most people are on a pretty equal level of average.

So why am I bringing this up all of a sudden? Because I am surrounded by foreigners who speak Japanese so much better than I do, and this in itself is an extremely frustrating thing. But it isn't fair to be jealous of them. Most of them are Korean, and their vocabulary and grammar are extremely similar. Others are Chinese, and don't have to spend as much time learning characters. And every now and then you'll find a random white kid who is just naturally amazing at languages. But some of them are older than me. Some of them have never gone to university. Some of them have had to undergo mandatory time in the army. Some of them sleep throughout class because of how they spend so much time working part-time jobs in order to support themselves.

And here I am, at 23, with a Bachelor's degree from a good university, fluent in two extremely important world languages, and here thanks to a supporting family. This isn't to say that life is easy. Because life isn't easy regardless of what you have. But at the end of the day, I really have nothing to complain about.

Memories

Memories are not always a bad thing.

Although far away in time and space, many memories are positive.

I love visiting places with memories attached to them. A park bench. A subway station. A school. Some of them are good, some of them bad, and others average, yet somewhat significant.

You can't pass by them without thinking of the time when that something took place.

And you wonder, how this place, completely void of emotions and feelings can trigger so much.

And you wonder how many people who pass by it have no idea about your attachment to it.

And you wonder how many people are attached to the very same places.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back...

...is still progress, right?

I'm honestly starting to think that that's the best way to look at life.

Everything in life is about movement, whether physical or figurative.

No one would argue with me that physical movement defines a good chunk of our lives: depending on what places we are forced to commute, we identify ourselves as students, workers, shoppers, patients, etc.; depending on where in the world we live, we consider ourselves as a member of that city, country, continent.

But the figurative moving, the moving on from one part of our lives to the next is equally, if not more important. And whatever it is that forces us to move forward is often something that we don't want to part from.

As time goes by the longing for what is no longer, or that that never was, seems to fade. Because that's how life goes. But see a photo of someone who meant so much to you so long ago, seeing a photo of that person in the here and now, without you and without the need for you, somehow that always makes you go back a step.

This isn't limited to past loves or anything like that either. Friends and places change just as much over time. And it doesn't have to be with a photo either. But photos hit you hard. Because you see the change. Or the lack there of.

And you're instantly transported back. Not back in time, but back to a previous stage of your life that is no longer. Because every memory you have is attached to what no longer exists in this world.

But we're still moving forward. Because we have no other choice.

Saturday Night Reflections

One of the things I enjoy about life right now, is that I not only the ability to meet and interact with Japanese people, but also the fact that I am given the opportunity to meet all kinds of people from all over the world.

Between the people I meet at school, to friends of friends, to random people in the street, I have had the chance to meet so many different kinds of people, and I think it's wonderful.

The world is extremely vast and extremely small at the same time. And the more people you meet throughout life, the more you start to realize this. You can live halfway across the world, and still find tons of commodities from home. And while living in this faraway land, you can meet someone who lived a couple of hours away from where you used to live, and live a world apart from them.

The more you interact with people, the more some stereotypes are destroyed, while others are fortified. But most importantly, the more you interact with people, the more you learn about the world, and about yourself.

It's obvious that I didn't have to travel to the opposite side of the planet to be able to talk to people from various cultural backgrounds. Montreal is a whole lot more multicultural a place than Tokyo will ever be. However, the way you interact with people of different nationalities is somewhat different when you yourself are a foreigner. And the way people act with you is different as well. It's somewhat hard to explain, but I think that anyone who's lived in a foreign country could agree with me.

There are a lot of difficulties that come with being the foreigner, but there are also a lot of good things as well. And being able to see the world through different eyes is no doubt one of these positive things.

Happy Stuff（｀・ω・´）vイェイ！

I've noticed that my blog seems to revolve around the negative aspects in my life. That being said, if anyone's reading my blog and only my blog in an attempt to figure out what's going on in my life, I look like an extremely depressed and unhappy girl. But that's actually not the case at all. This blog is just where I dispose of all my shitty emotions.

So that being said, let's look at some little things that make me happy.

1. Purikura

Fuck, I love purikura. I love everything about it. I love how tacky it is. I love how much your face gets warped in the photos and your eyes turn out humongous. I love that the pictures print out as cute little fucking stickers. And I love that I have a fucking sticker album that I decorate with said photos and other cute stickers, as if I were a 12-year-old girl. Best. Invention. Ever.

Purikura-album-decorating pretty much guarantees happiness. Yay.

2. This Month's Utility Bill

I fucking laughed so hard when I saw my bill: ¥10. For those of you who know nothing about the Yen, my bill was pretty much $0.10. Best bill ever. I usually owe waaay more than I expect. So all this to say, I am extremely amused and pleased. Muwahah.

3. Really Fucking Cute People

I think this speaks for itself. I fucking love cute people. I want to put them in my pocket and take them everywhere I go. Yes.

4. People Who Hate People As Much As I Do

Also self-explanitory.

5. Ice Cream

Because everyone should like ice cream. Unless you're lactose-intolerant, in which case, I'm sorry. But if you aren't, then ICE CREAM FOR THE MASSES.

That's it for tonight. This post was brought to you by the positivity of ice cream and post-exam procrastination.

Stop Drop and Roll

In the same way that there are people you absolutely can't stand for absolutely no reason, there are people that you absolutely love, and you just can't explain why.

