12.11.03

1. I don't know what the hell is wrong but I feel so stuck and I hate going home because I just don't want to do anything and I don't want to work and I can't motivate myself to do anything fun either and all my friends are busy and I just get super depressed and it sucks.

2. And I only ever try to talk to certain people because when I get into these moods I don't want to talk to anyone that I have to explain too many things to. Or that I have to try too hard with. I just want someone to keep me distracted from all the shit that's not right in my head. And so I need people I just feel calm around. But there are just so few of these people and they're all so busy and I end up alone all the time.

3. I hate being alone. I hate groups of people. All I want is one other person to be with me when I'm in these sorts of moods.

4. I'm so afraid of eating food that's gone bad that even food that hasn't past its due date becomes questionable. I'm always afraid of eggs and milk. And I had an egg today that was sorta raw, which is usually not a problem, but it's been in my fridge for a while but still technically good and now I'm paranoid.

5. I'm so paranoid about everything.

12.10.28

1. I feel like a large part of why I often feel unhappy is that I don't know what I want. And I expect too much of people. And so I'm constantly getting hurt and frustrated and disappointed. This needs to be fixed.

2. I don't really like Halloween.

3. I don't like foreigner bars.

4. I don't like Sundays.

5. As much as I like soy milk, there's something nice about drinking real cow milk.

6. I love packages from home.

7. I decided to live dangerously and cut off all my hair at a salaryman hair-cutting place. Turned out not so bad.

8. I'm starting to think that I really do have an eating disorder. But that's about as much as I want to talk about it for now.

I thought of you yesterday. I sat on the railing where we said our goodbyes.

That place reminded me of you way before we ever even met there. Because of the signs. Because of the people. The area wreaks of memories and hopes and dreams and comfort and love and sadness of what never was.

The thing is that no matter how much I think I've moved on, you're always there in the back of my mind. 

I'm not ready to let go completely.

I want to see you. I want to talk. I want to feel like I matter to you.

When will we meet again?

12. 10. 23

1. I've been trying to be a more positive person these days. But today it just isn't really working.

2. I really want to punch a lot of people in the face right now. But it's hard through a computer screen.

3. If you can solve the problem with a google search, don't ask me. I really don't mind helping out a friend, but really, use some common sense, please. And if you're going to not even try to have a conversation with me before or after or even thank me then just what the hell. Just because I'm online doesn't mean I'm waiting to be of your service.

4. I've heard two really sad stories in two days and I can't seem to shake either of them. And I feel so guilty to feel so sad over them. Because who am I to make myself the victim in this? There are so many more people who are directly involved and are probably taking it better than me. How self-centered am I, really? Fuck.

5. I bought a giant stuffed Green Man (from Toy Story) and I feel no regrets about this.

6. School has become really hard. Not the work but finding the motivation to get things done. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

7. I skipped my first classes since starting at Bunka yesterday to go see the doctor. At first I felt really guilty about skipping class (because attendance is pretty much THE most important thing in school in Japan), but after I did it I felt unbelievably free. (And the doctor's appointment went well, so that helped too). So I absolutely made the right decision.

8. Boys are still complicated. I need more male Japanese friends to help me interpret things. Or perhaps I should start going after guys who are less vague and confusing. But alas, Japan is the country of vague men, so no luck there. All part of cultural learnings, I guess.

9. My roommate and me always tend to get things from back home at the same time. It's very curious. He gets home from Switzerland tomorrow (hopefully equipped with chocolaty goods!) and I just got a mail from my dad saying that a package was just sent from Canada. It's happened like 4 or 5 times total since I've moved in. And it isn't just holiday-related either. Maybe it's an Italian-mother connection? lol

12.10.17

1. Can't concentrate on anything.

2. Tummy feels icky.

3. I don't do well with stress.

4. I don't really know why I'm stressed. And I'm sorta banking on the fact that this whole feeling unwell business is stress-, and not sick-, related. I know there are a couple of things upsetting me right now, but I don't know why either of them would leave me feeling like this. But then again, this is me, and this is stress, and it's all very possible. Being an obsessive-compulsive hypochondriac with low tolerance to stress is all kinds of fun. So I never really feel all that well. And I'm sure my poor diet doesn't help with this either.

