When two potential love interests are nullified one day after the other, you can't help but feel a little disappointed.

Even if one you had long given up on, and the other you knew wasn't going to go anywhere in the first place.

Somehow disappointment is inevitable either way.

I feel like if I go back in September, that would be me giving up.

But some days I just want to give up.

I'm so lost.

Today's Thoughts

Today's been a thinking day. So time for some show and tell.

- I'm bad at living, but good at living vicariously through others.

I don't know how to explain it better than that. I don't do, I observe. I wonder what it's like. I imagine. I imagine wonderful things.

Reality is hard to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully enter into it. In some ways, it's sort of sad that I feel so disconnected and incapable of becoming a regular member of society. In other ways, I'm pretty happy with the way things are. Further reflection is required.

- Anyone who has time to lament the Stanley Cup results deserves a slap in the face

Not gonna lie, I'm still in mega-apathy mode.

I understand some people have a profound interest in sports. I also understand that I am not one of those people. However, ANYONE who talks about how TRAGIC it is that Vancouver lost to Boston deserves a slap in the face. There is nothing tragic about grown men playing a fucking game. Men who make millions of dollars to play a fucking game broadcast on TV. Had mid-game, the arena caught fire and everyone would have died, that would have been tragic. But this was not the case. If you want to see tragedy, pull open CNN.com or any similar news site and see all the people who are suffering in the world.

Just fuck off with your bullshit.

- I don't hate children, but...

I don't exactly like them either. I've realized that my feelings towards children and why they make me uneasy are extremely complex. Except when it comes to babies. I honestly do not think of them as cute in any way, shape or form. Ew.

But kids... kids are different. What I dislike about them is not that they're loud and annoying and run around without realizing the presence of other people. I dislike that they represent a kind of very short-lived innocence, and that in itself is extremely sad.

That's it. Kids make me really sad. Because you see them running around, smiling, and having fun. And not fully understanding the world around them. They don't know what they will become.

Adults are often categorized by society as being "good" or "bad" due to social norms imposed upon them. But every single adult evolved from its slightly smaller, younger self, the child. But how does someone who was so "cute" and "innocent" become someone like a murderer? a thief? an adulterer?

I'm sure if someone showed you a picture of Hitler as a child, you'd probably think he was cute too. How does someone so small become such an influential piece in world history?

When I see children, I don't see them as children. I see them as soldiers heading into the war we call The World. How many of them will end up with social or psychological problems? How many of them will take their own lives? How many of them will become the target of abuse? How many will become abusers themselves? How many of them will cheat on their spouse? How many of them will die of sickness? How many of them will become druggies, alcoholics, prostitutes?

This being said, when people post baby photos of themselves on Facebook, I am forced to think things like, "How did that small girl become such a big slut?" and other equally negative comments.

The horrible thing about children is that they grow up. Every child is literally a "Kinder Surprise" when you think about it (not literally chocolate, but literally the name of said chocolate). And they're figuratively like the chocolate as well. You buy a Kinder Surprise, not for the chocolate, but for the shitty toy you're going to get inside. Sometimes you end up with a so-so toy, but often your reaction is simply, "Seriously? This is the toy I get? Lame..." And then you eat the chocolate and are equally disappointed.

In the same way that every child one day realizes that their parents are human and make mistakes, in the same way that every child hates their parents at some point in their lives, I can't help but think that every parent at some point, looks at their child and thinks, "Seriously? Is this the child I got? Lame..."

So let's try and form a general conclusion, shall we?

Life is full of disappointments. Does that mean we should stop living? No. But does that mean we should look at the world somewhat differently? Maybe. At the very least, we should try and put what we're saying into perspective. Life is a lot bigger (and more complex) than we think.

Long blog posts are bad for sleep but good for soul...

Today was a sort of mixed day.

It started off not especially well and I feel like it's ending on a somewhat uneasy note as well. But the yuckiness sandwiches the fun afternoon I had. So it wasn't all bad.

This morning started off like every morning for the last few weeks. Which is to say, I slept in later than I should. I still get to school on time... but it's becoming more and more ギリギリ.