Even if you barely know the person. Even if you live in completely different worlds. There's just something about them that makes you think, "This is a person I'd like to get to know better." And when that person makes an effort to want to see you, want to talk to you, it means the world to you.

Because it's the small things in life that really count. For better or for worse. And when you're having an emotionally bad day, and one of those people wants to see you, out of the blue, it doesn't matter how much work you should be doing, you drop everything to see that person, and you just feel so much better, even if only for an instant.

Boys Boys Boys

There is no doubt countless cultural differences between Japan and the western world. In general, most of these difference can be understood and overcome. However, the one that I understand the least, is Japanese guys.

Yes, they are culturally different from guys from guys in the west. And not just in the obvious "they were born and raised in Japan, and think sort of differently" ways. But because they're really fucking vague.

In the west, you are taught that if I guy isn't interested in you, he won't go out of his way to see you, he'll be vague about everything, and these are just his nice ways of trying to reject you without having to actually reject you. So you shouldn't try to pursue these guys, because it won't end favourably for you.

But in Japan, it seems to be the opposite. Guys who are interested in you will be vague, because, like everything about Japanese society, being too direct can come off as rude. And, obviously if a guy does like you, the last thing he wants to do is be rude to you on a first date, right?

But that being said, of the two first dates I've been on since coming to Japan, I couldn't tell you if either of them were really dates at all. That's how vague everything is.

The first date was a few months ago. We went for yakiniku, and that was that. Even though we had a good time at the restaurant, there was no suggestion on his part to prolong the evening at all (we got out of the restaurant by 9 at the latest), but then he walked me home and that was that. I was convinced it had gone well. But when I saw him afterwards in group settings he was awkward, and even talking to him online got weird. And then we just eventually stopped talking and now he has a girlfriend. The fact that he has a girlfriend now isn't what upsets me though... but it's the fact that I have no idea who rejected who. Was I supposed to go after him after the first date and try to get him to go on another date? Did he get the wrong message when I didn't? Cause I was waiting for him....

Yesterday I went on another first date. I met this guy on Monday at some nomikai, and we got along super well. And the next day or so he sent me a text message asking me out to some concert. Long story short, and many text messages later, we decided to go to an izakaya just the two of us. To me, all these things say "date", right? And, again, no awkwardness at the restaurant at all, which was great. But at some point he started talking about this friend of his who he felt bad for because, at 19-years-old, he has yet to have a single girlfriend. And the reason why he originally wanted for me, him, and a bunch of both of our friends to go out was that he was looking for a girlfriend for his friend..... Now when I originally got the message from him saying that I should invite some friends out, I, and the friends I consulted, assumed that he was just too shy to ask me out just the two of us at first.... But was that really the reason for inviting me out? Then he started asking me what kinds of guys I liked... so he could find some to bring to our eventual goukon (kind of like a singles' party). Now, again, was this just sorta saving his own ass from being too direct? Or was he being serious? Pinky doesn't know.

So yeah, after the izakaya, he just walked with me to the train station and we went our separate ways. Again, I am left completely confused as to: A) whether or not that was a date, and B) whether or not it was a success.

So yeah, that's my story. When I first came to Japan, seeing almost no Japanese-guy-Foreigner-girl couples, I assumed that Japanese guys were too shallow to want to date foreigners. But that's not it at all. Foreign girls most likely don't understand how Japanese relationships work, and even if they do, they probably lose patience and get frustrated, and the relationship doesn't last very long. That's my theory. Because if first dates are this vague, I can't see how the rest of the relationship is any different.

For the Record...

I am not your personal shopper.

I am not your tour guide.

I am not google or wikipedia.

Figure shit out on your own, fuck.

Over and out.

Step One

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to piss me off.

But what always seems to piss you off the most is when someone tells you what you've already known for a while, but have been too in denial about to really accept it as a fact.

You're not good enough.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Other people have bigger problems.

You have to work harder.

If you don't do it yourself, no one will do it for you.

No one likes hearing these sorts of things. Because they're true, and you know they're true. And that's why you pretend they aren't.

That being said, I'm starting to really think that advice is worst received when you're completely lost and frustrated. Because more often than not it just gets you upset or more frustrated and lost.

But if that's the case, that just completely proves how alone we really are in the world, and how our lives are shaped by the decisions that we make for ourselves. And that is why we will forever be at step one.

Pinky ≠ Amazon.co.jp

How do you tell someone to kindly fuck off?

No, but really. This is twice now in the last few months that someone I barely know asks me if I can buy them X, Y or Z from Japan for them.

No. I don't do favours for people I barely know. I don't care if you like my statuses or comment on my photos. That doesn't mean we're friends.

Just because I live in Japan, does not mean I am anyone's personal shopping site. That's why amazon exists. And contrary to popular belief, Japan is not jam-packed with anime, manga, and other related fanstuff. Sure it exists, but it's not fucking everywhere and it's definitely not in the places I go to. Tokyo's fucking huge, with tons of districts and stores, and tons of places that I never go to because I have no interest in these things. So how the hell can you think this is even an acceptable request?

I honestly have no interest in going out of my way, spending time, energy, and money that I don't have to get you a fucking book you can get with the click of a button. And the more obscure your desired item is, the more obscure the store it will be in will be too. Thus, me getting lost and wasting a shit ton of time on you is a high probability.

If you're someone I talk to all the time, that's of course a different story. But that is not what we're talking about. At all.

Ugh. This kind of bullshit just really pisses me off.

