How does this make me feel? Well, although I'm not too happy with the content being sorta unhappy and emo-esque, I am quite proud of the fact that I haven't lost interest in it yet, so yay~! :)
Today, I went to Cupcake Camp! I was looking forward to it so much, but yesterday I got this really crappy migraine, and I just knew it would carry over to today (which it totally did), which sorta sucked. So because of this, I couldn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped, but it was still a lot of fun. ^^ It was nice hanging out with people I don't usually see (like Akane-san~! <3)>
One day, I'd like to take up baking and cupcake-making, to be able to make super awesome cupcakes like these~! When I eventually move out into my own apartment, the first thing I'll buy is a cute cupcake book and start exploring my cupcake-making abilities. Until then, I will continue to dream (and eat other people's cupcakes XD).
The whole event was a fundraiser for the Kids Help Phone, and I'm sure that, with the crazy amounts of people who showed up to the event, they were able to raise a lot of money! They even had cupcake competitions!
This one was just too cute! I think it was part of the kids' competition. I thought it was brilliant XD.
I've mentioned Blonde Redhead a couple of times now, so I feel it's only fair to give them their own blog entry.
Who are Blonde Redhead?
I discovered them over a year ago, and knew very little about them for the first few months of me listening to them. Even now, I can't say that I know too much about them, so I won't really talk about them as a band: there's no way I could do them justice anyway.
Though what I do find kind of cool is that the band is made up of Japanese girl, and two Italian twin brothers, who grew up here in Montreal, and who all met while living in New York. I feel a weird connection to the band's history. Both my parents are Italian, I've lived my whole life in Montreal, and Japan makes up a good part of my personal interests. Furthermore, when I was young, we used to go to New York City almost every summer. I like making connections like this, it makes me feel closer to the object at hand. Maybe that's why I feel like their music is so representative of me: They are made up of the same elements as myself.
Penny Sparkle
Penny Sparkle is their latest album, which came out a couple of months ago. The first time I heard the album, I thought it was good, but not their best album, perhaps because of how highly I hold 23, which is pretty much one of the best albums ever. However, the more I listen to it, the more I love every bit of it.
The album as a whole is very wispy-sounding. It's really good night-time-going-home music actually. It isn't aggressive at all - it's mellow and really easy to get into.
The story of this album is that of heartbreak and travel. I guess that's another connection I have to this album. My life is forever changing, and as I try to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the big move, I hear lyrics like "I leave next weekend, I'm not ready to go" and wonder, will that be me in a few weeks?
What I find interesting is that, like their other albums, their lyrics are often very hard to make out and you spend a long time mis-hearing the songs. Maybe that's because none of them have English as a first language. But I don't think this is a negative aspect at all: if anything, it makes them much more mysterious. On top of that, finding the lyrics to this album is nearly impossible too. But that's part of the fun, at least in my opinion.
My favourite song is, without a doubt, "Love or Prison." First of all, the title itself is phenomenal. Then there's this weird opening-door sound effect that pops up on numerous occasions during the song, that is just perfect (which is why I refuse to listen Kastellet Mix version included at the end of the album… they took away the door sound!!). I guess, lyrically, it's nothing too exciting, but I think the sound of the song speaks for itself. Here, listen to it and tell me what you think:
I hate rain. It just makes me super uggy feeling. It zaps all the energy I have and turns it into blah. And seeing as I've been in a general 'blah' mood for a while now, rain just makes it more blah-y.
I also hate when people don't respond to things.
I hate when I know you've seen what I've invited you to, but that you've just chosen to ignore it. If you don't want to come to something, tell me. It upsets me far less than this kind of crap.
I guess it all goes back to the fact that I try too hard with certain people who obviously don't care enough about me.
I can't deal with lying anymore. Don't tell me shit out of politeness and not follow through with what you've said. If I see you as an important person to me, I'll cling to every word, and ultimately get hurt bigtime by your dishonesty. I'm not saying you should be rude to me just for me to get the point, but don't make yourself out to seem more available to me than you actually are. Moral of the story: Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I know a lot of my blog entries have been sorta complainy and negative, but what can I say? That's what I do best, I guess. I don't think I was born a negative person. I think years of disappointment in people has made me this way. So if you want happy Pinky blog entries, feed her happy things. Like cupcakes. :D
When you stand out, strangers have a tendency to talk to you.
Today, while I was waiting for the metro, some guy started talking to me, telling me that he had never seen tights like mine. I was wearing plaid tights, which I guess are some sort of rarity here in Montreal.
