I wanted to know more about you.
Know more about what you liked.
And why I seemed to no longer be one of those things.
But now, sometimes, I crave their sound.
But can't seem to separate you from it.
It calms me in the wrong way.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
14.08.27
I started listening to them because of you. You mentioned you liked them and I got curious.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
14.08.12
Remember that time we first spoke?
On the bench. At the bus stop. It's your first day of CEGEP. But not mine.
Remember that time you invited me out?
With the rugby team. To that sketchy old man's bar. You are underaged. But not me.
Remember how I'd go to your house?
We'd sit and drink beer and pretend we had grown up.
Remember how I invited you out that night?
To my friend's party. You didn't show. When I called you, you let your girlfriend answer.
Remember how we didn't talk for a long time?
Remember how I moved away?
And your messages started coming back. Silly messages. Provocative messages. Messages that make me smile.
Remember how we became friends?
Many, many years ago. Many miles ago. Many girlfriends and boyfriends ago. Many friends and acquaintances ago. Many tears, many laughs, many smiles ago.
On the bench. At the bus stop. It's your first day of CEGEP. But not mine.
Remember that time you invited me out?
With the rugby team. To that sketchy old man's bar. You are underaged. But not me.
Remember how I'd go to your house?
We'd sit and drink beer and pretend we had grown up.
Remember how I invited you out that night?
To my friend's party. You didn't show. When I called you, you let your girlfriend answer.
Remember how we didn't talk for a long time?
Remember how I moved away?
And your messages started coming back. Silly messages. Provocative messages. Messages that make me smile.
Remember how we became friends?
Many, many years ago. Many miles ago. Many girlfriends and boyfriends ago. Many friends and acquaintances ago. Many tears, many laughs, many smiles ago.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
14.07.02
"I once saw a shoe...," my mother would say.
The shoe of a man...
"... it was so scary..."
...who had jumped in front of a subway.
"So...?" I would say, "You didn't see it happen..."
But now I understand.
There is a curious kind of trauma that is caused by the sliver of time separating a person from witnessing a terrifying event. Five minutes too early. Ten minutes too late. But I was there. And now everything is different. And I'm not sure how to feel.
A man set himself on fire on Sunday.
2 pm.
Shinjuku, South Exit.
I went to the bank on Sunday.
1:30 pm.
Shinjuku, South Exit.
I looked towards Lumine and saw fire trucks. But there's been so much road work these days, I think. Nothing special. I head downstairs to pay my bills, and head underground towards the station.
I saw fire trucks.
30 minutes later they were used to put the flames out on a man who had climbed up onto the bridge at Lumine.
I must have seen the man. But I wasn't looking for him.
I must have walked by all the commotion, with only a thin wall protecting me from what was going on.
"I saw fire trucks," I told my parents.
"But it didn't happen to you," they said.
The shoe of a man...
"... it was so scary..."
...who had jumped in front of a subway.
"So...?" I would say, "You didn't see it happen..."
But now I understand.
There is a curious kind of trauma that is caused by the sliver of time separating a person from witnessing a terrifying event. Five minutes too early. Ten minutes too late. But I was there. And now everything is different. And I'm not sure how to feel.
A man set himself on fire on Sunday.
2 pm.
Shinjuku, South Exit.
I went to the bank on Sunday.
1:30 pm.
Shinjuku, South Exit.
I looked towards Lumine and saw fire trucks. But there's been so much road work these days, I think. Nothing special. I head downstairs to pay my bills, and head underground towards the station.
I saw fire trucks.
30 minutes later they were used to put the flames out on a man who had climbed up onto the bridge at Lumine.
I must have seen the man. But I wasn't looking for him.
I must have walked by all the commotion, with only a thin wall protecting me from what was going on.
"I saw fire trucks," I told my parents.
"But it didn't happen to you," they said.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
14.06.15
Everything reminds me of you.
There are remnants of you everywhere. The coat I saw you sewing dresses a mannequin. The finished products of those drafts you spoke to me about so lifelessly at that KFC that night we randomly grabbed supper together hang in the back room. The desk I sat at while you and her went to see that show, stuffing popcorn into cups. There was a big quake that day.
The desks outside where you and I sat not a month ago when so many things were still in the air. The desk at which you sat when you made that joke about the flowers. I see the others we went out with that night and I think of you.
The garbage can where you gave me such a cold look.
The desk you drew patterns that day I brought you chocolate.
The halls where you snubbed me time and time again.
The walk from the entrance to the convenient store that time we shared my umbrella. It's rainy season now too.
That time last year when we got to hear the 3rd years' presentations and I happened to walk in on yours. Today was my turn, you know. But of course, you weren't there.
It isn't love. But I fight the urge to send you messages every day. Maybe I'm just bored.
But...do you ever think of me?
There are remnants of you everywhere. The coat I saw you sewing dresses a mannequin. The finished products of those drafts you spoke to me about so lifelessly at that KFC that night we randomly grabbed supper together hang in the back room. The desk I sat at while you and her went to see that show, stuffing popcorn into cups. There was a big quake that day.