What makes life interesting is that what you think you need, and what you actually need are often two very different things. And I think that that is one thing I've really come to understand over the last six months.

Everything in life is relative and one's own sense of morality is in a constant battle against one's ability to survive in the world. We live in land where friendship and love has a high turnover rate. The revolving door of people coming in and going out of one's life turns quickly and endlessly.

If nothing else, this life abroad has caused for way more self-reflection and putting-into-perspective than ever imagined.

I'm Afraid of Americans

I used to be a really big David Bowie fan, and although I don't listen to him very often anymore, every now and then I'm reminded of why he's so damn awesome. He wrote some good songs in his time. M'yes.

Am I afraid of Americans? I'm not sure what the right answer is.

A lot of people make the misconception of assuming that Canadians and Americans are very similar culturally and therefore are great friends, and love each other and are pretty much one and the same. But that's a huge lie. And I feel that, especially coming from Québec, my connection to America is very, well, weak.

I don't dislike Americans. I have some very good American friends. However, I cannot deal with close-mindedness, ignorance, or intense conversations about politics or money.

I don't expect my American friends to know too much about Canada, but at the same time, don't make ignorant assumptions about me or where I'm from. Don't insult my country, my province, or my city.

Today I had the unfortunate occasion of debating Canadian vs. American cultural differences with one of the new American students at my school. And I swear, this guy was pretty much pushing all of my buttons.

To make a long story short, allow me to sum up the contents of his half of the "conversation" in the next few lines:

America this. America that. Conservative this. Fiscal that. Money. Money. Money. Politics. Aderall. Lawsuits. Money. Liberals. Conservatives. Israel, Palestine, Muslims. Guns. Politics.

Mix all this some horrible misconceptions about Canada, Québec, and England, and a dab of hypocrisy, and bam, we have exactly what I had to deal with for about an hour or so of my time today. Clearly not what I signed up for when I decided to hang around in the student lounge this morning.

Needless to say, after he left to go to class, a couple of people had to ask me if I was okay. That's how irate my expression was upon his leaving. Man. He's almost exactly like this other annoying guy who just went back to the US. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this shit again this semester. Ugh.

When two potential love interests are nullified one day after the other, you can't help but feel a little disappointed.

Even if one you had long given up on, and the other you knew wasn't going to go anywhere in the first place.

Somehow disappointment is inevitable either way.

I feel like if I go back in September, that would be me giving up.

But some days I just want to give up.

I'm so lost.

Today's Thoughts

Today's been a thinking day. So time for some show and tell.

- I'm bad at living, but good at living vicariously through others.

I don't know how to explain it better than that. I don't do, I observe. I wonder what it's like. I imagine. I imagine wonderful things.

Reality is hard to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully enter into it. In some ways, it's sort of sad that I feel so disconnected and incapable of becoming a regular member of society. In other ways, I'm pretty happy with the way things are. Further reflection is required.

- Anyone who has time to lament the Stanley Cup results deserves a slap in the face

Not gonna lie, I'm still in mega-apathy mode.

I understand some people have a profound interest in sports. I also understand that I am not one of those people. However, ANYONE who talks about how TRAGIC it is that Vancouver lost to Boston deserves a slap in the face. There is nothing tragic about grown men playing a fucking game. Men who make millions of dollars to play a fucking game broadcast on TV. Had mid-game, the arena caught fire and everyone would have died, that would have been tragic. But this was not the case. If you want to see tragedy, pull open CNN.com or any similar news site and see all the people who are suffering in the world.

Just fuck off with your bullshit.

- I don't hate children, but...

I don't exactly like them either. I've realized that my feelings towards children and why they make me uneasy are extremely complex. Except when it comes to babies. I honestly do not think of them as cute in any way, shape or form. Ew.

But kids... kids are different. What I dislike about them is not that they're loud and annoying and run around without realizing the presence of other people. I dislike that they represent a kind of very short-lived innocence, and that in itself is extremely sad.

That's it. Kids make me really sad. Because you see them running around, smiling, and having fun. And not fully understanding the world around them. They don't know what they will become.

Adults are often categorized by society as being "good" or "bad" due to social norms imposed upon them. But every single adult evolved from its slightly smaller, younger self, the child. But how does someone who was so "cute" and "innocent" become someone like a murderer? a thief? an adulterer?

I'm sure if someone showed you a picture of Hitler as a child, you'd probably think he was cute too. How does someone so small become such an influential piece in world history?

When I see children, I don't see them as children. I see them as soldiers heading into the war we call The World. How many of them will end up with social or psychological problems? How many of them will take their own lives? How many of them will become the target of abuse? How many will become abusers themselves? How many of them will cheat on their spouse? How many of them will die of sickness? How many of them will become druggies, alcoholics, prostitutes?

This being said, when people post baby photos of themselves on Facebook, I am forced to think things like, "How did that small girl become such a big slut?" and other equally negative comments.

The horrible thing about children is that they grow up. Every child is literally a "Kinder Surprise" when you think about it (not literally chocolate, but literally the name of said chocolate). And they're figuratively like the chocolate as well. You buy a Kinder Surprise, not for the chocolate, but for the shitty toy you're going to get inside. Sometimes you end up with a so-so toy, but often your reaction is simply, "Seriously? This is the toy I get? Lame..." And then you eat the chocolate and are equally disappointed.

In the same way that every child one day realizes that their parents are human and make mistakes, in the same way that every child hates their parents at some point in their lives, I can't help but think that every parent at some point, looks at their child and thinks, "Seriously? Is this the child I got? Lame..."