"You must be a student, right? Because, you couldn't wear those in an office."
I'm used to weird comments, so this one wasn't too out of the ordinary. The guy kept talking about all kinds of stuff, but to be honest, with my iPod-ruined ears, his low voice, and the fact that we were on a moving metro, I didn't really understand half the things he was saying. But what he did say, on his way out, was that I should never give up on my dreams.
I feel like his opening and parting words were very contradictory. How do you first tell me that the way I dress is not work-friendly, but that I should never give up on my life goals? Well, one of my goals in life is to not have to change myself for others. How does that work then?
Is it only okay to be yourself when you are someone who can easily become a member of society? Or is he actually encouraging me to break through boundaries and wear plaid tights to an office job? Or is he just some weirdo taking the metro, talking to me because I am a fellow weirdo?
They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes, I think it just makes things worse.
The more time passes, the more you are able to properly grasp a situation. The more you understand what was truth and what was a lie. "I feel like we're better off as friends" at first sounds like a nice way of breaking up, but as time goes on, you play out the whole relationship in your head, and realize that it just means "I can't deal with your problems."
It's not that I'm not over my last boyfriend, it's more like I'm not over the reason behind the break-up. Does that make sense? Perhaps I'm just bitter because I was left at the time I needed him the most, and all that did was pronounce the gravity of my problems in my life.
There is no way of not taking rejection personally, because at the end of the day, someone does not want to be with you because of who you are. "It's not you, it's me", after careful thought and consideration is really just "it's not me, it's you" in disguise. People don't often change: they date the same kind of people, look for the same kinds of things, etc. If it was really a "it's not you, it's me" situation, than the "me" would be going through some major soul searching/changes/whatever, and probably start looking for other things in life. But I guess that still makes the "you" not good enough anymore.
The thing is, if you tell the truth, you come off as an asshole. If you lie, you're still seen as an asshole, it just takes the other person a little longer to realize this. So what sort of conclusion can we make? That it's time to reread "He's Just Not That Into You" and rewatch "500 Days of Summer."
After much debate, I decided to go with a 35 mm Diana Mini camera. The Diana model is a plastic, toy camera, originally created to make crappy pictures. I'm quite excited, actually. I've loaded it with expired film, so the end result of whatever I'm shooting should be interesting. ^^
I had originally wanted a 120 camera (either Holga or Diana) but decided against it, due to the fact that it would be quite a bit more expensive, and more difficult, to develop. If I really do enjoy this camera, I can always buy a 120 later and experiment further.
So, without further ado, here is my new baby, conceived by an idea and a Visa card:
I've always been afraid of disappointing people. I was taught at a young age to work hard and follow certain rules in order to be a good child, and later, a good person.
I guess for that reason, I have very high hopes of others. I assume that others will want to work hard to obtain a friendship with me, and follow the same rules that my parents taught me as a child. So, good friends should not be mean, or use me for their own needs. They should want to talk to me, hang out with me, be honest with me. Boys should pay on dates. They should hold the door for you. They should let you get on a bus first.
I've never had a good boyfriend by my parents' standards. Not that they've ever met any of the boys I've dated, but if they would have, they would have been disappointed with them. And as I look back on the few relationships I've had, I'm pretty disappointed with them too. They've all been cheap and lazy, with no direction in life. They've tried to change who I am to make me more like normal girls, and when they realize I can't conform to normal standards, they get rid of me. Or at least that's how my last two relationships have gone.
I guess I should see it this way: If I am afraid to bring a guy home to my parents, for fear of disappointing them, I shouldn't be dating him, period.
Although I have had few boyfriends, I've had many friends in my life, and most of these friendships have been pretty disappointing too. I've always had good grades, and many of my friendships have revolved around my classmates contacting me for academic purposes. Then, once the school year, or semester is over, I barely ever hear from them. Furthermore, I seem to be the friend that introduces friends, then gets left behind while said friends become BFFs. I'm also the friend that organizes stuff: if I don't organize something, it doesn't happen. Or people just hang out without me.
I'm not too sure where I'm getting at with this. I guess my conclusion is that people disappoint me time and time again, and that is why I am becoming more and more picky about who I want to keep as friends. And perhaps because my life has been punctuated with such social disappointments, I assume the worst as much as I can in order to keep myself from further disappointment. Hell, that's why I feel so skeptical about this whole Japan thing working out: will this just be one more disappointment, or will it turn out great?