Because I got to school later than I usually do, I decided to skip my coffee, which is always a bad idea. So this being said, the first half of class was especially difficult to get through. So as I tried my best to pretend to be interested in what was going on in class through foggy, uncaffeinated eyes, my teacher started talking about how she isn't too happy with our class. I think it was meant to be some sort of "get your act together" pep talk, but it totally had the opposite effect on me. She said that most of us aren't improving, which kind of hurt.

Now, I don't think she was really directing this towards me. It was probably meant for the people who barely show up to class, who never hand in homework, who don't participate. But lately my grades have gone slightly down, I'm not getting enough sleep, I skip out on some of the homework and I have very little motivation.

And I don't feel like my Japanese is improving on a regular basis. So hearing my teacher tell the class that we aren't improving was not a good start to the day.

We break for recess, and I get my much needed coffee and meet up with a friend. Over the weekend, him and some other girl in his class apparently told the beautiful Korean guy that I've been pining over for months now about said pining. Oh well, whatever, I thought at first. But of course, this friend doesn't like to just leave things as is... He somehow always finds a way to make me feel like shit. So that being said, he continues the story. "He said he didn't really notice... cause he doesn't notice girls who don't confess [their feelings] to him. And that he doesn't really care for girls who can't confess to his face.... Oh, and btw, he doesn't like virgins. He likes girls with experience."

HUH? Since when is it okay to make assumptions about my sexual history? Do we want to go there? Really?

But then it got me to thinking, are all guys of a certain age like this? Did I miss the "let's get a ton of sexual experience" boat? Fuck, finding a boyfriend really is like finding a job, no? No one wants to hire someone without experience. Though, no one really wants to hire someone who's overqualified either, right...?

So between the "you're not good enough at Japanese" quasi-pep talk, and the "your lame and are clearly not qualified to date SJ" reminder, I was in a wonderful mood during class today...

The afternoon turned out to be surprisingly fun though. A girl from my class was going the same way as me as I was leaving, so we metro'ed together to Ikebukuro, went to the candy shop she wanted to, then went to a cafe to study. In reality, I got very little school work done. But I had a really good time hanging out with her, and got to speak Japanese pretty much the whole time too.

What I like about this girl is that she's sort of like me, in the sense that, there aren't many people of her nationality in school. She's Malaysian, but is often grouped together with the Chinese students, because she speaks Chinese too. Her Japanese isn't perfect, but she has a large vocabulary, and is super friendly.

What is difficult about talking to the Koreans in my class (i.e. the majority of my classmates) is that they're all multiple times better than me at Japanese, so not only do I feel embarrassed by the quality of my own Japanese, but I honestly can't understand them half the time (due to said higher quality language abilities). This girl is definitely better than me at Japanese, but she makes mistakes too, and that's somewhat comforting. And she speaks English too, so when I need to use an English word or expression, it works out. I hope I get to hang out with her more in the coming semester :)

What made tonight somewhat yucky was trying to write my speech for Wednesday's class. I have to talk about some sort of social news thing of my choice, and I was going to do it on PTSD in post-earthquake Japan... but not only can I not find any real concrete facts (if they even exist) about the number of people that have been effected by the 3/11 quake, but just reading the info sort of makes me feel uneasy. Because it really is PTSD that I'm going through.

Reading through the symptoms makes me wonder if my whole lack of motivation is somewhat related to that. Or am I just blaming too many things on one single event? It's really hard to tell, and just thinking about it makes me somewhat uneasy.

I wish everything in life were clear sometimes. Can't I just pee on a stick and it can turn one colour for PTSD and another colour for "it's just you"?

Best Friend, Best Friend, 大切な人

It's amazing how many times I've watched this video in the last few days. To be honest, I sort of found it by accident while trying to find another version of the song. Despite its being 10 minutes long, I decided to watch it anyways, and I can't seem to stop watching it.

It's not that the song is that amazing. Lyrically, it's pretty simple, and would never fly as an English-language pop song. But that's the joy of JPOP... it's not really trying to be English Pop. And that's OK.

But that's besides the point.

For the first 6 minutes or so, you listen to the members of SMAP talk about how that night was the last night of their tour, and how the year before was tough because one of their members had to leave the band for a while.