So let's try and form a general conclusion, shall we?

Life is full of disappointments. Does that mean we should stop living? No. But does that mean we should look at the world somewhat differently? Maybe. At the very least, we should try and put what we're saying into perspective. Life is a lot bigger (and more complex) than we think.

Long blog posts are bad for sleep but good for soul...

Today was a sort of mixed day.

It started off not especially well and I feel like it's ending on a somewhat uneasy note as well. But the yuckiness sandwiches the fun afternoon I had. So it wasn't all bad.

This morning started off like every morning for the last few weeks. Which is to say, I slept in later than I should. I still get to school on time... but it's becoming more and more ギリギリ.

Because I got to school later than I usually do, I decided to skip my coffee, which is always a bad idea. So this being said, the first half of class was especially difficult to get through. So as I tried my best to pretend to be interested in what was going on in class through foggy, uncaffeinated eyes, my teacher started talking about how she isn't too happy with our class. I think it was meant to be some sort of "get your act together" pep talk, but it totally had the opposite effect on me. She said that most of us aren't improving, which kind of hurt.

Now, I don't think she was really directing this towards me. It was probably meant for the people who barely show up to class, who never hand in homework, who don't participate. But lately my grades have gone slightly down, I'm not getting enough sleep, I skip out on some of the homework and I have very little motivation.

And I don't feel like my Japanese is improving on a regular basis. So hearing my teacher tell the class that we aren't improving was not a good start to the day.

We break for recess, and I get my much needed coffee and meet up with a friend. Over the weekend, him and some other girl in his class apparently told the beautiful Korean guy that I've been pining over for months now about said pining. Oh well, whatever, I thought at first. But of course, this friend doesn't like to just leave things as is... He somehow always finds a way to make me feel like shit. So that being said, he continues the story. "He said he didn't really notice... cause he doesn't notice girls who don't confess [their feelings] to him. And that he doesn't really care for girls who can't confess to his face.... Oh, and btw, he doesn't like virgins. He likes girls with experience."

HUH? Since when is it okay to make assumptions about my sexual history? Do we want to go there? Really?

But then it got me to thinking, are all guys of a certain age like this? Did I miss the "let's get a ton of sexual experience" boat? Fuck, finding a boyfriend really is like finding a job, no? No one wants to hire someone without experience. Though, no one really wants to hire someone who's overqualified either, right...?

So between the "you're not good enough at Japanese" quasi-pep talk, and the "your lame and are clearly not qualified to date SJ" reminder, I was in a wonderful mood during class today...

The afternoon turned out to be surprisingly fun though. A girl from my class was going the same way as me as I was leaving, so we metro'ed together to Ikebukuro, went to the candy shop she wanted to, then went to a cafe to study. In reality, I got very little school work done. But I had a really good time hanging out with her, and got to speak Japanese pretty much the whole time too.

What I like about this girl is that she's sort of like me, in the sense that, there aren't many people of her nationality in school. She's Malaysian, but is often grouped together with the Chinese students, because she speaks Chinese too. Her Japanese isn't perfect, but she has a large vocabulary, and is super friendly.

What is difficult about talking to the Koreans in my class (i.e. the majority of my classmates) is that they're all multiple times better than me at Japanese, so not only do I feel embarrassed by the quality of my own Japanese, but I honestly can't understand them half the time (due to said higher quality language abilities). This girl is definitely better than me at Japanese, but she makes mistakes too, and that's somewhat comforting. And she speaks English too, so when I need to use an English word or expression, it works out. I hope I get to hang out with her more in the coming semester :)

What made tonight somewhat yucky was trying to write my speech for Wednesday's class. I have to talk about some sort of social news thing of my choice, and I was going to do it on PTSD in post-earthquake Japan... but not only can I not find any real concrete facts (if they even exist) about the number of people that have been effected by the 3/11 quake, but just reading the info sort of makes me feel uneasy. Because it really is PTSD that I'm going through.

Reading through the symptoms makes me wonder if my whole lack of motivation is somewhat related to that. Or am I just blaming too many things on one single event? It's really hard to tell, and just thinking about it makes me somewhat uneasy.

I wish everything in life were clear sometimes. Can't I just pee on a stick and it can turn one colour for PTSD and another colour for "it's just you"?

Best Friend, Best Friend, 大切な人

It's amazing how many times I've watched this video in the last few days. To be honest, I sort of found it by accident while trying to find another version of the song. Despite its being 10 minutes long, I decided to watch it anyways, and I can't seem to stop watching it.

It's not that the song is that amazing. Lyrically, it's pretty simple, and would never fly as an English-language pop song. But that's the joy of JPOP... it's not really trying to be English Pop. And that's OK.

But that's besides the point.

For the first 6 minutes or so, you listen to the members of SMAP talk about how that night was the last night of their tour, and how the year before was tough because one of their members had to leave the band for a while.

After all five members say their little spiel, the song starts. And this is where my love for SMAP multiplies tenfold. Nakai can't even get through the first line without starting to cry. If you listen to the song, you'll notice that every sing one of them either sings like they're holding back tears, or has to stop singing at some point. According to someone in the video's comments, all the people behind the stage were crying as well. Fuck, if I were there, I'd probably cry too.

I've watched so many SMAP videos over the last few months, and this is not the first time I see them get emotional in public. But the fact that every single member gets affected in this particular video is sort of adorable. You just want to give them all a hug!

