13.08.15

The thing about having vaginismus is that it's not something you ever want to talk about. 

You reach a point when you think things are better or you just find a way of living in denial for a long time. You convince yourself that everything will be okay. Because you're awesome, so why shouldn't it be?

But then something makes you realize maybe, no matter how awesome you are, problems don't really fix themselves. Or that the progress you think you've made isn't as much as you would have hoped. 

But have you made any progress at all? I'd like to think so?

I listen to my friends talk about how difficult it is to find a boyfriend. Or how I should do this or do that. Or how it's hard for everyone. 

Maybe.

Maybe it is. But having this kinda crap doesn't help. And out of all my friends I'm the only one with this problem and so, as much as I love my friends and they love me, they can't understand how I feel and I can't understand them.

And at 25, I'm so sick of being the stupid virgin one of the group. Fuck, I'm in a class full of kids younger than me and I'm probably one of the only ones in my class who's never had sex.

Just think about that for a minute.

People say it doesn't change you. Or that it doesn't change anything. But somehow not being able to have sex changes everything. 

And from a normal person's perspective, saying "You should really think about getting help" or "You should see someone about it" only helps so much.  It's like me calling you out on all your problems. "Maybe you should get over all your childhood traumas, they can't be so bad!", "Maybe you should stop worrying about what people think of you!", "Maybe you should be more like this or that!", "You should see someone about all your anxieties!" 

If it were that easy to just go up to some sort of medical professional and talk to them about it, I would have already done it, you know.

I just hit a low point yesterday and I feel like I've rewound back to four years ago. I feel somewhat emotionally dead or empty or whatever you want to call it. 

I'm the kind of person who can talk forever about anything. But for once I really just don't want to talk about it. Not out loud. Not in chat. I just want to pretend that all this crap didn't exist. But I really needed to at least let part of my frustrations out, so this is what this blog entry is all about. I'm not especially ashamed or embarrassed about it, which is why I'm posting this, but that still doesn't mean I want to talk about it yet.

There's a lot about me that isn't right. But all I want is for some beautiful boy to tell me that none of that stuff matters and that he'll love me anyways. But every day I grow more skeptical that this can ever become a reality.