13.12.12

1. One of my very favorite movie scenes ever is the one in 500 Days of Summer, when the screen is split in half, depicting simultaneously Tom's expectations when visiting Summer after their breakup, up against reality. It's such a heartbreaking scene because it's so very real.

2. I just play that scene in my head over and over again whenever things don't go the way I had hoped.

3. No, but really. 500 Days of Summer is one of the best movies ever and I need to rewatch it one of these days. But I just keep hoping that maybe I won't have a reason to want to watch it.

4. I really dislike both Sci-Fi and Fantasy, which people find surprising, considering the long list of magical girl manga I've read and my love for Ultraman characters. But if you think about it, it's really not that weird. The series I like pretty much all take place on Earth, in the present time, and involve mainly humans. Hints of magic/aliens/robots are cool, but cannot be allowed to overrule the human element of the story. I like stories that are in some way believable, with characters and stories that somehow I can relate to. Which is probably why I prefer 30-min sitcoms more than any other kind of TV series. A bunch of friends, in a basement/bar/school/apartment, talking about stupid daily problems and their attempts to solve them is pretty much all I really need.

5. Unfortunately, Japanese TV shows tend to be over-the-top, over-dramatic 10-12 episode drama series, which I really have trouble getting into. If I had a TV I'd probably just watch them anyways, but I really have trouble going out of my way to watch TV shows Im not especially interested in online. Which means that most of the TV shows I end up watching are in English, which really does not help me improve my Japanese in any way, shape or form.

13.11.25

1. It finally hit me today. I've apologized. There's nothing more that I can do. If he decides to not acknowledge this and to ignore me, then that's his problem. I didn't really do anything wrong anyway.

2. But today I got to finally snub him. I don't like doing this kind of shit. But really, what else am I supposed to do? If he's gonna pretend to not notice me, I'll do the same right back at him.

3. Morrissey. And The Smiths. And Morrissey. And The Smiths.

4. No, but really, Morrissey and/or The Smiths are perfect for virtually any mood. Hate the world and want to punch everyone in the face? Just woke up and don't know what to do with your day? In a good mood? Sure! It's all quite upbeat for music about subtly hating everyone. Aahhh, it's love.

5. 喜んでもらってすごく嬉しかったよ。あんたいつも隠そうとしてるけどさ、実際は善いやつだな。可愛いよな。

13.11.17

1. I haven't been doing much of anything lately. It was all bunka fest for about a month, along with sewing pigs forever. Then BAM bunka fest ends, pigs are handed in, and despite still having a mountain of shit to get done, the brain just says no, and I come home every day and stare blankly at my computer for hours, while the infinite scrolling of tumblr gets the best of me. Then somehow before you know it, it's 1 am and I still haven't done a thing, but it's late and time for bed and another day is wasted. How long as this been going on for? Two weeks? Something like that.

2. No, but seriously, I gotta get my shit together. One month to do so fucking much. Aaaah.

3. This really isn't a conversation. And as much as I like her and all, I don't think she realizes how I'm really not the best person to have these conversations with.

4. I've started watching a new show that really isn't all that great but I guess it'll do for now. At the speed I go through shows these days it should last long enough until I find another I wanna dive into.

5. Upon seeing my scratched up hand, my dad told me that when he was in his twenties too, he used to scratch his hands compulsively when he got stressed out. It's interesting how much of our strange habits are actually genetically based.

6. But shit man, my hand, or more specifically my wrist, is taking a real beating right now. And my whole arms are also getting scratched up and there are a bunch of little red dots all over. I really hope the rash like thing is also due to all this scratching and not something completely unrelated. No time to go to the clinic though :S

7. Using your winter coat as a blanket inside your own apartment is totally not something that just I do when it starts getting cold here. Between the fact that it costs a lot and it doesn't work well, you spend most of the colder months without the heat turned on. So you cocoon yourself in whatever you have to go to bed and its so nice and warm and wonderful that getting up in the morning is fucking hard. The only thing that gets me out (besides the need to get somewhere) is my wonderful heated toilet. But even that isnt feeling that warm these days :S

13.10.31 Part 2

1. I can't wait till Bunkasai is over with. I mean, it hasnt been all bad, and I've become better friends with the 3rd year students, which is great, but I am so looking forward to those three days off after the festival is all set and done.

2. 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, 2-3 weeks. Makes you look at the word 過労死 and just think 'one day it will come for me.'

3. But as much as it's been physically and mentally tiring getting ready for this festival, spending so much time at school interacting with people keeps me away from sitting alone and moping in my apartment. So forced overtime can have its advantages.

4. Sewing with leather means using rubber cement from time to time to literally GLUE ANIMALS TOGETHER. I might not be an animal enthusiast, and yes, I like real fur, but somehow I just feel weirded out by that fact. Needless to say, I've been gluing pigs all month. There might be a special place in hell for people like me.

13.10.31

It's extremely frustrating to have a love for something which you have no talent. For me, I absolutely love languages but I can't speak them well at all and having fully immersed myself in an environment where I have to use my weakest language on a daily basis is very difficult. I don't have regrets and I love living here, but I am constantly reminded how much better others are and how far I still am from speaking Japanese well.

A few weeks ago Akane posted an entry about language fluency, and as much as I hate people who brag about how great their skills are, I must say, that the term 'fluency' itself is very vague. This is not actually a subjective comment on my part, but actually something that we came across in a linguistics class in university.

The concept of fluency is extremely fluid and I personally think it should be seen as something altogether different from perfect or native level language ability.

I consider myself fluent in three languages on account of having lived in environments throughout my life where I had to live using languages outside my native tongue on a regular basis. But never will I say that I speak any of those three languages perfectly. Even my English (especially since moving to Japan) is nowhere near perfect.

I went to university in English. I worked in French. I go to technical school in Japanese. I manage. Even if I may sound like a grammatically and vocabulary challenged child.

Anyways, even though it's probably even less credible than wiki, I thought this page was interesting and worth a glance.

13.10.27

1. The worst thing about having a bad dream is that it ends up staying with you all day. It's always in the back of your mind and you can't get away.

2. I probably spent about 60 hours at school this week, plus 8 hours or so on Saturday. All more or less mandatory. Followed by at most 5-6 hours of sleep a night. All good practice for real Japanese company life, I've been told. I'm terrified, but I'm learning to deal with it. One more week of this and we should be back to normal though.

3. On my days off I'm just always so fucking lazy and unproductive that I feel like I just end up wasting my free time. But somehow random mental health days always work wonders. But I can't afford to skip school these days so I guess I'll have to take what I can get.

4. It might be time for my yearly hair cut.

5. I may overthink and overanalyze everything, but that might not always be a bad thing.

6. I want to read more in Japanese and in French but there isn't really anything specific that I want to read right now which makes this somewhat difficult. For me, if I'm not really excited by a book, I won't get through the first few pages, so even though I really want to read more, I don't know where to start, I worry about buying books for nothing, and then I just don't end up reading at all.

13.09.30

1. In the same way I would assume you would want your parents to like the guy you're with, you want your friends to be equally enthusiastic about whatever tiny encounters or excitements you might have. Somehow you inevitably crave the approval of the group. But a tiny put-down seems to bother you forever, even if it really shouldn't. It's been one of those kinds of days.