OH YOU PRETTY, GROWN MEN! HOW YOU WARM LITTLE PINKY'S COLD HEART!

今日、ナンパされた

So I got nanpa'ed today. Pretty hardcore. It was not pleasant.

I often joke with my friends that I want pretty boys to nanpa me. But the version of 'nanpa' that exists in my head involves really hot ikemen, and lack of sketchy-ness. Of course, that's fantasy nanpa.

Real nanpa isn't so fun.

I had been nanpa'ed once in Ikebukuro station, but I was with a friend, so eventually when it started to get sketch, she grabbed my arm and we walked quickly towards our exit. But the guy totally didn't get the hint that I wasn't interested by me walking off. Or, he just chose to disregard that, which is the more likely scenario. He simply kept walking at my pace. Assertive little guy, he was.

But today's scene was different. I was hanging around one of the main exits of Shinjuku station, waiting for a friend. I was pretty early so I just stood against one of the pillars reading one of my JLPT N2 prep grammar books, minding my own business. When BAM some guy who looks like he's in his mid-to-late thirties comes up to me and asks me if I speak Japanese. Now I know that in this situation, the wise thing to do is play the dumb foreigner and say "no," but I really hate that idea, so I said "yes." Though, to be fair, there was no way for me to say "no" anyway... the book I was reading was entirely in Japanese, and he asked me in English... so for all I know, he could speak English too, which would have yielded the same end-result. At least this way I got to practice my Japanese, right?

But that's besides the point. Nanpa is pretty serious sketchy business. He kept asking me for my phone mail address (which is pretty much the Japanese way of texting), or for us to go for a drink, which the answer was 'no' every time. But he wouldn't leave me alone. I tell him I have a boyfriend. I tell him I'm going back to Canada in July. I tell him I'm meeting up with my friend soon. The fact that A and B are a lie mean nothing to him. He keeps asking if we can go grab a drink while I wait for my friend. I decline over and over. The whole thing went on for a good 10-15 min, if not longer. And I was almost pinned against the pole, that's how close he was to me. I kept looking at the station guard with 'please-help-me' eyes, but that did absolutely nothing. Finally, my friend showed up and we ran away from him, because if not he was going to ask my friend if he could come out with us, which I obviously did not want.

Now, Japan is a pretty safe place and all, and had I not been waiting for a friend, I would have simply walked off, and in theory I would have been alright... But when you think about it, nanpa is only a step away from forced-consented rape. When someone asks you over and over again, eventually you'll say yes just to get yourself out of the situation, no? But in this case getting yourself out of one situation simply leads to another even worse situation. This guy was pretty aggressive... and I'm sure they get even worse.

And from what I noticed today, no one around you tries to help out. Okay, the station guard was far enough away to not be able to hear what we were talking about. But there were people all around us (keep in mind, this is Shinjuku station, the busiest train station in the world), and we were speaking in Japanese, so I'm sure that people were listening...

What is it that causes others to not intervene? Is it apathy? Is it the curiosity to see what naturally comes next? Could they possibly think that I already knew this guy and that I was in a safe environment? I'd like to think that if it got really bad and I were to scream or something, someone should theoretically come to my aid.

Actually talking about strangers helping strangers in Japanese train stations, a few weeks ago, I saw an old man collapse in Shinjuku-Sanchome Station. At first I thought he had just slipped (the floor was wet due to rain), but he stayed down for a while. My next assumption was that he was having a seizure. He was twitching, but not convulsing. Realistically, he probably had a stroke or heart attack. I didn't stick around to see if survived the whole thing, realistically there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him, but strangers did call station people over to do what they could.

So how can I conclude these experiences? Some public events call for outside help. Others do not. Unfortunately, the one in need of said help is not the one to judge if help is received.

Kimutaku Videos for Mental Health

I've been really out of it lately, so here's some fun Kimutaku solo songs that make me happy. And they should make you happy too.

And of course, best for last:

SMAP for the PEOPLE

I know it's completely anti-setsuden and perhaps selfish of me to think this way, but I'm really happy that they've started turning on the giant Softbank CM TV in Shinjuku again.

It felt wonderful to walk out of Citibank today to "The Locomotion", knowing that on that screen many feet above me, my hubby and friends were promoting new phones.

It's been almost three months, but Japan is starting to go back to normal. Setsuden is still being promoted and practiced in a lot of places, but little by little, all the lights are coming back, and it's wonderful.

I think I may have underestimated my own post-earthquake depression as well. I really wasn't well for a long time, both physically and psychologically. I'm still not 100% back to normal. My body still shakes a lot, and I still feel somewhat uneasy about riding elevators or being underground. But I'm getting better.

What happened on March 11 wasn't just an earthquake and a tsunami. It wasn't just the beginning of what would be weeks of nuclear fears and months of earthquakes. Thousands of them. It was tens of thousands of people dying a few hours' drive from where I'm sitting right now. It was the disappearance of my own friends and acquaintances, as they went back home almost overnight. It was the emptying of my dorm complex. It was Shinjuku and Shibuya in the dark. It was people trying to tear me apart from the city I love.

The earthquake was not just something that happened on March 11th. It's still alive and well here. You can't go into a combini without seeing magazines with photos of earthquake and tsunami destruction. You can't go into a bookstore without passing a huge section of books about earthquake safety and nuclear energy. You can't go to a coffee shop without hearing people utter the words "earthquake" or "nuclear." You can't meet someone new without being asked "Where were you during the earthquake? Weren't you scared? Didn't you want to go home?"