The desks outside where you and I sat not a month ago when so many things were still in the air. The desk at which you sat when you made that joke about the flowers. I see the others we went out with that night and I think of you.
The garbage can where you gave me such a cold look.
The desk you drew patterns that day I brought you chocolate.
The halls where you snubbed me time and time again.
The walk from the entrance to the convenient store that time we shared my umbrella. It's rainy season now too.
That time last year when we got to hear the 3rd years' presentations and I happened to walk in on yours. Today was my turn, you know. But of course, you weren't there.
It isn't love. But I fight the urge to send you messages every day. Maybe I'm just bored.
But...do you ever think of me?
Saturday, June 14, 2014
14.06.14
"I have to buy a gift for my friend...for his birthday..."
"Oh yeah? Well my birthday's coming up! You gonna buy me something?"
"No."
"...I see how it is..."
"I only buy presents for people I've known a long time. I've known him for over ten years. It hasn't even been a year since we've known each other. For all I know, I might forget who you are by the time next year rolls around."
"...?"
"A friend of mine from first year moved back to Korea and we didn't talk for a long time. He called me up the other day and I honestly couldn't even remember his name. People fade away over time."
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
14.05.14
"Everything was fine when we were all together. But when just the two of us went to the bank afterwards, it was so quiet and awkward and I just really don't know..."
"Do you think maybe he was just nervous?"
"...?"
"Nervous to be around you?"
Could this have all just been one big misunderstanding? I really don't have the energy to try this whole thing out again right now, but could it really just all be that simple?
"Do you think maybe he was just nervous?"
"...?"
"Nervous to be around you?"
Could this have all just been one big misunderstanding? I really don't have the energy to try this whole thing out again right now, but could it really just all be that simple?
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
14.04.07
You grabbed my shoulder. You grabbed my knee. You hugged me tight.
I stayed as long as I could.
You grabbed my arm. You joked with me.
I cut things short and left.
My heart is full of little things.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
14.04.01
1. You look stupid and ugly and I don't know why I still care.
2. You are so full of shit. Whenever you have a problem you call me and freak out and I listen and try to calm you down but when I linger over a problem that you consider insignificant you don't even dignify me with a response.
3. I know I have anxiety issues and I know that I tire everyone out with my constant worrying but just please bear with me, it's so much harder to deal with without you.
4. I don't think you understand how most people live their lives and it's just so frustrating.
5. People say shit like 'if you want something go out and get it' but do they realize that that only works in perfect situations? That doesn't work if you are constantly rejected by those you try to love. So please just keep to yourselves.
6. I found a fantastic breakfast restaurant today and i want the world to know.
2. You are so full of shit. Whenever you have a problem you call me and freak out and I listen and try to calm you down but when I linger over a problem that you consider insignificant you don't even dignify me with a response.
3. I know I have anxiety issues and I know that I tire everyone out with my constant worrying but just please bear with me, it's so much harder to deal with without you.
4. I don't think you understand how most people live their lives and it's just so frustrating.
5. People say shit like 'if you want something go out and get it' but do they realize that that only works in perfect situations? That doesn't work if you are constantly rejected by those you try to love. So please just keep to yourselves.
6. I found a fantastic breakfast restaurant today and i want the world to know.
Friday, March 21, 2014
14.03.21
"He needs someone who will love so much," she said.
Oh really, I thought. But I think I can give him that. I could love him if he let me.
If he just let me in.
But he walked away, again.
Oh really, I thought. But I think I can give him that. I could love him if he let me.
If he just let me in.
But he walked away, again.
Monday, March 17, 2014
14.03.17
"I don't care much for Japanese music," you said. "Maybe it's because I can understand the lyrics, but, it all just sounds the same. You grow tired of it."
The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. Lately I crave good music, and the only thing that seems to do is English stuff. But I understand the lyrics and I don't grow tired.
But then again I'm not you.
The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. Lately I crave good music, and the only thing that seems to do is English stuff. But I understand the lyrics and I don't grow tired.
But then again I'm not you.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
14.03.16
Where you thinking of me that night? Or was it her?
Did you want to see me? Or was she busy?
Or were you drunk and sad and alone?
Were you thinking of me when you got up and walked away?
When I told you I missed you.
When you sat next to her.
Why her.
I still don't hate you yet.
Did you want to see me? Or was she busy?
Or were you drunk and sad and alone?
Were you thinking of me when you got up and walked away?
When I told you I missed you.
When you sat next to her.
Why her.
I still don't hate you yet.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
14.03.08
I found a list of albums you posted and said were your personal albums of the year. I listened to a couple and they are fantastic. And it makes me want to see you again. It makes me want to talk to you. It makes me want to know that you don't hate me. That maybe you even love me.
But you probably don't.
Because you said you don't love anyone.
The thing about music is that you can fall completely and utterly in love with a song. The melody, the lyrics, the fantastic merging of instruments and voice. You can know in an instant that nothing can come between you.
