13.08.15

The thing about having vaginismus is that it's not something you ever want to talk about. 

You reach a point when you think things are better or you just find a way of living in denial for a long time. You convince yourself that everything will be okay. Because you're awesome, so why shouldn't it be?

But then something makes you realize maybe, no matter how awesome you are, problems don't really fix themselves. Or that the progress you think you've made isn't as much as you would have hoped. 

But have you made any progress at all? I'd like to think so?

I listen to my friends talk about how difficult it is to find a boyfriend. Or how I should do this or do that. Or how it's hard for everyone. 

Maybe.

Maybe it is. But having this kinda crap doesn't help. And out of all my friends I'm the only one with this problem and so, as much as I love my friends and they love me, they can't understand how I feel and I can't understand them.

And at 25, I'm so sick of being the stupid virgin one of the group. Fuck, I'm in a class full of kids younger than me and I'm probably one of the only ones in my class who's never had sex.

Just think about that for a minute.

People say it doesn't change you. Or that it doesn't change anything. But somehow not being able to have sex changes everything. 

And from a normal person's perspective, saying "You should really think about getting help" or "You should see someone about it" only helps so much.  It's like me calling you out on all your problems. "Maybe you should get over all your childhood traumas, they can't be so bad!", "Maybe you should stop worrying about what people think of you!", "Maybe you should be more like this or that!", "You should see someone about all your anxieties!" 

If it were that easy to just go up to some sort of medical professional and talk to them about it, I would have already done it, you know.

I just hit a low point yesterday and I feel like I've rewound back to four years ago. I feel somewhat emotionally dead or empty or whatever you want to call it. 

I'm the kind of person who can talk forever about anything. But for once I really just don't want to talk about it. Not out loud. Not in chat. I just want to pretend that all this crap didn't exist. But I really needed to at least let part of my frustrations out, so this is what this blog entry is all about. I'm not especially ashamed or embarrassed about it, which is why I'm posting this, but that still doesn't mean I want to talk about it yet.

There's a lot about me that isn't right. But all I want is for some beautiful boy to tell me that none of that stuff matters and that he'll love me anyways. But every day I grow more skeptical that this can ever become a reality.

13.08.13

1. I like pictures more than written words.

2. It's amazing how when something is written in Japanese I can just look at it and gloss right over without reading or trying to read. Whereas when I look at something written in the roman alphabet, even if I can't understand the language, somehow my brain picks up on it and subconsciously tries to make sense of it all.

3. It's equally interesting that after speaking a language other than your native language all day, your tongue and the inside of your mouth just feel weird. If I speak French for a while my mouth feels one way, if I speak Japanese, it feels another. And when I switch back to English, once again, my mouth feels off. I understand that this is based on the fact that each language uses different parts of your mouth to form words, but it still blows my mind every time.

4. We had a day when it went up to 37C before factoring in the humidity. 37C. I was cooling my apartment down to 27.... which sounds hot except that it was a whole 10 degrees cooler in my apartment than in the outside world.

5. I heard a good story from my mom yesterday. I was telling my family that it was weird that for the last two summers I've had almost no mosquito bites even though everyone around me keeps getting eaten. She told me that she heard somewhere that apparently mosquitoes don't tend drink the blood of overly stressed out people. Don't know how scientific a study it was, but interesting piece of knowledge if you ask me.

6. I need to go back on the pill. Ive been saying this forever. I just need to fucking go get it done. I've been so unproductive this summer. But Im taking baby steps and I'm slowly starting to get places.

7. For example, I bought a storage unit for my place. I threw out some boxes. I got a small table. Nothing major, but things that had to get done. Still a long way to go though.

8. I don't know why but for the past few months this whole being single thing has started driving me crazy. It's like a weird obsession of mine and I dont know how to fix it. I just feel like it's time that I had someone there. Not just a friend, but a guy to just always be there. Or something like that. I don't fucking know. But somehow it seems so much easier for almost all of my other friends and I just don't get it. Everyone seems to get out of these long term relationships and have time to find someone new and I'm just still here, alone. And I wonder how this is even possible.

And everyone can just fucking stop saying "I don't understand why you are single" cause that really doesn't help the situation. I dont get it either. But apparently a lot of guys Im interested in do understand why there's something about me that they don't want to date, so fuck.

9. People say I'm too picky. Or that I go after the wrong guys. Maybe. But fuck I'm so unlike most people when it comes to what I do and don't like that I don't see what this should be any different.

10. I got some of the best boy advice ever the other day. Where has this advice been all my life?