And you can't let it stop you from living.

There's something horrible about telling your friends about your different social networking sites.

The places you once used to harbour your rawest thoughts and ideas must consequently become censored to avoid conflict, misunderstandings, and other fun stuff of the like.

I know that every one of us is flawed and I am no exception to this. But I can't help feeling deceived anyways.

It's disgusting how self-centered we all are.

If I were a university website....

If I were a university website, the very first thing on my site would be my application deadline dates.

Because if I were a university website, I'd want people to be able to apply to my school properly and on time so I can have business.

Then, right under that, I'd write all the required documentations and certificates and all that kind of fun stuff so that potential applicants would know what criteria they needed to fulfill before entering my institution.

I wouldn't hide all the really important things in random corners of my website so that only the really dedicated would find it.

Yup, that's what I'd do if I were a university website.

More 悩むこと

Hang out with grad students, want to become a grad student.

Hang out with English teachers, want to become an English teacher.

This is why I find it difficult to ask others for advice. Providing they like what they're doing, people will often promote their field of expertise to those seeking answers. And if you're like me, which is to say, without her own goal, then you eat up these words and everything just sounds like doable good ideas.

There's no right or wrong answer. But I need to find the best answer for me.

Back to square one, it seems.

悩むこと

If I had to describe things these days, I think they only word that could really sum up my emotions is "ugh."

It's not that there's anything wrong right now. It's just... deciding one's future is complicated and stressful. And school hasn't been especially easy these days either.

I've been contemplating all kinds of plans for September, and although all of them seem OK, I can't seem to find the one that fits the best.

I've been seriously contemplating grad school lately and so far I feel like it fits the best... but it's not a perfect fit. And I'm way too late to apply for September/October.... which means potentially waiting around till April if I want to study in Japan, or until the following September if I want to study in Canada.

It's not that I'm in any real rush... but as much as I don't want to face the real world, the idea of waiting around for life to start isn't especially appealing either.

I've been meeting with a grad student at the university near my place, and she's been encouraging me to apply as a research student to fill the gap between September and April... but in order to apply I need to get my shit together ASAP. If I knew 100% that grad school was my calling then I wouldn't be so hesitant... but part of me is just tired of school and wants to find a job and make money....

What do.

Simple Pleasures 2

There are many things that I wish I could change about my life, but there are very few things that I regret.

That being said, quitting the piano is very possibly my biggest life regret up until now.

Although I'm not the biggest classical music fan, there's something altogether entrancing about the sound of the piano. Though perhaps it's just me.

No one knows this, but that's one of the reasons I love studying at the Caffe Veloce near my place. Each Veloce has a somewhat different soundtrack that plays, but the one closest to where I live plays this wonderful piano music. I never wear headphones when I study there... I'm just so happy to be listening to what they have to offer.

So as I study dreadful Japanese grammar in my tiny dorm room, I drown out the yelling children that surround the maze of apartment complexes with calming music from Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain and am at peace.

Good Feeling, won't you stay with me...

I hate having bad feelings that you just can't shake.

And when you're as self-destructive as I am, you just keep trying to find problems in something that might have gone well.

Hmm.

The yucky rain outside probably doesn't help.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up...

...I'm a Toys 'R' Us Kid.....

or something like that.

No, but seriously, when did everyone grow up?

Lately when doing the usual rounds of facebook stalking old high school peers, I've noticed that everyone looks... well... grown up. And it's just sort of weird.

People are graduating university, going to grad school, doing internships, getting real jobs, moving in with boyfriends, getting married.... And yet I sort of feel like I'm in a completely different world.

In some ways, I almost am, too. Living halfway around the world is hard to imagine. Not because it's so alien and foreign, but for the exact opposite reason: it's the same. Sure, things are different, but not enough for me to really realize how far away I live from everything I've ever known. Every now and then I have the horrifying realization that I live in Asia. I don't mean 'horrifying' in a bad way though. But 'horrifying' in a I-can't-believe-I'm-literally-on-the-opposite-side-of-the-world way. Maybe it's because no matter where you are, you're always with yourself, so you can't really feel the distance. Or maybe it's just me.

What I've come to learn about life is that people live different kinds of lives, and there's no real right or wrong way to go about it. I obviously sometimes feel jealous of the girls I went to high school with who look their age and seem like they're carelessly enjoying their twenties, when here I am, conflicted over what the next step should be for me in the great game of life. But at the same time, I'm sort of happy that my life is so different from theirs. It's a sort of source of pride, I guess you could say.

So perhaps I don't look like I'm twenty-three. But so what. I'll look hot at fifty.

I'm My Own Best Friend!

Maybe I'm better off alone.

Hear me out before you judge this.

I met a guy I really liked and found out through mega creepage that he liked me back. I didn't see him for a week, and when we did see each other it was sorta awkward. And I felt like shit afterwards. And I've pondered and pondered and pondered about how I felt towards him since. And I'm still pondering. And now I really just don't know.

I felt very alone today. But in a good way. In a it's-alright-to-be-alone way.

When talking with a new friend today I feel like I was better able to sum up these feelings.

I'm extremely lost in life right now. I don't know what I want in any part of my life. I don't know what to do with my future. I don't know what to do with my present. I don't know how to deal with my past. And I don't know if I want to drag someone along for the ride.

This isn't one of those self-torturing-let-me-live-my-life-alone-and-cry-in-a-corner-forever things. It's a let-me-try-to-prioritize-my-life thing.