2. I hope tomorrow will be awesome. I hope Friday went as well as I hope it did. I hope it's mutual.

3. I don't like always being by myself, but there are some advantages to going places alone. You meet people you may have never met otherwise.

4. I found the perfect Christmas gift for a couple of friends, but it isn't even October yet so I gotta just hold on and not do anything for a few weeks. I hope that if I do go through with it, it'll get me all the intended laughs, and with some luck, some actual usage.

5. I have three hair brushes and 4 sets of tweezers and there are times when I find neither of either of them.

6. Reading a manga about the end of the world centering around Tokyo is cool and all when you live in  North America, but is terrifying when you actually live in Tokyo.

13.09.26

1. I've had a rough month. I took a huge fall on the street and scraped up my knees real bad. I climbed a mountain and fucked up my leg for two weeks. I caught a cold. I need to fucking get healthy and non-accidenty and shit.

2. Living by yourself and feeling physically shitty is really awful. Add being single into the mix, and all you crave is for a nice pretty boy to take care of you, bring you soup and hot chocolate and blankets and shit. 

3. And so I can't stop thinking of you, even though you're probably completely full of shit and don't care about me. But I'm stubborn and don't want to let you go yet. 

4. People I care about have to stop fucking quitting school. Another friend from class told me yesterday that he'll probably drop out after this year. If he leaves I'll be so sad. Just coming to school since A. left has been so fucking hard. I miss him so fucking much. He wasn't just the guy I liked in class. 

Our class is so tiny and will probably only get smaller next year. And so everyone's presence in class is felt strongly. And when he left you could just tell that everything was off. The whole dynamic was off. And even the teacher was different. She cut off her long hair and didn't smile for a few weeks. She was tougher than usual and somewhat unapproachable. Everything was just so weird and awkward. And sad.

Another girl dropped out at the same time as him, but I guess no one really noticed, because she was always a bit of a faint existence in our class. But everyone liked A. 

5. I've been trying to see him, but maybe I came off too strongly. Or too crazy. Or too desperate. Who knows. The thing is that I always go after guys who seem a little bit off, which isn't a bad thing, but it just makes meeting them that much more difficult. But the thing is that I am worried about this kid, and so I want to see him to see how he's doing. Or maybe that's really just an excuse.

13.08.15

The thing about having vaginismus is that it's not something you ever want to talk about. 

You reach a point when you think things are better or you just find a way of living in denial for a long time. You convince yourself that everything will be okay. Because you're awesome, so why shouldn't it be?

But then something makes you realize maybe, no matter how awesome you are, problems don't really fix themselves. Or that the progress you think you've made isn't as much as you would have hoped. 

But have you made any progress at all? I'd like to think so?

I listen to my friends talk about how difficult it is to find a boyfriend. Or how I should do this or do that. Or how it's hard for everyone. 

Maybe.

Maybe it is. But having this kinda crap doesn't help. And out of all my friends I'm the only one with this problem and so, as much as I love my friends and they love me, they can't understand how I feel and I can't understand them.

And at 25, I'm so sick of being the stupid virgin one of the group. Fuck, I'm in a class full of kids younger than me and I'm probably one of the only ones in my class who's never had sex.

Just think about that for a minute.

People say it doesn't change you. Or that it doesn't change anything. But somehow not being able to have sex changes everything. 

And from a normal person's perspective, saying "You should really think about getting help" or "You should see someone about it" only helps so much.  It's like me calling you out on all your problems. "Maybe you should get over all your childhood traumas, they can't be so bad!", "Maybe you should stop worrying about what people think of you!", "Maybe you should be more like this or that!", "You should see someone about all your anxieties!" 

If it were that easy to just go up to some sort of medical professional and talk to them about it, I would have already done it, you know.

I just hit a low point yesterday and I feel like I've rewound back to four years ago. I feel somewhat emotionally dead or empty or whatever you want to call it. 

I'm the kind of person who can talk forever about anything. But for once I really just don't want to talk about it. Not out loud. Not in chat. I just want to pretend that all this crap didn't exist. But I really needed to at least let part of my frustrations out, so this is what this blog entry is all about. I'm not especially ashamed or embarrassed about it, which is why I'm posting this, but that still doesn't mean I want to talk about it yet.

There's a lot about me that isn't right. But all I want is for some beautiful boy to tell me that none of that stuff matters and that he'll love me anyways. But every day I grow more skeptical that this can ever become a reality.

13.08.13

1. I like pictures more than written words.

2. It's amazing how when something is written in Japanese I can just look at it and gloss right over without reading or trying to read. Whereas when I look at something written in the roman alphabet, even if I can't understand the language, somehow my brain picks up on it and subconsciously tries to make sense of it all.

3. It's equally interesting that after speaking a language other than your native language all day, your tongue and the inside of your mouth just feel weird. If I speak French for a while my mouth feels one way, if I speak Japanese, it feels another. And when I switch back to English, once again, my mouth feels off. I understand that this is based on the fact that each language uses different parts of your mouth to form words, but it still blows my mind every time.

4. We had a day when it went up to 37C before factoring in the humidity. 37C. I was cooling my apartment down to 27.... which sounds hot except that it was a whole 10 degrees cooler in my apartment than in the outside world.

5. I heard a good story from my mom yesterday. I was telling my family that it was weird that for the last two summers I've had almost no mosquito bites even though everyone around me keeps getting eaten. She told me that she heard somewhere that apparently mosquitoes don't tend drink the blood of overly stressed out people. Don't know how scientific a study it was, but interesting piece of knowledge if you ask me.

6. I need to go back on the pill. Ive been saying this forever. I just need to fucking go get it done. I've been so unproductive this summer. But Im taking baby steps and I'm slowly starting to get places.

7. For example, I bought a storage unit for my place. I threw out some boxes. I got a small table. Nothing major, but things that had to get done. Still a long way to go though.

8. I don't know why but for the past few months this whole being single thing has started driving me crazy. It's like a weird obsession of mine and I dont know how to fix it. I just feel like it's time that I had someone there. Not just a friend, but a guy to just always be there. Or something like that. I don't fucking know. But somehow it seems so much easier for almost all of my other friends and I just don't get it. Everyone seems to get out of these long term relationships and have time to find someone new and I'm just still here, alone. And I wonder how this is even possible.

And everyone can just fucking stop saying "I don't understand why you are single" cause that really doesn't help the situation. I dont get it either. But apparently a lot of guys Im interested in do understand why there's something about me that they don't want to date, so fuck.

9. People say I'm too picky. Or that I go after the wrong guys. Maybe. But fuck I'm so unlike most people when it comes to what I do and don't like that I don't see what this should be any different.

10. I got some of the best boy advice ever the other day. Where has this advice been all my life?

13.07.28.02

1. I don't care what other people think, Korean and Japanese sound nothing alike. When you spend over a year in a school that is 80% Korean, you get really used to the way it sounds, and it really sounds extremely different. The people look extremely different too.

2. I'm really good at distinguishing Japanese, Korean, and Chinese phenotypes. Sometimes I can figure out Thai and Filipino too. Maybe it isn't the most useful of skills, but I pride myself on being able to tell people apart just based on face alone, and often from far distances too.

3. The loft in my apartment is like a good 5C or more hotter than the rest of my apartment. Going up there for any more than five or so minutes makes me feel like crap. I'm happy I listened to my old roommate when he told me not to put my futon up there.

