13.02.27

1. When I have school work to do, I'm too busy to work on personal projects. When I have the time, I just get depressed and get nothing done. Gotta find a way of changing this and being more productive in my spare time.

2. I have to stop comparing myself to others.

3. Whyyyy did they have to say thaaaat? Of all the things to encourage me to think positively about, that probably wasn't one.... baaaaah.... >_<

4. I have the fingers of an old lady... they're so dry and yucky and I keep running out of hand cream.... must save theeemmm...

5. Did I already mention the match cereal I found? because it's awesome. Kellog's Japan FTW.

13.02.25

1. I spend a lot of time thinking in complex monologues in my head, writing analytical theses without readers. Was planning to actually write something of value today. But then we had an earthquake at school this afternoon and I was totally just thrown off guard. I just really hate earthquakes more than most people realize and I just.. I don't know. People have been saying scary things for the last two years and I just want all the quakes to stop and for someone to reassure me that everything will be okay. But no one can do this and I just need to calm down and breathe and try to think positive or something.

2. I'm just so tired. Just a couple more weeks of school and I'm done my first year at Bunka, which is a crazy thought in itself. But still so much to get through. ファイティング！

3. Concentration at home comes in the form of American sitcoms played as background music while I work. It's too shameful to say what show I've moved onto, so let's just leave it at that for now lol.

4. My old roommate bought me this shampoo for my birthday and I'm not gonna lie, it's fantastic. I guess it's safe to say that a lot of my awful hair moments over the last few years can be directly tied to the shitty-ass cheap shampoo I usually buy. I'm scared to go see how much a bottle of this stuff costs lol. I worry about what will happen to my hair once I run out.

5. End of school year at Bunka means lots of student-run fashion shows to go see! Saw one today that was pretty awesome, and another two tomorrow! Hope when I graduate I'll be able to make super fucking awesome stuff like that!

6. I thought of something I really want to try and do, but I don't know how to ask so I don't come off as a creeper. Anyways, the thought arose today, so gotta think it over and make me a plan of action for the next couple of weeks.

7.  I want to actually start writing in my other blog. Build it up, promote it, do cool things. 

8. But first I gotta just survive the next few weeks. Over and out for tonight!

13.02.24

1. I don't understand people who send comments to people on tumblr saying shit like "I love you" or "Your blog inspires me" when the people only fucking post pictures that other people took. Dude, where's the inspiration there? Get lives, people, love your friends, your families, the music on the radio, whatever, but just, I don't even know. I just go to tumblr to look at pictures, man. Some blogs have nice pictures and I follow. Some don't and I don't follow.  But honestly, why? Why comment? I just don't get it.

2. Everyone in the province of Quebec just needs to chill. About everything. Yes, the English are oppressed. Yes, the French are oppressed. Everyone's oppressed! Let's just all take a breather and maybe look towards a beneficial solution instead of just posting hate everywhere. On both sides. Yes, I might live on the other side of the world, and so maybe everything just seems so much simpler when you don't have to deal with the problem directly. But fuck man, I'm tired of all the annoying crap that shows up on my FB all the time. Things like "I can't wait to leave this province", or "Thank God I left before it got like this". I understand you're all frustrated, and I've been there. But I just.. I just don't know. Honestly, nothing will ever get solved until BOTH the English AND the French school boards are abolished and replaced by a fully bilingual one. I honestly believe that is the only way of saving the province from a lot of problems and being able to move forward towards becoming a more accepting place for EVERYONE. Not just the English, not just the French, but EVERYONE. This is not open for discussion on this blog. I just need a place to rant because if I post this on FB (which I really would like to), it's going to become another political debate and I'm really not  looking for one of those right now. Pinky rant out.

3. I saw a guy carrying a meerkat dressed like donald duck, on his shoulder in the middle of Shibuya yesterday. You have no idea how much I regret not taking a picture. 

13.02.23

1. I've stopped going after guys. For the first time in a long time, I don't like anyone, which is significant because I usually like more than one guy at a time. But right now, no one, and it feels sort of refreshing. I hope I can keep this going for a while.

2. I saw you today and it was really fun. You were acting mean, but in a playful way, and it was really nice. I've missed this and I want to see you more. But I really feel like I've gotten over you in a big way. Not to say that there isn't hope for something in the future. But for now, I've put my feelings away somewhere. Not out of anger or bitterness, but maybe just out of fatigue. Not just for you, but for all guys. It's your turn if you want. And if you don't want then too bad for you. Just keep being fun, and I'll be happy.

3. How come it's taken me this long to buy Heattech from Uniqlo?! Absolutely worth the ¥790. Hot as shit in the metro though!

4. I really hope to God that all this weird health stuff is all stress-related. Positive thinking, positive thinking!

5. I love shoulder pads more than should probably be allowed. Hehehehehehehe ♡

6. I know some pretty cool people and gotta work harder to become a cool person myself. :)

13.02.17

"So A told me you told her you didn't want a girlfriend...?"