Having people in your life is both negative and positive. In some ways, it makes you feel more complete, it allows you to have meaningful conversations, be comforted when problems arise. But in other ways it can be negative: people pushing you in the wrong direction, getting advice at the wrong time, feeling the need to censor yourself, becoming dependent.

I'm not going to rule out relationships, or said guy in question. But I also need to think about myself right now and I don't know if I can afford high-commitment distractions.

So, as one of the co-ordinators at my school told me, as I gave her my current life story in a nutshell yesterday: "Well, you've always got Kimutaku, right?" Right. Kimutaku has helped me thus far along my journey in the East. And as I continue to ride on the wings of my imaginary celebrity marriage, I am strangely satisfied.

I can't believe it's already midterm time! The semester is going by so fast!

It's amazing how much material we cover in only a few weeks! And it's even more amazing that I believe I can cover all of said material in a day... But that's besides the point.

I got a package from home today, which is always exciting~! It was jam-packed with microwave popcorn and other edible goodies :) I really like getting mail~! Though I'm not gonna lie, it does make me slightly homesick. But only slightly.

It's hard to say where my "home" is these days. I really like it here. And I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that in a few short months, I'm to go back to Montreal.

The future is really starting to stress me out. On one hand, I never want to leave Japan. On the other hand, to be able to live and work here, I pretty much legally have to leave to acquire visas and other bureaucratic legal stuff. But what kind of job do I even want to do? Can't I just marry Kimura Takuya already and just live off his fame and fortune? (And of course be extremely happy being married to one of the most famous men in Japan...?)

In order to avoid a semi-emo rant about life and its stresses and worries and uncertainties, I'm just going to leave it at that. I assure you that the little wheels in my head are turning and turning and on their way to establishing some sort of plan. Let's just hope it's a good one!

Simple Pleasures

When you're a foreigner living in Japan, the three questions you are probably most asked are: Where are you from?, How long have you been in Japan? and Why do you study Japanese/like Japan?

Now, the first two questions are answered easily enough. I'm from Canada. I've been here four months. but the third question is always a tough one to answer.

Why do I like Japan? Why do I study Japanese?

Sometimes I wish there was a simple answer to this, just so I don't have to go into petty details and life stories.

Well, boys and girls, this book here (and books like it) is the reason I study Japanese.

It's called 振仮名の歴史, or The History of Furigana. A professor back at McGill lent me this book back in University while I was writing a paper on stuff like this. Unfortunately my Japanese was not at a high enough level to make enough sense out of this book, so I couldn't really use it for anything. Well, today while poking around a bookstore I had never been to, I accidentally stumbled upon it, and after reading (and understand!) parts of the forward, I said 'what the hell', and bought it. Then I sat in the cafe right next to the bookstore and just drank tea and read. Happiness.

I love this kind of stuff. Most people, Japanese or foreign, probably don't give a shit about furigana, or think twice about where it comes from or why it's used. But it's one of the coolest things ever when you think about it. Depending on how much I get out of this comprehension-wise, I might try to see if I can start reading Nihonjinron books. That's another thing I find fascinating. Aah knowledge :3

Coincidentally, I met up with the aforementioned professor last week. He's currently teaching at the university right next to my place. I love how small the world is sometimes :)

Unilingualism is Boring

Living in a foreign country where the language of majority is a world away from my mother tongue, I am forced to think about the importance of language on a daily basis.

Language has always fascinated me, and it has always been one of my biggest interests. But the relationship I have had with language is somewhat of a love-hate one, because as much as I love learning things about language and learning new languages, it's not something I'm particularly good at, and it takes me longer than most people to achieve any sort of proficiency. But that's not what this post is about.

When living in Montreal, the language of the majority was, once again, not my mother tongue. So although I would speak English with my friends and family, listen to English music, watch English TV, and be an all-round English person, the world outside my front door was conducted in a different language altogether. And because of this, I believe my sense of language is a little warped.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, though.

A few months ago, a French friend and I were walking around Tokyo and talking about the annoyances of being automatically assumed as English-speaking Americans just because we're white. According to her, such assumptions are upsetting because she's not supposed to speak English, because she's not even from an English-speaking country. I, on the other hand, am supposed to be a bilingual individual.

The more I think about it, the more she really has a point in what she was saying.

Growing up in Montreal, I have become dependant on two languages. I am significantly more dependant on my mother tongue, however, I am incapable of limiting my thoughts and emotions to one language. There are some things I can only say in French, and others which I can only say in English.

But these last few months, because I have almost no French-speaking friends, I have had to think more in English than ever before, which is sort of weird.

At the same time, much like things were not in English back home, because of my constant exposure to Japanese everywhere I go, I'm having a lot of trouble expressing myself in English these days. I watch TV in Japanese. I listen to Japanese music. All the signs around me are in Japanese. People speaking in the street are speaking Japanese. Although the output is still mainly English, the input is almost exclusively Japanese. Due to the lack of exposure, English words are no longer readily-available to me, and my brain thinks in Japanese sentence structure. With my friends here, I jokingly speak Japlish and get my message across quite well, but when it comes to speaking to friends and family back home, all of a sudden I feel somewhat distressed.

I remember back in my Language Acquisition class back in university learning about kids who could hear, but had two deaf parents. Even if they left the TV on all day, that would never be enough exposure to a language to make it the child's mother tongue or for the child to really acquire it. This being said, I feel like that's what's happened to me all my life. I was never exposed to enough English for me to be able to rely on it 100% to express myself. There has always been another language in my life to provide a supplementary list of vocabulary.