4. I hate waiting for people to respond to messages. Please message me back soon? T__T

13.07.28

1. Officially on summer holiday as of 3 pm today so Im gonna stay up and shit like it's nobody's business tonight!

2. Actually, I lie. There was a bug sighting in my apartment, causing me to flee and seek help from others. I hope the little bastard finds a way out of my place on his own. Or decides to eat the trap shit I left out for him. Just no babies or friends, please?

3. No but bugs are yucky and scary and anywhere but my apartment, please?

4. Last year with the cockroach incident I made an international call to my parents. This year with the first bug (hopefully only bug?), I call up my old roommate. Both phone calls involve me freaking out and the other person laughing at me, and good memories down the line. But right now, someone just come and live with me and kill bugs in the summer, yes?

5. L and I have become friends of sorts and this is the coolest thing in the world right now. I lie, maybe not coolest, but still pretty cool. Though it would have been great had he come for pancakes with us like he said he would.

13.07.26

1. Being in your mid-twenties makes it so that it's not altogether strange that the last guy you liked is almost twice as old as the current guy you like.

2. There are things that I don't know how to feel about. Just in general. And sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to feel about these things and perhaps it isn't worth all this thinking.

3. I did a really good job shaving my legs last night and I need to make sure I do the same kind of wonderful shaving work tomorrow night. Also got to experience two different kinds of stick-on/strapless bras over the last few days. For someone as flat-chested as I am, living in Asia is perfect for boob-related technology.

4. I went to Shinjuku with almost no makeup on today and that's one of those things I said I'd never do. I looked like hell in the train window's reflection on my way in this morning.

5. I hate the phrase "You look better without makeup" so so so much. And girls who brag about never wearing makeup can suck it too. You probably don't look as good as you think and look a hundred times better when you put effort into your appearance. A little mascara and foundation go a long way.

6. I don't believe in inner beauty versus outer beauty. I believe in taking charge in the way you look and creating a you that properly reflects the inside. Or creating an image on the outside of what you want to become on the inside. In other words, I believe in the unity of inside and out.

7. Am I shallow? Perhaps. But maybe not as much as you think.

13.07.17

1. I got my first real taste of Japanese overtime work yesterday and it was awful and today I still feel emotionally and physically drained. I need to find a way of becoming stronger in every sense of the word if I expect to survive in the long run.

2. Last week, half-jokingly, I said I would volunteer to do my presentation early if I got to do it in English. Everyone said that I should do it, and after talking to the teacher, he said it was fine, even if him and I are the only ones who understand. But part of me feels sort of self-conscious and regretful of having made this suggestion. Not only will no one understand, but part of me feels like I'm building up walls between me and my classmates once again. It's hard to explain, but I'm strangely worried about the whole ideal.

3. There's no use in hiding it. I'm just gonna go out and say it. I want a boyfriend and that's that. Having friends is great and all, and I'm grateful for all the friendships I have, but I really need someone to be there for me right now, if for no other reason, then to distract me from myself. Friends have their own lives, their own problems, and can't be with me all the time. 

In other words, I want a boyfriend because of selfish, personal reasons and I accept this. That, and to kill bugs for me. 

4. For whatever reason, I wanted to see you, and your not having money and your lack of responding to my messages is upsetting. But I'm so tired right now that I don't have the energy to go after you. And part of me wonders whether, if I continue to pursue you, it'll be because I genuinely like you, or just because I really don't want to lose. I'm extremely hard-headed and persistent when it comes to shit like this.

13.07.08

1. Maybe it isn't right to get excited over small things. But I often do.

2. I have fallen in love with a pretzel and it's all thanks to Akane. No, but seriously, it's perfect.

3. I bought shoes for the first time in years and they're pretty fantastic. Gotta figure out how to climb down stairs without dying though.

4. Every year I tend to forget just how hot Tokyo gets in the summer. The air is nice right now, but I still feel extremely hot in my little apartment. The computer on my lap doesn't help, of course.

5. Midterm exams start tomorrow. Baaah.

6. Man, bitch, wipe that smile off your face when you say such things. But, no, seriously, who do you think you are? Do you think it's cute or something? Or are you actually just clueless?

7. Tsutaya cards and 5 CDs for 1000Y have brought so much joy into my musical life over the last month. Hooray.

8. Out of sight out of mind. Maybe. Or maybe just put on the backburner. Always on the backburner.

13.07.05

1. I want to find someone with whom I can share every single part of my life. I want to show them every little silly thing that I find important and significant and stimulating and wonderful. And it's okay if that person doesn't feel the same way about these things. But simply take a look and take the time to  understand the small things that go on in my brain that make me who I am. The good and the bad. And to not be judged for any of it.


2.

"I think I should flirt with B more often..."

"But didn't you say you were sorta seeing someone...?"

"Yeah, but she's 36..."

"???.... Just because she's 36 doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings!"


3. I think I realized today why I do so much better with guys than I do with girls but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words properly without giving off the wrong impression about myself.


4. For someone who was giving me shit today for being a girl that seems to like the wrong guys, you really weren't trying very hard to sell yourself off as a good guy.


5. Reading and rereading old CLAMP manga was honestly one of the best decisions I've made in the last few months.


6. My goal for this school year is for you and I to become friends and if I can achieve that I'll be extremely happy. Today I felt that maybe you feel the same way about me.


7. The world is an extremely small and mysterious place.

13.07.04

1. Sometimes, even if you do your best, there are just some things that are out of your control. But maybe something good will come of this.

2. I will never know what it's like to be you. And you will never know what it's like to be me. And maybe we all just have to accept this and get over ourselves if we ever want to move forward.

3. Doing math word problems involving high sums of money in Japanese is just... I don't even know... Please don't kill me, Marketing Exam T_T

4. I picked up all four volumes of CLOVER the other day, and I love it. The art is just amazing. I feel like I waited till just the perfect time to finally decide to read it too.

13.07.02

1. I waited for you and waited and waited and you never came. You took a step forward and it meant the world to me. But you're still so far away. And maybe you always will be.

2. You noticed I wasn't doing well and you didn't stop at 'no' when I said nothing was wrong. I had been waiting for that for so long... For once, I didn't feel like I was just burdening someone with my own selfish thoughts and mindless stories. You asked because you were concerned and because you wanted to know. Now if only you had chosen me and not her. But maybe things are better this way.

3. People who are unilingual have no right to criticize people's second language skills.

4. I just feel so tired and drained and I'm having trouble putting up a facade. I want to yell at everyone to get out of my way. I skipped adulthood completely and have become a bitter old lady.

5. I really really hate it when my classmates use keigo with everyone older than them, except with me. Especially because I'm usually the oldest one in class. Don't decide on your own that just because I'm gaijin you don't have to use it. And in my current mood I was about to bitch out the kid who sits in front of me today because of that.

13.06.25

1. You and I are sitting in your room. It is dark and the window is open. A breeze comes in. We are listening to this song and I don't know if I'm in love with the music, or the atmosphere, or maybe even you. You hold me but we don't talk. And we stay this way forever.

2. I like people who are broken. I have no interest in people who fit in. In people who are whole.

3. I feel nostalgic for a past I've never known. It's a strange feeling, but somehow it just feels right.

4. I wish I could go back to that small town in Nagano, surrounded by mountains and trees. The Japan that lies beyond Tokyo is truly beautiful.