Coming home to a clean room is like being violated. Being robbed. Someone has gone through your things without your consent. Things have been moved, others vanished, others hidden, out of site.
I want to scream so loudly that they would hear me next door.
I feel so upset. I feel frustrated. I feel disgusted.
At my work, I have the opportunity to interact with parents and children on a daily basis.
As I grow older, I notice more and more things about the way parents raise their children. Parents are very self-conscious when it comes to their children. Each child is "advanced for their age," because no one wants to say that their kid is average. They push their children to whiz through the different steps of development in order to become the best they can be.
In the same way that no one wants their child to be average, no one wants their child to be abnormal. Because of this, many parents push their children into specific boxes: 'boy', 'girl', 'you're too old for this', etc. I don't know how many times I've suggested building toys to a customer for their daughter/granddaughter/niece, and the answer is not that the child doesn't like to build, but that the child is a girl. Or that they wouldn't buy their daughter a toy car or a train set, simply because she isn't a boy. Likewise, parents are irked beyond belief when their son wants a princess castle. They tell their son that what he wants is "for girls" and that he should prefer a knight's castle, or a pirate boat, or something equally masculine.
I always become so sad after hearing these kinds of exchanges between parents and children. What's so wrong about a child playing with a certain toy? Why do we have to teach them at such a young age that what they prefer is wrong? We're not talking about telling children to share, or not to fight, or things like that, or that what they want is out of their price range. Teaching children how to behave and how to know what is and isn't right is important. However, we're telling a boy it's wrong to play with a doll, and a girl that it's wrong to play with cars, and that's just silly. Haven't we moved passed these notions as a society?
What happens if your child turns out to be gay? Then what? It won't have been the result of your child playing with the 'wrong' gender toys, that's for sure. If you've taught your child his or her whole life that their preferences in life are wrong, how will they approach you and confide in you as a trust-worthy person? Once again, this might just be me and overthinking things as I always do, but I believe that this stuff is all connected. Children grow older and one day realize that their parents are not perfect, and that not everything that their parents have taught them is right. Depending on their upbringing, however, their relationship with their parents will either stay strong, or fall apart.
I most definitely blame my parents for my deepest problems and because my problems stem from things that we never talked about openly as a family, at 22 I still feel it impossible to tell them about these problems. However, I do consider myself to be lucky in my upbringing: My parents never tried to make me normal, I was pushed to work hard and become a good person, and am equally grateful.
Being a parent is no doubt a huge responsibility, and I'm not saying that people who teach their children such things are bad people. Kids don't come with a parenting manual. People are all just trying their best to prepare their kids for the world. But let your kids make some decisions sometimes. They'll thank you in the long run.
One of my biggest fears is that I scare people away with my clinginess.
Whether it's with friends or guys that I like, I become very clingy. You come online, I want to send you an IM. I see you in class, I want to talk to you. I run into you, I want to hang out. If I see you as very important to me, I want to have a lot of contact with you. And I'm scared that pushes people away. Because I don't have a personal bubble, I find it difficult to comprehend others' need for personal space.
Part of me feels that I'm a very dependant person because of this. I like one-on-one meet-ups instead of group things because I get all of your attention. In groups I always feel ignored. Perhaps it's because I've always felt like a big freak, so I feel like I can't interact in a group, no matter how close I am to the people in said group. It's weird, but it's just the way I work. I've always been the friend that introduces two friends and then gets left behind, so maybe that's why I feel this way. Or maybe I'm overthinking things again, as per my usual.
Another part of me just thinks that I hate silence. With the exception of when I'm studying or trying to get actual work done, I absolutely hate silence. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I worry that something is wrong. I sense tension, even if there isn't any. I get paranoid. So in conversing with you, I feel like there is no weird silent barrier between us. If you had a problem with me you'd tell me, right? Or at least I'd be able to tell by your way of speaking, your tone of voice, etc. But with silence, you never really know what's going on in someone's head. It's all left up to the imagination. And if you overthink as much as I do, all you get are negative vibes.
Yet another part thinks that it all has to do with my incessant hate of waiting for things. I like things and people to be on time. Hell, I'm the only person I know who takes birth control for my mental health: one less thing to wait for. Waiting stresses me out, to the point where I can even become physically ill because of it. So if I've just met you and I think you're pretty cool, I'll want our friendship to become awesome right away: I don't want to wait and see how it turns out in the long run. Perhaps that's why I don't have a filter: I'll tell anyone my life story if they show the interest.