After all five members say their little spiel, the song starts. And this is where my love for SMAP multiplies tenfold. Nakai can't even get through the first line without starting to cry. If you listen to the song, you'll notice that every sing one of them either sings like they're holding back tears, or has to stop singing at some point. According to someone in the video's comments, all the people behind the stage were crying as well. Fuck, if I were there, I'd probably cry too.

I've watched so many SMAP videos over the last few months, and this is not the first time I see them get emotional in public. But the fact that every single member gets affected in this particular video is sort of adorable. You just want to give them all a hug!

OH YOU PRETTY, GROWN MEN! HOW YOU WARM LITTLE PINKY'S COLD HEART!

今日、ナンパされた

So I got nanpa'ed today. Pretty hardcore. It was not pleasant.

I often joke with my friends that I want pretty boys to nanpa me. But the version of 'nanpa' that exists in my head involves really hot ikemen, and lack of sketchy-ness. Of course, that's fantasy nanpa.

Real nanpa isn't so fun.

I had been nanpa'ed once in Ikebukuro station, but I was with a friend, so eventually when it started to get sketch, she grabbed my arm and we walked quickly towards our exit. But the guy totally didn't get the hint that I wasn't interested by me walking off. Or, he just chose to disregard that, which is the more likely scenario. He simply kept walking at my pace. Assertive little guy, he was.

But today's scene was different. I was hanging around one of the main exits of Shinjuku station, waiting for a friend. I was pretty early so I just stood against one of the pillars reading one of my JLPT N2 prep grammar books, minding my own business. When BAM some guy who looks like he's in his mid-to-late thirties comes up to me and asks me if I speak Japanese. Now I know that in this situation, the wise thing to do is play the dumb foreigner and say "no," but I really hate that idea, so I said "yes." Though, to be fair, there was no way for me to say "no" anyway... the book I was reading was entirely in Japanese, and he asked me in English... so for all I know, he could speak English too, which would have yielded the same end-result. At least this way I got to practice my Japanese, right?

But that's besides the point. Nanpa is pretty serious sketchy business. He kept asking me for my phone mail address (which is pretty much the Japanese way of texting), or for us to go for a drink, which the answer was 'no' every time. But he wouldn't leave me alone. I tell him I have a boyfriend. I tell him I'm going back to Canada in July. I tell him I'm meeting up with my friend soon. The fact that A and B are a lie mean nothing to him. He keeps asking if we can go grab a drink while I wait for my friend. I decline over and over. The whole thing went on for a good 10-15 min, if not longer. And I was almost pinned against the pole, that's how close he was to me. I kept looking at the station guard with 'please-help-me' eyes, but that did absolutely nothing. Finally, my friend showed up and we ran away from him, because if not he was going to ask my friend if he could come out with us, which I obviously did not want.

Now, Japan is a pretty safe place and all, and had I not been waiting for a friend, I would have simply walked off, and in theory I would have been alright... But when you think about it, nanpa is only a step away from forced-consented rape. When someone asks you over and over again, eventually you'll say yes just to get yourself out of the situation, no? But in this case getting yourself out of one situation simply leads to another even worse situation. This guy was pretty aggressive... and I'm sure they get even worse.

And from what I noticed today, no one around you tries to help out. Okay, the station guard was far enough away to not be able to hear what we were talking about. But there were people all around us (keep in mind, this is Shinjuku station, the busiest train station in the world), and we were speaking in Japanese, so I'm sure that people were listening...

What is it that causes others to not intervene? Is it apathy? Is it the curiosity to see what naturally comes next? Could they possibly think that I already knew this guy and that I was in a safe environment? I'd like to think that if it got really bad and I were to scream or something, someone should theoretically come to my aid.

Actually talking about strangers helping strangers in Japanese train stations, a few weeks ago, I saw an old man collapse in Shinjuku-Sanchome Station. At first I thought he had just slipped (the floor was wet due to rain), but he stayed down for a while. My next assumption was that he was having a seizure. He was twitching, but not convulsing. Realistically, he probably had a stroke or heart attack. I didn't stick around to see if survived the whole thing, realistically there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him, but strangers did call station people over to do what they could.