13.06.23

1. I've just been so stressed over so many things that my stomach is all angry with me and doing bad things bah. Having had so much to drink yesterday doesn't really help... though funnily enough, I still feel better than I did yesterday afternoon.

2. Despite how awful I felt between heading home after the izakaya and about 5:30 this morning, I really had a great time last night. I think I'm starting to get better at social Japanese get-togethers. Of course, it always depends on the people you're out with, but I used to just get very quiet and not say too much... but yesterday I was super talkative and very much ''me.''

3. I really like using rude Japanese. In context, of course. I feel like it helps me to sound more like I do in English. Of course, my rude Japanese isn't really all that rude (more like guy slang, but I'll take what I can get), but I feel like it helps me to sort of fit in a bit more. That and I love being one of the guys, even though I'm sure that's part of the reason guys tend to pick other girls over me.

4. I'm excited and nervous and terrified about tomorrow and so I can't concentrate and yeah. If he doesn't show up I'll be uber pissed.

5. Momoiro Clover Z makes me so much happier than I ever expected.

13.06.15

1. I think I'm way too calm about the huge pile of things I have to do next week. There will be very little sleep and very much coffee involved.

2. School on Saturday this week? Well, why not. I am also in denial over this fact. Not exactly dreading it though.

3. I have my first ever Japanese-French translation coming up next week and I'm a little nervous about it. I haven't really written in French in like 6 years and my spoken French has gone to shit over the last couple of years. I'm sure I'll figure it out and it'll be a good experience but the first time doing anything is always the hardest. But you gotta start somewhere, right? 

4. There are so many things I want to do on Sunday and so many other things I should do and I feel a little torn between responsibility and leisure and yeah. 

5. But maybe bowling tomorrow night? I'm excited.

6. Boys? Boys. Boys...

13.06.10

私は聞かれたら何でも言う人なんだ。

秘密はほとんどない。

でも最近、秘密を持つことがおそらく良い事かなと。

恥ずかしいから言いたくないと言う訳じゃなく、一人だけで楽しみたいこと。
自分だけのモノにしたいこと。

なんでだろう。

It rained so hard that day. And all I wanted to do was cry.

At that moment I hated you. So much. 

The day had started off well. So full of potential. But then I choked and I fell apart and I blamed you for it.

You and I were headed in the same direction, so they stuffed us in one cab. As the taxi overflowed in your belongings, you and I were crushed together.

And although I couldn't forgive you at the time, somehow you put me at ease and everything just felt better.

And in the months to follow I would find so many reasons to love you and so many to hate you and not a single reason to want to lose you.

13.06.02

1. Reading CLAMP manga really just makes me wanna sit in a library and do research and write about everything that is fucked up forever. Which makes me question my current studying decisions and wonder if this is really what I want.

2. But I never really know what I want. I'm the kind of person who will change her mind ever other week as to what my life calling is. And that's fine I guess when you're a kid, but at 25 years old how am I supposed to deal with this and where do I go from now?

3. But don't get me wrong. I have no plan of quitting Bunka and doing research. It just makes me wonder though if I'll ever be passionate enough about one thing to really become good at it and want to work hard at achieving my goals.

4. I guess we could say that I don't know what I want my end goal to be and that's especially frustrating.

5. Part of the reason for this is because as a child my dream was to learn Japanese and live in Japan. And although there is still a lot of improvement that needs to be done on the language part, I've more or less realized this dream. And realizing your dream at a young age means you have to assemble a new dream. And I really don't know where to go from here.

13.05.17

1. I have so much to look forward to over the next week and a half that I'm so worried that things will get wrong. So I feel slightly ill and nervous and I wish I knew how to just calm down and be a normal person from time to time.

2. And I could have really done without one of my students apparently getting over some long-ass bout of food poisoning/stomach flu/who-knows-what that they caught abroad. Paranoia mode overload. I can't get sick now.

3. あなたのこと好きになったかも。

4. 年下の男と付き合った事ない理由は何かというと毎回振られちゃうから。でも特に６コ下の男に振られたくないな。

13.05.16.2

There's something about rain that, when in the right mood, I absolutely love. I sit in my apartment and wish that there was someone here with me to listen to the sounds. It is dark and you hold me and we lie in bed and do nothing all day.

Or maybe we run around outside like children. Wearing rainboots and raincoats and holding umbrellas too small to keep us dry.

The air is perfect outside. It's cool but isn't cold. It's warm but isn't hot. I smile and you smile back.

13.05.16

1. Almost every night, just as it's time for me to go to bed, I start feeling unwell and I don't want to lie down and I just feel stressed and the last thing I want to do is try to sleep. And then mornings are hard to wake up.

2. Hopefully it's stress. Lots of things coming up over the next week and a half. Excited and nervous.

3. あなたからの連絡が来た瞬間、すごくほっとした。ありがとう。

4.好きな人が居なくても、面白くて気になる男が最近多くなった。

13.05.10

1. I'm not too sure why you seem to be avoiding me. What did I do to upset you? And how can I make it okay? I'd like to talk.

2. Or maybe you're just busy and I'm just paranoid but still.

3. I've spent so little time sleeping this week and I feel like I got nothing done.

4. Bashing your head when you haven't slept all week and you've had a headache all week and you're already always in hypercondriac means absolutely making a visit to the hospital.... But at least everything turned out normal.

5. I turned on my A/C for the first time in my new apartment and it made the most particular scent/odor. I feel the need to use both adjectives as it was both minty and somewhat disgusting. I don't even know how to start explaining it haha.

6. Visitors coming soon! So excited! :D

13.05.03

1.昨日話してくれてありがとう。実はね、去年からずっと気になってたよ。でもクラスメイトになったら、ずっと私に冷たくて、無視して、凄く嫌な人だと思った。でも昨日は初めて私に優しくして、嬉しかった。これからもよろしくね。

2. 好きだから嫌い。嫌いだから好き。そういうパターンが多いなと。

3. やることが多すぎると、逃げる。今でも逃げている。

4. I am convinced that we are programmed to go after the same people over and over again. Maybe because they remind us of someone we once loved. Or maybe because we want to fix what we couldn't the previous time. Maybe because we want to be accepted by that original lost love. Or maybe I just think too much.

5. Friends coming to visit in a few weeks. Super excited. Yay!!

6. あなたに会いたくないときもあるよ。私もびっくりした。

7. Even though I don't smoke, I prefer to sit with smokers when I go out to an izakaya. They're always more interesting to talk with.

8. But I'd really rather not see little 18~19 year old girls smoking because they think it looks cool. I prefer the long-time authentic smokers.

9. I find it interesting how the East and the West treat the idea of smoking and drinking very differently. In the west both are seen quite negatively, whereas in the east, they're almost expected of you.

10. I love being an observer. Maybe that's why I dislike big groups usually. Because I can't look in from the outside. So I get quiet, distance myself, and find a way to watch people anyways. Though when I write it all down it just makes me sound creepy.

13.04.25

1. Your message yesterday had the best timing ever. 24 hours later and I'm still extremely amused.

2. Maybe I should take this weird period shit as a sign to go back onto the pill and get my life organized and shit. And then clean my fucking room. And buy more storage. And finally unpack most of my shit. Then finally get rid of all the empty boxes. And actually feel like I live somewhere for once.