5. I'm really fucking tired and I should just sleep. But I probably won't and probably can't sleep well in this state anyways.

6. So that awful Celine Dion ad on the Yamanote Line has been replaced with a wonderful Kimutaku one instead. It goes without saying that I'm ecstatic.

7. Kimutaku releasing a new drama = Kimutaku on all the magazine covers = A very happy Christina.  Also this drama is the first drama since Mr. Brain where he has nice hair (though it was a tad too long in Mr. Brain, but still...) His hair at this length is perfect. He looked way too old in Nankyoku Tairiku and Tsuki no Koibito. But yeah. He looks good. Ehehe. Let's just hope that this drama doesn't make me cry as much as Nankyoku Tairiku did. Man, that one was brutal lol. Anyways I think it starts next week? It should be fun to watch dramas again :)

More Life

1. I eat a lot of bananas. They are pretty much the cheapest fruit you can buy in Japan.

2. I don't ever want to move out of this apartment. But I'm going to have to eventually. Baaah T__T

3. I really like coffee shops. And cafes. And I want to spend every day just sitting in little cafes and talking with friends or reading or studying or drawing or whatever.

4. I was just thinking "man, my roommate sleeps in late" and then I realized it was 9 am and it's actually very normal to be sleeping in till 9 am on a Sunday. I accidentally left all my alarms on this morning, so I got up at 7. Oh well. Gonna try to get ready quickly and head off to my nearest coffee shop and do some studying about material.

5. That material class is really fucking hard and boring. It's like science, but in Japanese. Eff. Gotta study though if I wanna actually pass this class. Faitooo!

6. I don't eat nearly enough katsudon. Or tonkatsu. And this should be fixed immediately.

7. I want to do more things. I want to go out more. I want to work harder. I want to take more walks. I want to discover more about where I live. I want to learn more. I want to talk more. I want to meet more people.

8. I really like finding out about people's lives. That makes me sound like a big creeper, but I really like knowing the tiny details about people. It makes them more three-dimensional.

9. I talk a lot about myself because I feel bad asking people questions about them. Because I'm bad at filtering and stuff and I don't know when things get too personal and when I should stop and not pry. But I really do like to listen to people. So tell me things, yes?

Life

I'm way too distracted these days to write long posts, so I think I'll steal Akane's format and just make lists for a while. They're pretty good at supplying the world with updates.

So:

1. I took a nice long walk all around Shibuya Ward today. I like seeing how the big parts of the city attach to the little parts and I love just walking in a straight line and seeing where it takes me.

2. I should have done 1 without carrying my 5kg bag on my shoulder the whole time. Three hours of lugging that bag around wasn't the best idea ever. My right shoulder will be all kinds of worse tomorrow morning. Eff.

3. Life is a matter of perspective. A few days ago there was a 3.9 earthquake in Montreal and my FB was flooded with updates. The next day there was 5.0 earthquake in Chiba during class and my teacher  just looked up, said "oh, it's an earthquake" and everyone went back to doing what they were doing. And being on the seventh floor of the building, it shook quite a bit.

4. I really fucking hate PTSD. A year and a half later, I'm still shaking a lot. So everyone in Montreal talking about how "exciting" the earthquake was can go shove it.

5. Boys will forever be a mystery to me. It doesn't matter how old I get or how old they get. I don't get them. The end.

6. Everywhere I went today, I saw mixed couples and their children. Everywhere. I must have seen like a dozen of Gaijin-Japanese couples (and even a few that were Gaijin-Woman-Japanese-Man couples, which are extremely rare for those of you who don't know). Seeing couples isn't that weird. But, I swear, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAD KIDS WITH THEM. It was odd.

7. Autumn will never really come to Tokyo. It went up to like 25C or so today. But before you know it it's gonna get cold and it'll be winter. The nice-weather seasons really don't last in Tokyo and it's sad.

8. I'm happy with where I am right now. Things aren't easy and I'm very confused about what I want and where I'm going. But when I sit down and think about where I've gotten, I'm really kind of amazed. I need to work hard to keep this.