So how can I conclude these experiences? Some public events call for outside help. Others do not. Unfortunately, the one in need of said help is not the one to judge if help is received.

Kimutaku Videos for Mental Health

I've been really out of it lately, so here's some fun Kimutaku solo songs that make me happy. And they should make you happy too.

And of course, best for last:

SMAP for the PEOPLE

I know it's completely anti-setsuden and perhaps selfish of me to think this way, but I'm really happy that they've started turning on the giant Softbank CM TV in Shinjuku again.

It felt wonderful to walk out of Citibank today to "The Locomotion", knowing that on that screen many feet above me, my hubby and friends were promoting new phones.

It's been almost three months, but Japan is starting to go back to normal. Setsuden is still being promoted and practiced in a lot of places, but little by little, all the lights are coming back, and it's wonderful.

I think I may have underestimated my own post-earthquake depression as well. I really wasn't well for a long time, both physically and psychologically. I'm still not 100% back to normal. My body still shakes a lot, and I still feel somewhat uneasy about riding elevators or being underground. But I'm getting better.

What happened on March 11 wasn't just an earthquake and a tsunami. It wasn't just the beginning of what would be weeks of nuclear fears and months of earthquakes. Thousands of them. It was tens of thousands of people dying a few hours' drive from where I'm sitting right now. It was the disappearance of my own friends and acquaintances, as they went back home almost overnight. It was the emptying of my dorm complex. It was Shinjuku and Shibuya in the dark. It was people trying to tear me apart from the city I love.

The earthquake was not just something that happened on March 11th. It's still alive and well here. You can't go into a combini without seeing magazines with photos of earthquake and tsunami destruction. You can't go into a bookstore without passing a huge section of books about earthquake safety and nuclear energy. You can't go to a coffee shop without hearing people utter the words "earthquake" or "nuclear." You can't meet someone new without being asked "Where were you during the earthquake? Weren't you scared? Didn't you want to go home?"

And you can't let it stop you from living.

There's something horrible about telling your friends about your different social networking sites.

The places you once used to harbour your rawest thoughts and ideas must consequently become censored to avoid conflict, misunderstandings, and other fun stuff of the like.

I know that every one of us is flawed and I am no exception to this. But I can't help feeling deceived anyways.

It's disgusting how self-centered we all are.

If I were a university website....

If I were a university website, the very first thing on my site would be my application deadline dates.

Because if I were a university website, I'd want people to be able to apply to my school properly and on time so I can have business.

Then, right under that, I'd write all the required documentations and certificates and all that kind of fun stuff so that potential applicants would know what criteria they needed to fulfill before entering my institution.

I wouldn't hide all the really important things in random corners of my website so that only the really dedicated would find it.

Yup, that's what I'd do if I were a university website.

More 悩むこと

Hang out with grad students, want to become a grad student.

Hang out with English teachers, want to become an English teacher.

This is why I find it difficult to ask others for advice. Providing they like what they're doing, people will often promote their field of expertise to those seeking answers. And if you're like me, which is to say, without her own goal, then you eat up these words and everything just sounds like doable good ideas.

There's no right or wrong answer. But I need to find the best answer for me.

Back to square one, it seems.

悩むこと

If I had to describe things these days, I think they only word that could really sum up my emotions is "ugh."

It's not that there's anything wrong right now. It's just... deciding one's future is complicated and stressful. And school hasn't been especially easy these days either.

I've been contemplating all kinds of plans for September, and although all of them seem OK, I can't seem to find the one that fits the best.

I've been seriously contemplating grad school lately and so far I feel like it fits the best... but it's not a perfect fit. And I'm way too late to apply for September/October.... which means potentially waiting around till April if I want to study in Japan, or until the following September if I want to study in Canada.

It's not that I'm in any real rush... but as much as I don't want to face the real world, the idea of waiting around for life to start isn't especially appealing either.

I've been meeting with a grad student at the university near my place, and she's been encouraging me to apply as a research student to fill the gap between September and April... but in order to apply I need to get my shit together ASAP. If I knew 100% that grad school was my calling then I wouldn't be so hesitant... but part of me is just tired of school and wants to find a job and make money....

What do.