3. I need to take better care of everything and everyone and myself.

4. I need to finally pick up that makeup and that handcream I've been putting off for weeks. There is only so much I can squeeze out of these things.

5. I'm not sure if I need to learn to give more of a shit or less of a shit about things.

6. There are some people you prioritize over every other person you know. A single message from them will make you drop everything to be with them. I don't know what this emotion is called.

7. Silliest thing to say ever, but I'm totally in love with my own tumblr hahaha. But hear me out before you think I'm some self-conceited weirdo bitch. I post a lot of things I like, and perhaps it is my own personal bias, but I really think it looks nice all together. It's a nice mix of pictures, with a good flow of colors and themes from one pic to the next. And it's 100% what makes up my emotions and my personality and my essence. And just looking through it makes me happy.

13.04.15

1. As much as I don't get offended easily, I get hurt easily, if that makes any sense.

2. I don't know what that scary sound is outside but I really hope it's the neighbour vacuuming or something. Or waxing her floors? I can deal with that kind of stuff.

3. I rewatched the entirety of Magic Knight Rayearth (both seasons) and I'm not gonna lie, I'm super disappointed with the ending. Like what is this. Just no. I think the manga has a better ending. Gotta find and pick those up in the near future. But still. I need to talk to Akane and rant about what the hell that was all about because I love her and she understands my frustrations about these things lol.

4. It's interesting rewatching an anime series ten years later. You notice a lot more psychologically fucked up things the second time around. And all the recurring themes and cultural references. It really makes you wanna write up a master's thesis about all this shit. Or maybe that's me.

5. The thing about going back to school after finishing university, etc, is that everyone is really young. Including the boys you find cute. Fuck.

6. The muscles between my ass and my leg have been hurting for weeks and it's no good. Bah!

7. I'm going to try to ingest my recommended daily calorie intake everyday. Or more. Gotta gain weight.

8. You see something you want and you don't know how to achieve your goal. You are paralyzed with fear and you just don't know how to go about it. And you wait for the window of opportunity to close itself so you can go back to hoping and dreaming because it just feels safer.

13.04.08

1. If there's one thing I learned from Saturday's experience, it's that the most important thing in running a successful business is employee satisfaction.

2. I was on TV this morning! And this time it wasn't just me in the background! Too bad the TV people A) didn't tell me in advance when it was going to be shown, and B) I don't have a TV... At least one of my friends took a picture of it for me. Yay.

3. School again? I guess so. New program, new classmates. SAME TA AS LAST YEAR I FREAKED OUT. Im sure it'll be okay... I was just in a bit of a shock all day lol.

4. This is my life these days in a nutshell. Take of that what you will.

5. So many things to carry to school with me tomorrow!

6. A big enough bug made it into my apartment yesterday and I don't know how I'm going to survive this summer. I guess the three possible options are:
    i. set up bug traps
    ii. get a bf and make sure he's always home with me so that he can kill all the bugs for me
    iii. grow some balls and learn to kill them myself
Honestly, the most doable option is i.... though I wouldn't mind ii. lol

13.04.06

１.　イベントに参加できて嬉しいんだけど、こういうテーマが私には辛い。だから、ショーはどんなに可愛くても泣きたくなって、苦しかった。

２.　私の「秘密」を皆に言いたいんだけど、言いづらくて、気まずくて、いいタイミングがないから、なかなか言わない。でも別に隠したいことじゃない。

３.　なんで一緒にいるとこんなに楽しいか分からない。むしろ困る。だってさ、あなたにふられたよ。でアタシの友達と付き合い始めたじゃん。あれだけで辛いからさ、don't give me hope.

4. As much as my friends mean well and as much as it's probably true, being told 'He'll never date a gaijin, so don't take it personally!' really isn't something I know how to deal with emotionally yet.

5. At least that part of my day went better than expected. Just give me a bit more time and I should be good with it all. I'm extremely good at becoming friends with guys who've rejected me, it just doesn't happen overnight. Usually.

6. I still want to sit down with you and tell you why I think you're an asshole and why I've been hurt by you over the last few months. Is this what we call closure? Who knows.

7. I've been up for like 19+ hours and my brain is starting to dribble out of my ears. Maybe bed soon.

8. By 7 a.m. today....
     i. I had already been up for two hours
     ii. A stranger tried to get me into his car (he offered me a lift.... but I mean, potato, potahto, right?)
     iii. It was raining
     iv. There was an accident on the yamanote line (i.e. probably a suicide) and the line was down
     v. Because of iv was forced to walk from Yoyogi to Harajuku (20 min walk)
     vi. Because of iv friend was going to be late to the event i was heading to, thus leaving me alone to work with my other friend who just started dating the guy i liked.... (ended up not being awkward at all, but there was initial dreading fear so it counts)

9. I continue to believe that poor is the other eco.

13.04.05

Because I'm suffering from a case of serious procrastination, let's make a list of short term goals, shall we?

1. Read more in French. Because I have no one to speak French with and it's quickly starting to dribble out of my brain. And people are always saying that reading is good for you....right?

2. Read more in Japanese. Because I need to learn stuff. And studying Japanese words and phrases alone just doesn't stick anymore... Have I plateau'ed? Perhaps....

3. Write more. Because I need to practice formulating thoughts and ideas into communicable words.

4. Take more walks. It saves money and lets me see a whole lot more of Tokyo Suburbia, which I absolutely love.

5. Buy a frying pan and start cooking.

6. BUY SHELVES BECAUSE THIS IS STARTING TO GET RIDICULOUS PEOPLE ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS AND IM STILL LIVING IN BOXES!

7. Spend more time in coffee shops. This whole saving-money business has turned into way too much spend-time-alone-in-my-apartment time.

8. Spend more time with my computer off and my phone far away.

9. Buy a watch (so that 8 can happen).

10. Eat more of everything and gain five pounds. (And maybe buy a scale so I actually know how much I weigh...?)

13.04.01

1. It's amazing how many emotions you can feel in one day.

2. But sometimes I just want stability.

3. I don't know how to improve my Japanese and it's killing me and days like today make me feel so embarrassed and useless. And it makes me scared that I might never find a job here.

4. Finally took my first purikura of the year and I'm extremely happy with the result.

5. April? Huh? Time is too fast aaaah.

6. I need to lay off of self-destructive creeping. But I think we secretly all love to find ways to bring ourselves down and hate others.

7. "As far as I'm concerned, you and N are Japanese. I don't consider you gaijin." is one of the most touching things I've been told in the two years I've lived here. And it came from the most unexpected person too. まじ泣けるほど感動した。ありがとう。

8. I am so proud of the jacket I just made. I wanna wear it forever. Except that the weather's gonna get hot soon and I'll melt away. But until then I'm gonna wear it everyday.

13.03.22

1. I am not an automatic translator. I am a person with feelings and shit. So if you and I never hang out, and the only messages I ever get from you is "How do you say this in English?" I am going to want to punch you in the face. Especially if it's for one word. Fuck man, use a fucking dictionary.

2. It's too bad people suck, because I really do like doing translations but it just gets me so upset to get these kinds of stupid messages all the time.

3. Don't give me the excuse that Japanese people are too shy to ask me to hang out if these same people aren't shy when it comes for asking for favors from me. In other words, there's a lot of bullshit going on.