One thing I like about growing up is realizing how complex everyone's lives really are.

As a kid you see the world and you often wonder why things are the way they are. Why is aunt so-and-so not married? Why did the couple next door never have kids? Why does so-and-so work a minimum wage job at thirty? Why did the couple across the street get divorced? Why did so-and-so have to move away?

They're mundane things, really, and as a kid they don't mean anything to you. Because they don't concern you. But you wonder.

But as you get older, become an adult, so much more becomes clear.

You see your friends and acquaintances in these situations. And some how it all makes sense.

You might never know why things are the way they are. But you can make guesses. Because you yourself probably fit into one of those mystery adult categories.

And somehow, no matter how painful or difficult things get, everything is a lot more interesting.

And then, one-by-one, they told her, in their own ways, that she was mediocre.

And the seeds of doubt were planted.

It's February and a foot of snow has just fallen.


It's a gentle storm. You take my hand.


It's late and I have to go home soon, but we decide to go to your apartment anyway. Just for a bit.


You start running through the heaps of snow, so we can get there faster. So we can have more time.


This is my favourite memory of you.

New School, New Life...?

And so I've started a new school. For those of you who didn't know, as of a few weeks ago, I began a whole new journey at Bunka Fashion College. Which I guess is pretty cool.

If you had asked me about a year and a half ago where I thought I'd be at this point in life, this would honestly have been the last thing I would have come up with.

It's not that I didn't want to ever pursue a life in fashion, but I guess I just didn't expect to go back to school. Unless of course it was to go to grad school, and even there, I don't think I seriously would have expected I'd want to apply to that either. But here we are. At Bunka.

So far, it's been pretty fun, I guess. It isn't unicorns and rainbows, and it's only been a couple of weeks so I can't say we've gotten too far, but when we're actually working on making things, I'm not gonna lie, it's wonderful. It makes me super happy, even if I have to redo stitching, erase patterns, and start all over again. I really enjoy making shit, which is great.

However, it isn't easy. And I'm not talking about the actual content per se. But it's 100% in Japanese. Which isn't anything surprising. I mean, I knew that full on when I applied. But still. That aspect is hard. 

Because I don't understand everything that goes on. There are times when I understand so little of what the teacher is talking about. Or other times, when I understand everything, until the teacher explains what is and isn't to be handed in. And then it's like someone flipped a switch in my head, and the part that understands Japanese turns off completely. And I'm confused as all hell.

At the same time, I'm not the first foreign student to go to Bunka. And with my very white features, I absolutely stand out in the crowd, so I hope to God that my teachers are at least a little lenient about things (and the quality of my written works) because if not there's no way I'm going to pass this year. And that stresses me out to no end.

I know it's just the beginning, and in theory, even though the content will become more difficult, the ability to follow and understand should become easier. But I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to hand in anything. I'm scared of what they'll think when they see the way I write. And I sorta freak out every time I'm made to speak in class.

But I guess at the same time, it's part of growing up, right? Because if you look at any of my ID cards you'll know that I'm old enough to be a "grown up", whatever that means. So I shouldn't worry about the small stuff. I should be happy that I've come this far, and not give a shit about people will think.

But I can't help it.

In other news, I really can't wait to buy me some sewing machines! (Yes, some, cause apparently I need two? Hello poor student life!) I can't wait to make things! And maybe try and sell things too! I wanna go on a shopping spree at the school shop! It's like a craftsman's dream come true!! Everything you'd ever need or want in the same spot! Happiness and joy~!

By the way, this is how I feel about being 24, for the record lol

Graduation and 311

And so I graduated from KCP. As expected, I cried like a motherfucker. But I'm not going to lie, I was pretty much doomed from the start.

An old classmate and I were chosen to emcee a part of the ceremony, and so we had to show up earlier that day to practice our spiel. Because we were part of the show, that morning the teachers decided to show us the video that they had prepared for the ceremony, because we wouldn't be able to see it well from behind the curtains. Although they meant well, the video itself made me just sort of break down, and the entire practice session that followed was just a big teary mess. Luckily my partner was a really great guy, and pretty much took care of me the entire day.