So, if I talk to you a lot, don't think of me as a big creeper, but just see me as someone who wants to be better friends with you. And just let me know if you're the type who needs a lot of space, that way I don't misunderstand you either ^^
It's no secret that I wear a lot of make-up. Everyday I wake up early enough to ensure a full make-up job is accomplished before going off to work or school. It's not only part of my morning rituals, but part of my feel-good rituals. If I feel that I look good, I feel better about myself and am therefore in a better mood.
Because of my love for make-up, I use only the best products. When you buy cheapy pharmacy crap, not only does it not look as good, but you end up buying new stuff all the time, in the hopes to find the perfect product. So, in the end, it probably costs you just as much to look good, only you just won't look as good as you could. Or at least that's my opinion. If you calculated the total costs of all the products I use on a daily basis, you would discover that my face costs between two and three hundred dollars. And I'm okay with that. The products last forever, and I barely have to buy more stuff, so it isn't actually that bad.
Between my face and my clothes, I spend a lot of time perfecting my appearance for the outside world. Some people might see that as being vain, I see it as taking pride in one's appearance. Because, face it, if you don't like the way you look, others probably won't either. For this reason, I don't dress for other people. I'm single and have been for a long time, and I can't say that I dress a certain way to try to attract guys. If anything, it scares them off. But this form of dress and make-up is what makes me feel most comfortable. So if a guy doesn't like it, he doesn't have to date me. Perhaps my clothes are a warning to the outside world… that I'm sort of different. Oh well, at least I don't try to hide who I am… I wear my crazy on my sleeve :P
But what is beauty, really? And what is and isn't beautiful? I've had lots of guys tell me that they prefer girls without make-up, and I always find that somewhat insulting. I spend so much time, energy and money on my face, and you tell me I should go without it? No, no. Remember, I'm not dressing for you. If you really prefer a natural girl, don't expect your girlfriend to shave her legs or armpits, use deodorant, or pluck her eyebrows. If you're okay with all that, then you can tell me that you like natural girls. If not, keep your mouth shut.
I never used to like dolls as a kid. I never really played make-believe either.
I just liked to hug stuffed animals and do arts and crafts.
I don't think I'm all that different as an adult. I still have tons of stuffed animals (many who sleep in my bed with me… ehehehe) and still like to craft.
But now I've begun to like dolls too.
Not all dolls mind you. I think it all started off with Playmobil, after I started working at my current job. We sell a ton of Playmobil (the whole catalogue!), so I get to interact with them 35 hours a week. They're really adorable, with their smiley faces :D. Not gonna lie, in the last 4 years I've accumulated dozens of Playmobil figures… they live as a small army on one of my bookshelves XD
Recently, I've started collecting Pullip dolls too. I picked up my first Pullips in February of this year. I had seen them at Urban Outfitters of all places, and upon realizing that the ones they had were all Alice in Wonderland themed, I had no choice but to buy them all (Alice in Wonderland is one of my weaknesses…). I came home, did some research, and discovered that the dolls I had bought were merely mini dolls and that bigger and more exciting dolls existed… And so it all started… :D
I now own 9 minis and 5 full-sized dolls. What I like about the full-sized ones is that they're completely customizable. That way I can combine my childhood love for crafting with these new toys. I make their clothes, I change their eyes, I give them make-up, I change their hair… I pretty much turn them into completely different dolls ^^
Mad Hatter, made by me ^^
What always disturbs me, though, is how people react when I show them my creations. Although they praise my work, one of the things that most people say is "You should sell them." These are like children to me. Why would I want to get rid of them? Not only do I become emotionally attached to these plastic people, but the amount of time, energy and money that is involved in the creation of these dolls is so high, that you'd pretty much have to ask for $300 a pop, which isn't actually making all that much of a profit. Buying a naked, used doll can cost from $60-$100, and that's before you start calculating the hair, eyes, material, shoes, and all other things you have to buy for these dolls. All together the dolls and their accessories end up costing somewhere between $150 and $200. Then you spend hours of your life transforming them into their perfect forms. You bond with them as you customize them. They become a sort of reflection of your creativity and abilities as an artist.
Lady Gaga, also made by me ^^
So telling me to sell them is like telling you that that 5-year-old child you've just raised is really bright and cute, and that you should sell her for a profit, cause you've done such a good job raising her. You've fed her well, taught her right from wrong, and have equipped her with nice clothing. I'm sure you could make at least $500 for her.