4. I'm extremely bad at sending mail out on time. Or responding to emails or messages or stuff.

5. My friend Marie from Montreal was in town for a couple of days and it was super nice to see her! Last time we hung out was back in November I think so yeah, had a lot of catching up to do. It's really nice having an old friend living in Japan, but living far enough that we actually make sure to make plans with each other every so often. Because when you live in the city you often say things like 'we should hang out' and then never actually get around to it. But when you're only in the same city every few months, you'll actually put in the effort and its great.

6. I want to eat animal donuts everyday.

7. I had the best meal a few days ago in Koenji. Can't stop thinking about it :3

13.03.16

1. What was that about there being no room for a rice ball in a fruit basket? Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel today. I am a rice ball.

2. I'm learning to forget you, or at least detach. But sometimes you make me upset. Sometimes I don't want to see you.

3. This really better be PMS or I'm really just an emotionally unstable person. 

4. I'm starting to understand that sitting in seiza (tradition Japanese style/on your knees) is really all about utilizing vertical space. And for the last year or so, I have been living on floors and needing to use as much vertical space as possible. And so I've been sitting in seiza a lot. My knees aren't so happy about this.

5. I think a lot and overthink and overthink until I make myself miserable by all the overthinking I've done. But at least I don't look at things in a shallow and ignorant way. Though I'm not sure if this is always the healthiest way of living.

6. I routinely overanalyze the usage of certain words. I don't have favorite words, but I absolutely have words I hate. And they aren't words like 'cunt' or 'moist' or words that make most people uncomfortable. The words I hate are demeaning terms that people use freely because they don't understand how hurtful they can be. But maybe this isn't the time to bring them up. 

7. People probably see me as too sensitive. I take things personally. I get defensive easily. It's all true.

8. Sneezing when you're sitting cross-legged is way more painful than it should be. 

13.03.10

1. No matter how much you might be over someone, when they get a girlfriend, it really sucks.

2. When this girlfriend is one of your friends, it sucks even more.

3. When you are indirectly responsible for them spending time together and getting to know each other, well just... fuck.

4. Can't compute. Bah. Dajf;ladjf;safshasjas;dfjfja;.

5. Finding this out a few hours before seeing said guy? Just some more afjalsk;fjsal;faf for you.

6. Sigh.

7. Survived 12+ hours in stiletto boots, walking around the city, standing, and dancing. One proud achievement from yesterday.

8. Got to see the ex-roommate yesterday. It was so nice. Perfect timing. And got hugs. Yay.

9. Still can't compute.  Also can't compute this hangover.

10. Will write a huge long rant as to why this is extremely crappy later. Not upset so much at the people involved but the situation itself. Maybe a bit with the guy, but there's a bunch of reasons for that. But... bah...

13.03.08

1. I don't mind being completely alone. Most of the time I don't feel all that lonely. But I do feel bored, especially at night. Because during the day you can take walks and go window shopping or hang out in coffee shops, but at night all of a sudden, all this just seems like a bad idea to do if you're a girl all alone.

2. As much as I like doing translations for people, they're actually a lot of work. I do some translations for friends' events sometimes and because they barely make money themselves, I don't expect them to pay me. And I really don't mind doing them either, because I get to practice and learn more and that's great. But I really wish these people would actually try to hang out with me from time to time. I really feel sometimes that if I wouldn't do these translations they probably wouldn't include me in the first place, except if they wanted to show off how international they are with their foreign friends. And that's what hurts sometimes. I know everyone's busy, but if you have time to ask me to do unpaid work for you, you have time to ask me to go for coffee at least.

3. There was a French guy dressed as Predator on my train today. I don't even know what to say lol. You know, recently I was feeling a bit nostalgic for the French language and felt I really needed to practice speaking it at some point soon. Just never expected the next person I'd be speaking French with would be an alien from a horror movie lol.

4. As an addition to #3, I've been watching a whole lot of French vlogs on Youtube. They're very addictive and I'm okay with this.

5. I think I'm either starting to harden emotionally or let things go. But seeing as I'm like the grudginator, I'm starting to think it's the former.

6. I am constantly reminded at school that without my one friend in class, I am completely alone. On the first day of class, everyone wants to talk to the foreign kid. When you meet people they always say things like 'I would see you around the halls all the time, and I always wanted to introduce myself...' But then you meet people and they meet people and they choose these other people over you and you're left alone.

7. But this isn't a Japan thing, when you think about it. I am always the one left behind. Maybe that's why I moved away. Maybe I'm different. I'm distant. I'm alone.

8. Maybe I'm an android with a delayed emotional response.

13.03.07

1. I finally got my hands on a copy of 2046 and I'm super happy. Got it for ¥500 too! I had seen it in Montreal at Christmas and sorta hesitated buying it because they only had it subtitled in French. It wouldn't have really been a big problem getting it in French... but it was one of those just-not-what-you-were-looking-for-so-don't-wanna-buy-it kinda moments. Aaand at the same place they had it with English subtitles for rental only. So I was so close yet so far. So I decided against it. I figured if I'm going to get it subbed in a language that wasn't English, I'd rather get it with Japanese subtitles, because I had seen it in Tokyo months before, but hesitated and didn't end up picking it up.

2. Watched the DVD and actually understood most of it. Despite the fact that most of the movie is in Chinese and all of the subtitles were in Japanese. I'm a little proud of this. The fact that it was the second time I see the movie helps a lot. But still. 

3. Everyone needs to stop what they're doing and watch this movie. I couldn't tell you exactly what it's about, or what it all means, but it's definitely worth a watch, if not for the plot, but for the music and the visuals and Kimura Takuya. But I digress. It's a movie that makes you want to fall in love and then get torn apart by the twists and turns and the ugliness of it all. 

4. I like twisted love stories. I like movies with unique music. I like movies with vivid colors. I like high quality foreign movies. 

5. I like movies without a good guy or a bad guy. I like movies that are about people trying to understand their own lives.

13.03.03

1. Got to meet up with the old roommate today, which was really nice. What I really love about seeing him is that there are some things that I can really only talk to him about. Not because they're big secrets or anything, but because he's the only one who can truly understand some of the things I experience here. He's my only caucasian-foreign-exchange-student-in-fashion-school friend, which sounds like it wouldn't be a big deal, but it is. He understands my daily frustrations better than anyone else. And I miss being able to let out steam on a daily basis with him.

2. As much as I complain about things, I really do enjoy living here. I'm just tired from the last few months of mega stress to write positive things all the time. But I promise I'm having fun.

3. So I discovered a whole forest of white hair. Two forests, actually. In other words, I can never really put my hair up again... O__O

4. School year's almost over and I'm pretty excited to have a few weeks off and start a whole new year of new kinds of learning and new adventures.

5. Tokyo grows bigger the longer I live here. Every year I seem to change addresses, change jobs, make new friends. And because of this, I discover new parts of the city, take new trains and metros to new stations. I connect train stations by foot, and see all the residential and commercial bits in between. And it's wonderful.

6. I really enjoy walking through residential Tokyo. When you limit yourself to big stations like Shinjuku, Shibuya, Harajuku, Roppongi, and pretty much anything on the Yamanote Line, you get the false image that Tokyo is jam packed with people. And in many ways, it is. But the residential areas are actually quite empty most of the times. And the buildings are lovely. The layout is wonderful. To most people, it probably isn't very exciting, but it's just so different visually from Montreal, and I just love it.