"Yeah..."

"That's bullshit, right?"

"Yeah... but, I mean, I really only had two options: Tell her I didn't want a girlfriend, or tell her I didn't want to date her."

And that's it, folks. It's as simple as that. After 25 years of being on the rejected side, and five minutes of talking with my friend, it really is just that simple. We complicate our lives by inventing stories and excuses and burying ourselves in denial and self-hate, when really, it's just that simple.

I mean, I've come to my own conclusions over the years, so I've learned that nine times out of ten, "I don't want a girlfriend" really is code for "I'm really sorry, but I just don't want to date you." But for my friend to just say it straight out, as we sat in the Bunka library and looked through pictures of runway models in fashion magazines, as if it really doesn't matter, was a little eye-opening.

We complicate life for ourselves, as girls. We look for excuses because the truth is frightening and hard to deal with. But really, maybe, just telling ourselves that, straight up, it's because we're incompatible, maybe we would see life differently. There is no fault here. People are just people trying to keep themselves as happy as possible. Most of the time, they don't want to hurt others for no reason. So maybe it's just time to let go of everything. And start to live more in the now and less in the 'what if.'

13.02.10

1. Finally bought myself a washing machine today! I am extremely bad at making decisions so I was very hesitant about it for a long time. So I decided to go for the cutest, smallest, cheapest one I could find. Let's hope to God it works well! Gotta wait almost a week for it to come in though... But at least it's on its way!

2. I decided to be one of those annoying "But I saw it cheaper at another store!" customers today. I've always sorta disliked people who did that. But, to be fair, there was a sign saying that "If another store sells it for even one yen cheaper, tell our staff!" Well their competitor was selling the same washing machine for ¥7000 cheaper (maybe about $80) so I thought it was fair. Got me free shipping too!

3. I really hate bad customer service. And as much as Japanese customer service is extremely good, as a gaijin, they tend to run away from you in big electronic stores. I know that they are afraid to approach me because they don't think they can communicate with me. But please at least try. If I'm looking at things like washing machines, it sure as hell doesn't mean I'm a tourist looking for a gift to bring home. Which means I live in Japan. Which means it isn't impossible for me to speak Japanese. So please just try. I do speak it. And you might even get the sale. But I really hate having to chase down employees who are clearly free to help customers. Please do your job to include helping ALL your customers, not just the ones of your choice. And I'll do my job as a customer to purchase things, encourage your business, and help you keep your job stable.

4. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to get up and get work done. I need to get out of my apartment more. I feel like I've sunken into living-alone-depression. I remember getting into this kind of awful rut the first time my roommate went back to Europe. Only it was like 10x worse that time. But it's hard living alone. It really is. As much as I do love my new little apartment, it isn't the same. I have no one to talk to. And I love to talk. To talk about mundane unimportant daily life stuff. And now that just has to stay in my head and ferment there.

5. I hate seeing talented people who are younger than me do awesome things with their lives. Or at least take charge. I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself these days and it's just no good.

6. I am so behind in school stuff that I just don't know what to do anymore. And I need to get another job to be able to afford school in the future. Cause I have no idea how I'm going to afford my third year. But I can't get another job if I can't get my work done. And I keep feeling like crap too. I've had a migraine for two days now and I'd be really surprised if it's gone by tomorrow. And I just have no energy ever and I'm just not sure how to deal with these relatively small things that I wonder how I'm going to survive the real world once I get out of school.

7. I'm trying to learn not to get angry about things that can't be changed. And to not ask questions to which I don't want to know the answers. But I feel this is just another form of denial.

13.02.04.

1. Ever since moving, I've been eating a lot. Which is good, because everyone seems quite concerned over the fact that I've apparently lost weight... (I haven't owned a scale since moving out of my parents' house, so what would I know...?) Still, I haven't been feeling super well, mainly because I eat like crap. But at least I'm actually eating stuff (crap or no crap), which is a start.

2. People have always been on my case over me being a picky eater. And I never gave it too much thought until recently. But I'm pretty sure I have this. If I didn't used to have it, I for sure seem to have developed it since moving to Japan. I have irrational fears of certain foods, and maybe because of my recent two months of mega stress, it's gotten much worse. Anyway, I think a simple allergy test would fix the problem (long story), I just need to find time to schedule a trip to the doctor's.

3. That and I want to go back on the Pill. Maybe it'll make the earthquakes stop. Which sounds like an extremely weird thing to say, but I'm not gonna lie, March 11, 2011 happened around my first period after coming off the pill.... And my periods always seem to predict earthquakes.... soooo.... maybe this will make them all go away? Heey, it's worth a shot, eh? :P

4. My hands are so fucking dry. And I've started stress-scratchin them too, which really doesn't help the situation... 

5. Man, this blog entry is turning out to be one of those look-at-all-the-things-that-are-wrong-with-me entries. But I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now! Just procrastinating from evil studying. Baah.