I've never loved people the way I love some songs.
I remember being in your room. You would turn off the lights and just let the music play. And you'd hold me and we'd dance and in that instant everything was perfect.
I wonder sometimes about you, and how you are. But I wonder more about what that music was called. What it sounded like exactly.
I miss it more than you.
But you probably don't.
Because you said you don't love anyone.
The thing about music is that you can fall completely and utterly in love with a song. The melody, the lyrics, the fantastic merging of instruments and voice. You can know in an instant that nothing can come between you.
I've never loved people the way I love some songs.
I remember being in your room. You would turn off the lights and just let the music play. And you'd hold me and we'd dance and in that instant everything was perfect.
I wonder sometimes about you, and how you are. But I wonder more about what that music was called. What it sounded like exactly.
I miss it more than you.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
14.03.04
The thing I loved about you was not the way you would joke with me, or the fact that we were the same age. It was that look in your eyes that you would keep from most people. Where you looked so tired and lonely and emotionally beat.
For the last month or so we haven't spoken, and as much as I'm not one to talk about feelings or explain why I do things, I feel like if we just sat down and you gave me the time to explain a couple of things, maybe we could get past this weird limbo we're in. Because I feel like it's all just a big misunderstanding.
Today, as I passed you in the hallway, I looked at you and you looked at me, and you greeted me with the same blank, exhausted face that I was wearing. Without saying a word I raised my hand as if to say hello and you did the same back. No smiles, no words.
No logic.
Monday, February 3, 2014
14.02.03
You get out of bed and turn on some music. The records that came in last night.
I hear water running. I see light.
I wait before I get up to join you. Do I join you? I feel completely alone. But you're there.
I find you on the floor in the kitchen. Smoking a cigarette.
We don't speak. You barely look at me.
I take a seat on the couch and say nothing.
The scene that runs through my head all day and all night.
I am in love. Not with you, but with the distance between us. The lack of connection. The awkward pain that seems to linger.
You feel further every day.
I hear water running. I see light.
I wait before I get up to join you. Do I join you? I feel completely alone. But you're there.
I find you on the floor in the kitchen. Smoking a cigarette.
We don't speak. You barely look at me.
I take a seat on the couch and say nothing.
The scene that runs through my head all day and all night.
I am in love. Not with you, but with the distance between us. The lack of connection. The awkward pain that seems to linger.
You feel further every day.
Friday, January 3, 2014
14.01.03
1. I wonder if I'm not too young to be this bitter about things.
2. I went home for Christmas and that was great and all, but I'm realizing I'm having more and more trouble connecting to people. I don't know if Tokyo has made me cold, or if too much time has passed.
3. Coming back to Tokyo meant coming back to all my fears and paranoia apparently. Not sure what to do to be honest...
4. Just to be clear, these paranoias are not brought on by living in Tokyo. But going back to Tokyo meant going back to real life, thus back to all the problems I left behind when I went home for Christmas. Not great, but that's life and I guess I'll just have to deal with things one at a time.
5. I was freaking out about having to renew my gaijin card for the last month or so, then showed it to M at Starbucks today and he was like 'Yo this is good till 2015... YOU HAVE ANOTHER YEAR YOU KNOW!' Somehow I had completely forgotten about the existence of 2014.... Whoops.
6. My mother fabric softened my Morrissey sweater. I don't know how Morrissey would think of all this.
7. After losing most of my music in the great laptop crash of 2012, I was finally reunited with a bunch of old music over the holidays. And not gonna lie, my collection of super early Bowie stuff (circa late 60s, early 70s) is pretty much the best thing ever right now. Most people only know his major stuff or his popular stuff, which is obviously great, but his very first album is just adorable and cute and baaah.
2. I went home for Christmas and that was great and all, but I'm realizing I'm having more and more trouble connecting to people. I don't know if Tokyo has made me cold, or if too much time has passed.
3. Coming back to Tokyo meant coming back to all my fears and paranoia apparently. Not sure what to do to be honest...
4. Just to be clear, these paranoias are not brought on by living in Tokyo. But going back to Tokyo meant going back to real life, thus back to all the problems I left behind when I went home for Christmas. Not great, but that's life and I guess I'll just have to deal with things one at a time.
5. I was freaking out about having to renew my gaijin card for the last month or so, then showed it to M at Starbucks today and he was like 'Yo this is good till 2015... YOU HAVE ANOTHER YEAR YOU KNOW!' Somehow I had completely forgotten about the existence of 2014.... Whoops.
6. My mother fabric softened my Morrissey sweater. I don't know how Morrissey would think of all this.
7. After losing most of my music in the great laptop crash of 2012, I was finally reunited with a bunch of old music over the holidays. And not gonna lie, my collection of super early Bowie stuff (circa late 60s, early 70s) is pretty much the best thing ever right now. Most people only know his major stuff or his popular stuff, which is obviously great, but his very first album is just adorable and cute and baaah.
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