13.02.27

1. When I have school work to do, I'm too busy to work on personal projects. When I have the time, I just get depressed and get nothing done. Gotta find a way of changing this and being more productive in my spare time.

2. I have to stop comparing myself to others.

3. Whyyyy did they have to say thaaaat? Of all the things to encourage me to think positively about, that probably wasn't one.... baaaaah.... >_<

4. I have the fingers of an old lady... they're so dry and yucky and I keep running out of hand cream.... must save theeemmm...

5. Did I already mention the match cereal I found? because it's awesome. Kellog's Japan FTW.

13.02.25

1. I spend a lot of time thinking in complex monologues in my head, writing analytical theses without readers. Was planning to actually write something of value today. But then we had an earthquake at school this afternoon and I was totally just thrown off guard. I just really hate earthquakes more than most people realize and I just.. I don't know. People have been saying scary things for the last two years and I just want all the quakes to stop and for someone to reassure me that everything will be okay. But no one can do this and I just need to calm down and breathe and try to think positive or something.

2. I'm just so tired. Just a couple more weeks of school and I'm done my first year at Bunka, which is a crazy thought in itself. But still so much to get through. ファイティング！

3. Concentration at home comes in the form of American sitcoms played as background music while I work. It's too shameful to say what show I've moved onto, so let's just leave it at that for now lol.

4. My old roommate bought me this shampoo for my birthday and I'm not gonna lie, it's fantastic. I guess it's safe to say that a lot of my awful hair moments over the last few years can be directly tied to the shitty-ass cheap shampoo I usually buy. I'm scared to go see how much a bottle of this stuff costs lol. I worry about what will happen to my hair once I run out.

5. End of school year at Bunka means lots of student-run fashion shows to go see! Saw one today that was pretty awesome, and another two tomorrow! Hope when I graduate I'll be able to make super fucking awesome stuff like that!

6. I thought of something I really want to try and do, but I don't know how to ask so I don't come off as a creeper. Anyways, the thought arose today, so gotta think it over and make me a plan of action for the next couple of weeks.

7.  I want to actually start writing in my other blog. Build it up, promote it, do cool things. 

8. But first I gotta just survive the next few weeks. Over and out for tonight!

13.02.24

1. I don't understand people who send comments to people on tumblr saying shit like "I love you" or "Your blog inspires me" when the people only fucking post pictures that other people took. Dude, where's the inspiration there? Get lives, people, love your friends, your families, the music on the radio, whatever, but just, I don't even know. I just go to tumblr to look at pictures, man. Some blogs have nice pictures and I follow. Some don't and I don't follow.  But honestly, why? Why comment? I just don't get it.

2. Everyone in the province of Quebec just needs to chill. About everything. Yes, the English are oppressed. Yes, the French are oppressed. Everyone's oppressed! Let's just all take a breather and maybe look towards a beneficial solution instead of just posting hate everywhere. On both sides. Yes, I might live on the other side of the world, and so maybe everything just seems so much simpler when you don't have to deal with the problem directly. But fuck man, I'm tired of all the annoying crap that shows up on my FB all the time. Things like "I can't wait to leave this province", or "Thank God I left before it got like this". I understand you're all frustrated, and I've been there. But I just.. I just don't know. Honestly, nothing will ever get solved until BOTH the English AND the French school boards are abolished and replaced by a fully bilingual one. I honestly believe that is the only way of saving the province from a lot of problems and being able to move forward towards becoming a more accepting place for EVERYONE. Not just the English, not just the French, but EVERYONE. This is not open for discussion on this blog. I just need a place to rant because if I post this on FB (which I really would like to), it's going to become another political debate and I'm really not  looking for one of those right now. Pinky rant out.

3. I saw a guy carrying a meerkat dressed like donald duck, on his shoulder in the middle of Shibuya yesterday. You have no idea how much I regret not taking a picture. 

13.02.23

1. I've stopped going after guys. For the first time in a long time, I don't like anyone, which is significant because I usually like more than one guy at a time. But right now, no one, and it feels sort of refreshing. I hope I can keep this going for a while.

2. I saw you today and it was really fun. You were acting mean, but in a playful way, and it was really nice. I've missed this and I want to see you more. But I really feel like I've gotten over you in a big way. Not to say that there isn't hope for something in the future. But for now, I've put my feelings away somewhere. Not out of anger or bitterness, but maybe just out of fatigue. Not just for you, but for all guys. It's your turn if you want. And if you don't want then too bad for you. Just keep being fun, and I'll be happy.

3. How come it's taken me this long to buy Heattech from Uniqlo?! Absolutely worth the ¥790. Hot as shit in the metro though!

4. I really hope to God that all this weird health stuff is all stress-related. Positive thinking, positive thinking!

5. I love shoulder pads more than should probably be allowed. Hehehehehehehe ♡

6. I know some pretty cool people and gotta work harder to become a cool person myself. :)

13.02.17

"So A told me you told her you didn't want a girlfriend...?"

"Yeah..."

"That's bullshit, right?"

"Yeah... but, I mean, I really only had two options: Tell her I didn't want a girlfriend, or tell her I didn't want to date her."

And that's it, folks. It's as simple as that. After 25 years of being on the rejected side, and five minutes of talking with my friend, it really is just that simple. We complicate our lives by inventing stories and excuses and burying ourselves in denial and self-hate, when really, it's just that simple.

I mean, I've come to my own conclusions over the years, so I've learned that nine times out of ten, "I don't want a girlfriend" really is code for "I'm really sorry, but I just don't want to date you." But for my friend to just say it straight out, as we sat in the Bunka library and looked through pictures of runway models in fashion magazines, as if it really doesn't matter, was a little eye-opening.

We complicate life for ourselves, as girls. We look for excuses because the truth is frightening and hard to deal with. But really, maybe, just telling ourselves that, straight up, it's because we're incompatible, maybe we would see life differently. There is no fault here. People are just people trying to keep themselves as happy as possible. Most of the time, they don't want to hurt others for no reason. So maybe it's just time to let go of everything. And start to live more in the now and less in the 'what if.'

13.02.10

1. Finally bought myself a washing machine today! I am extremely bad at making decisions so I was very hesitant about it for a long time. So I decided to go for the cutest, smallest, cheapest one I could find. Let's hope to God it works well! Gotta wait almost a week for it to come in though... But at least it's on its way!

2. I decided to be one of those annoying "But I saw it cheaper at another store!" customers today. I've always sorta disliked people who did that. But, to be fair, there was a sign saying that "If another store sells it for even one yen cheaper, tell our staff!" Well their competitor was selling the same washing machine for ¥7000 cheaper (maybe about $80) so I thought it was fair. Got me free shipping too!

3. I really hate bad customer service. And as much as Japanese customer service is extremely good, as a gaijin, they tend to run away from you in big electronic stores. I know that they are afraid to approach me because they don't think they can communicate with me. But please at least try. If I'm looking at things like washing machines, it sure as hell doesn't mean I'm a tourist looking for a gift to bring home. Which means I live in Japan. Which means it isn't impossible for me to speak Japanese. So please just try. I do speak it. And you might even get the sale. But I really hate having to chase down employees who are clearly free to help customers. Please do your job to include helping ALL your customers, not just the ones of your choice. And I'll do my job as a customer to purchase things, encourage your business, and help you keep your job stable.

4. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to get up and get work done. I need to get out of my apartment more. I feel like I've sunken into living-alone-depression. I remember getting into this kind of awful rut the first time my roommate went back to Europe. Only it was like 10x worse that time. But it's hard living alone. It really is. As much as I do love my new little apartment, it isn't the same. I have no one to talk to. And I love to talk. To talk about mundane unimportant daily life stuff. And now that just has to stay in my head and ferment there.

5. I hate seeing talented people who are younger than me do awesome things with their lives. Or at least take charge. I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself these days and it's just no good.

6. I am so behind in school stuff that I just don't know what to do anymore. And I need to get another job to be able to afford school in the future. Cause I have no idea how I'm going to afford my third year. But I can't get another job if I can't get my work done. And I keep feeling like crap too. I've had a migraine for two days now and I'd be really surprised if it's gone by tomorrow. And I just have no energy ever and I'm just not sure how to deal with these relatively small things that I wonder how I'm going to survive the real world once I get out of school.

7. I'm trying to learn not to get angry about things that can't be changed. And to not ask questions to which I don't want to know the answers. But I feel this is just another form of denial.

13.02.04.

1. Ever since moving, I've been eating a lot. Which is good, because everyone seems quite concerned over the fact that I've apparently lost weight... (I haven't owned a scale since moving out of my parents' house, so what would I know...?) Still, I haven't been feeling super well, mainly because I eat like crap. But at least I'm actually eating stuff (crap or no crap), which is a start.

2. People have always been on my case over me being a picky eater. And I never gave it too much thought until recently. But I'm pretty sure I have this. If I didn't used to have it, I for sure seem to have developed it since moving to Japan. I have irrational fears of certain foods, and maybe because of my recent two months of mega stress, it's gotten much worse. Anyway, I think a simple allergy test would fix the problem (long story), I just need to find time to schedule a trip to the doctor's.

3. That and I want to go back on the Pill. Maybe it'll make the earthquakes stop. Which sounds like an extremely weird thing to say, but I'm not gonna lie, March 11, 2011 happened around my first period after coming off the pill.... And my periods always seem to predict earthquakes.... soooo.... maybe this will make them all go away? Heey, it's worth a shot, eh? :P

4. My hands are so fucking dry. And I've started stress-scratchin them too, which really doesn't help the situation... 

5. Man, this blog entry is turning out to be one of those look-at-all-the-things-that-are-wrong-with-me entries. But I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now! Just procrastinating from evil studying. Baah.

6. Survived my three-hour clothes-making written exam. I know I fucked part of it up, but I at least answered all the questions, so that's a good thing, right?

7. If I have another Korean classmate who speaks Japanese better than me tell me that they don't know how to read Kanji, I think I'm just gonna fucking blow up. These people are all very nice, and I do like them. And I don't mean to make this sound racist or anything. But come on, people. If white-y over here can learn to read Kanji AND learn a whole new set of vocabulary AND learn a whole new grammatical pattern, YOU can learn some Kanji, no? It just bothers me, because it's sooo much easier for them to learn Japanese and yet, they don't want to put in the effort to learn how to read properly. It drives me insane. I just can't comprehend it. If these were beginner students, I wouldn't say anything. Because we all have to start somewhere. But out of the three Koreans in my class, two who speak Japanese way better than me, all three of them have told me they can't read Kanji. I'm not saying you have to be able to read all of them. I know I can't. But at least learn how to read the ones we use in class. To tell me that the Kanji on the test were too hard for you to read just blows my mind. We've been using these characters all year, no?

8. Which reminds me, I failed JLPT N1 again. Wasn't all that torn up, actually. Went into the exam having only studied half-assed (was swamped in school assignments and low on motivation, what can I say?), and so I wasn't really expecting to pass. But I technically passed all three sections, just with a total mark too low to pass the exam. So maybe I'll try again in July. December is way too stressful a time of year to take these exams, that's what I learned this time. Just gotta think positively. And study lol.

9. Talking about studying, really not looking forward to my Fashion Business and History of Western Clothing exams tomorrow. I really don't know how to study anymore. I don't read my notes, I just look at the words and the drawings and the pictures in the text book. I might actually be fucked. Hmm.

10. On that note, lets give a final look to my notebooks, dry my hair, and go the fuck to bed. Good night, world!

A Long-Awaited Update

I really didn't plan on disappearing for two months, but here's what happened in a nutshell.

1. The first few weeks of December were extremely stressful. Long story short, I had two weeks to get a ton of neglected schoolwork done and handed in before heading back to Montreal for Christmas. At this time, my computer decides to die... as well... Baah. Anyways, go into turbo mode and manage to get everything in on time!

2. Literally the night I get home from handing everything in, I get stomach flu. Which sucks anytime, but is extremely worrisome when you get it only days before having to get on a huge international journey across the planet. I miraculously recover in time for my flight. There is a God.

3. Get on the scariest flight of my life. So. Much. Turbulence. Never ever want to experience that again.

4. Get back home to Montreal, have fun with family and friends for a week and a half. Lots of fun was had. Yay!

5. Literally within the first hour of landing back in Tokyo, I get a message from my roommate saying that we have a big problem with our apartment. Not wanting to give me the details over Line, he tells me that it has to do with us needing to move and that he'll tell me over coffee when I make it back to Shinjuku. Finally get told that we have one month to vacate our apartment and find a new place. But it's three days before New Years. Which means all the real estate agents are closed for the holidays. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if we were Japanese. Or full-time workers. But two gaijin students? Pretty much spells real estate disaster. Keep in mind, all this is being told to me fresh off the boat (or airplane), luggage still in hand. Baah.

6. Long story short: Panic mode and broken hearts. And a new computer. Things were complicated, so we ended up going for two different apartments. Which is sad, but I guess that's life.

7. I got a really cute apartment! THE BUILDING IS BRIGHT YELLOW! BRIGHT YELLOW! THEY BUILT THIS PLACE FOR ME!! :D

8. I officially now have internet in my apartment as of today. Yay!

9. In completely other news, I have finals this week and I need to find a way to motivate myself into studying. Planned on studying all day today, but the weather was sooo nice, I just couldn't stand the idea of staying cooped up (It was something like 15C! On February 2nd!!) So I walked around Harajuku, then came home and did bad things (i.e. watched my American TV shows...)

10. I really love Zooey Deschanel. I feel like this has to be said a lot. Because I really like her. And yeah. To keep me busy on the plane ride to Toronto (i.e. to keep me from freaking out during awful turbulence), I started watching New Girl. It's not the best show in the world, but I really love all the main characters, so I'm enjoying it.

11. Talking about New Girl, obviously my favorite character is the Jewish guy. For a Catholic girl like myself, I sure have liked a lot of Jewish guys in my life. I swear, if I don't end up marrying one, I think I might be a little disappointed. It's not that I have a fetish or anything though! lol It just that the guys I like often end up being Jewish. Nothing wrong with that :P

12. Thanks to Sa♡chan for the really nice reply on my last post. I really meant to respond, but then all the above crap happened and I just wasn't able to. But really, thank you! :)

I guess that's it for today. My ass is getting numb from sitting on the floor and my textbooks want some attention. Wish me luck on my finals! :)