I wonder if it's possible for someone who has been exposed to multiple languages since childhood to fully rely on one language. I feel like my English is not 100% as natural as the English that my friends speak and there are a lot of commonly used English words and expressions that I honestly do not understand. But because of my abilities to use other languages, I believe that I haven't quite missed out. Because if you combine all the words I know in all my languages, I must have enough to make up one complete language, right? Who says my way of speaking has to be comprehensible by others?

Good Morning, Tokyo

I live near three private boys' schools and a university, so I get to witness the evolution of boy to man every morning when I walk to the train station. It's wonderful. And by the time I hit the station, I enter the endless sea of salarymen... and if I'm lucky, I'll encounter a host or two... Oh, I love you, Tokyo~!

It'll be even more wonderful once the university starts up it's classes again. The guys who go to that school are particularly good-looking.... or at least the ones I've seen so far :3

Talking about boys and school, every morning I see a man walking his son to the elementary school near my place. The kid must be a new student, because he has a little yellow paper pinned to his hat. It's also pretty rare to see little boys accompanied by a parent on their way to school. Even though some of them are as young as 5 or so, most of them go to school on their own, and on the off chance they're with a parent, it's almost always the mother who goes with them. Either way, I think I had seen them last week too, but since Monday, whenever I pass them, they say "Good Morning" to me, in English.

The first time the father greeted me, I was completely caught off-guard. Usually the only strangers that greet me in English are sketchy people, so I have a tendency of just walking right by them without second thought. I sorta hesitantly kept walking, turned around, and just said "Good Morning" back, which seemed to excite the little boy.

The last couple of days, both the boy and his father have given me a "Good Morning" greeting. The boy seems so happy saying it, it's really cute. And that's coming from someone who dislikes kids. Does this mean I have a heart after all? lol

I like little things like that though. Small actions that yield happy results. Everyone is always so caught up in future plans and bigger pictures that we often forget the tiny things in life that make us smile. But right now is the time to smile and find these things, or else we won't have the strength for whatever's on tomorrow's menu.

Talking about smiles and small things, yesterday I really needed a pick-me-up, and this song made all the difference :) So listen and be happy ^^

Bi-Weekly Update

I wish all the inner monologues I have would just magically write themselves into blog entries so that they wouldn't lose their momentum by the time I sit in front of my computer and attempt to write things.

Oh well. Such is life, right? A series of things you want to say, but don't know how. You spend your whole life trying to express yourself, no? And life is the result of how well you manage to convey whatever message you were meant to convey. Or something.

I've been thinking about what life is all about a lot lately. Not in some religious context or anything, but just how lives work, how they don't, and that sort of stuff. I feel like my brain is in hyper-must-find-meaning mode these days. That's not necessarily a bad thing though.

To help me pretend that there's some flow to this entry, let me sum up my latest thoughts in a cute little list.

1. Love is weird. All kinds of love is warped, and twisted, and so much more complicated and disturbing than you'd ever think.

2. People with narrow worldviews should not leave their countries of origin unless they are willing to learn to adapt. If you aren't living in your own country, don't complain about how things are in said country you're living in. Unless of course you've been kidnapped and brought to said country against your will. But that's not usually the case for international students.

3. Americans in my school who obsess about Korean stuff piss me off. I have nothing against Korean stuff, but why are you going on and on about how cool Korean language/music/dramas/whatever are if you've chosen to study IN JAPAN??? And they go on about how much better all that stuff is than what you find in Japan... Why didn't you fucking go to Korea?

4. How can you live on your own for so long and be so fucking dependant on other people?? GROW THE FUCK UP JEEZ!

5. GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. SO IS WIKIPEDIA! ARRGH! Don't ask me what something is if it's in your abilities to look it up on your own. I'm not talking about complicated difficult-to-understand shit here. I mean, if you're messaging me on msn/fb/whatever asking me what something is, change the fucking window, open up google, and type your fucking question.

6. If you don't have either tact or common sense, please don't talk to me. We will never get along, and your presence in my life will only cause me anger.

7. Butter-flavored caramel is about a hundred times yummier than you'd think.

8. I love Asian men for so many reasons. Not yellow-fever-bullshit reasons. But because they have style, and don't worry about "coming off as gay" by liking certain things. Fuck, there are so many hot, manly men over here that carry purses, have perfect hair, and wear pink, it's amazing. Today in class, this big manly guy told us about how he once knit himself gloves. I've seen guys in my class feed each other Pocky. Another guy in my class sometimes has heeled shoes. It's wonderful. *happy sigh*

9. You should always be 100% aware of what you're saying and where you're saying it. Everyone has their slip-ups, including myself, but the more aware you are, the less of an asshole you come off as being. Also be careful of words or expressions with double-meanings. The smallest thing will instantly make you sound and feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

10. I think I need to lay off of Matcha-flavored stuff for a bit. I've kinda gone a bit crazy with it over the last few weeks.... I feel like if I don't give myself a break, I might OD then not wanna eat it for a while, which would be tragic.... But I'm not willing to give up my 2L bottle of green tea in my fridge. No, no. XD

That's it for Pinky-transmission right now. Gotta go set up shop in the common room so I can watch my weekly dose of SMAP TV (幸せになろうよ, followed by SMAP x SMAP). See ya~!