6. Survived my three-hour clothes-making written exam. I know I fucked part of it up, but I at least answered all the questions, so that's a good thing, right?

7. If I have another Korean classmate who speaks Japanese better than me tell me that they don't know how to read Kanji, I think I'm just gonna fucking blow up. These people are all very nice, and I do like them. And I don't mean to make this sound racist or anything. But come on, people. If white-y over here can learn to read Kanji AND learn a whole new set of vocabulary AND learn a whole new grammatical pattern, YOU can learn some Kanji, no? It just bothers me, because it's sooo much easier for them to learn Japanese and yet, they don't want to put in the effort to learn how to read properly. It drives me insane. I just can't comprehend it. If these were beginner students, I wouldn't say anything. Because we all have to start somewhere. But out of the three Koreans in my class, two who speak Japanese way better than me, all three of them have told me they can't read Kanji. I'm not saying you have to be able to read all of them. I know I can't. But at least learn how to read the ones we use in class. To tell me that the Kanji on the test were too hard for you to read just blows my mind. We've been using these characters all year, no?

8. Which reminds me, I failed JLPT N1 again. Wasn't all that torn up, actually. Went into the exam having only studied half-assed (was swamped in school assignments and low on motivation, what can I say?), and so I wasn't really expecting to pass. But I technically passed all three sections, just with a total mark too low to pass the exam. So maybe I'll try again in July. December is way too stressful a time of year to take these exams, that's what I learned this time. Just gotta think positively. And study lol.

9. Talking about studying, really not looking forward to my Fashion Business and History of Western Clothing exams tomorrow. I really don't know how to study anymore. I don't read my notes, I just look at the words and the drawings and the pictures in the text book. I might actually be fucked. Hmm.

10. On that note, lets give a final look to my notebooks, dry my hair, and go the fuck to bed. Good night, world!

A Long-Awaited Update

I really didn't plan on disappearing for two months, but here's what happened in a nutshell.

1. The first few weeks of December were extremely stressful. Long story short, I had two weeks to get a ton of neglected schoolwork done and handed in before heading back to Montreal for Christmas. At this time, my computer decides to die... as well... Baah. Anyways, go into turbo mode and manage to get everything in on time!

2. Literally the night I get home from handing everything in, I get stomach flu. Which sucks anytime, but is extremely worrisome when you get it only days before having to get on a huge international journey across the planet. I miraculously recover in time for my flight. There is a God.

3. Get on the scariest flight of my life. So. Much. Turbulence. Never ever want to experience that again.

4. Get back home to Montreal, have fun with family and friends for a week and a half. Lots of fun was had. Yay!

5. Literally within the first hour of landing back in Tokyo, I get a message from my roommate saying that we have a big problem with our apartment. Not wanting to give me the details over Line, he tells me that it has to do with us needing to move and that he'll tell me over coffee when I make it back to Shinjuku. Finally get told that we have one month to vacate our apartment and find a new place. But it's three days before New Years. Which means all the real estate agents are closed for the holidays. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if we were Japanese. Or full-time workers. But two gaijin students? Pretty much spells real estate disaster. Keep in mind, all this is being told to me fresh off the boat (or airplane), luggage still in hand. Baah.

6. Long story short: Panic mode and broken hearts. And a new computer. Things were complicated, so we ended up going for two different apartments. Which is sad, but I guess that's life.

7. I got a really cute apartment! THE BUILDING IS BRIGHT YELLOW! BRIGHT YELLOW! THEY BUILT THIS PLACE FOR ME!! :D

8. I officially now have internet in my apartment as of today. Yay!

9. In completely other news, I have finals this week and I need to find a way to motivate myself into studying. Planned on studying all day today, but the weather was sooo nice, I just couldn't stand the idea of staying cooped up (It was something like 15C! On February 2nd!!) So I walked around Harajuku, then came home and did bad things (i.e. watched my American TV shows...)

10. I really love Zooey Deschanel. I feel like this has to be said a lot. Because I really like her. And yeah. To keep me busy on the plane ride to Toronto (i.e. to keep me from freaking out during awful turbulence), I started watching New Girl. It's not the best show in the world, but I really love all the main characters, so I'm enjoying it.

11. Talking about New Girl, obviously my favorite character is the Jewish guy. For a Catholic girl like myself, I sure have liked a lot of Jewish guys in my life. I swear, if I don't end up marrying one, I think I might be a little disappointed. It's not that I have a fetish or anything though! lol It just that the guys I like often end up being Jewish. Nothing wrong with that :P

12. Thanks to Sa♡chan for the really nice reply on my last post. I really meant to respond, but then all the above crap happened and I just wasn't able to. But really, thank you! :)

I guess that's it for today. My ass is getting numb from sitting on the floor and my textbooks want some attention. Wish me luck on my finals! :)