Although I was able to put myself back together in time for the graduation itself, the second we all sat down in the big auditorium, and the official school people started giving their speeches, somehow I lost my control and just started crying again, on and off the entire ceremony.

Now, on the outside, I'm sure I just looked like some weird oversensitive girl, crying for some bizarre reasons at something that wasn't really all that sad to begin with. But there was a lot more behind it.

I started school at KCP in January 2011, and roughly two months after I started my first semester, the earthquake happened, and everything I thought about life changed completely. I was at school that day. And if it wasn't for the teachers and staff, I don't know how I would have survived emotionally on the day of the earthquake, or the many days to follow. The teachers stayed with us during the many aftershocks, and some of them that were stranded stayed with the students overnight. The man who eventually became my main teacher for six months guided my entire dorm home by foot that night, a journey that took almost three hours in the cold. Without him, I would have had to stay overnight as well, and although I didn't know what was going to be waiting for me back home, the fact that I could even go home made everything just a little less terrifying.

Following March 11th, classes were made optional and everybody left. Everybody. I continued to go to class because that was all I could do to keep my life somewhat normal, in a world that had literally lost all sense of stability. I had almost no friends left, almost no housemates, absolutely no family, and was emotionally cut off from the world. And throughout the months that followed, going to school was one of the only things that kept me sane.

So graduating from KCP wasn't just graduating from a language school. For me, it was leaving behind all the people who helped me through the most difficult period of my life.

So even though I'm absolutely the type to get emotional at any sort of parting of ways, somehow I had never had such an emotionally charged ending before. And so there was no way I wasn't going to cry.

みんな、お疲れさまでした〜！卒業おめでとうございます！また会いましょう♡

もう独りで歩けない

L'éclipse

I've fallen in love once again. With a song.

No reason to explain how or why. Just listen to it and be happy.

(Though, not gonna lie, my new love for this song is totally thanks to Akane, who reminded me of Mathieu Chedid's existence in one of her own blog posts last week or so. Sankyuuuu~! ♡)

In other news, today I was asked to be one of the MC's at our graduation ceremony on Friday. As much as I have pretty much no time to prepare for it, I've gotten sort of used to talking at these events, that I wasn't going to say no. Plus, I'm pretty much continuing my role from this summer's Speech Contest, so I guess everyone will be happy to see me on stage again.

This will be my third graduation ceremony at which I speak. I was the valedictorian in high school, the salutatorian in CEGEP, and now some sort of comic relief this time around. As much as I'm worried I might just cry in front of everyone (which would be horrible), it's always kind of nice to be asked to do such things. And they wrote the script for me, so there's almost no effort to be put in. Yay.

Another Day to Myself

I took another day for me today.

I was supposed to go to some fashion event. And truth be told, I thought it was going to be a really interesting event too. But for the last couple of days I had been sort of out of it, so I thought it best to just take some time for myself again. Spent hours in a coffee shop near my place, then jetted off to my friend's end of town for some more coffee and katsudon. And I was content.

It still hasn't quite sunk in that Friday is my graduation from my language school. And that a month from now I'm going to be starting another chapter of my academic life. And that that new chapter will be all kinds of terrifying... But at this exact moment I'm really too zen to stress out about that.

In other news, I've really gotten into Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. It took me forever to get through the first book (it's separated into two volumes in the Japanese version), but near the end of the first volume I started to really like it, and I've been speeding through the second one. If you know anything about me and books, you'd know that I don't read. Ever. So this is some sort of huge deal lol. But that being said, as I reach the end of the book I can't help but feel sort of sad, and sort of reluctant to try and read more of it right now. I could probably finish it tonight if I wanted to, but do I want to deal with the sadness that comes with finishing a book (especially because I know that the end of this one isn't particularly happy)? Granted, I guess it's better to finish it at home than speed-reading it in the train... hmm... (though talking about reading in a train, this book is filled with way more sex than I had originally anticipated, which makes reading it on the train a little awkward haha). Well it's either reading or FB for the next couple of hours, so I guess I'll try and get a few more pages in before calling it a night. おやすみ〜！☆

Mental Health Day

I had never called in sick before. Especially without being "sick."

But what can one consider "sick"? Throwing up? Fever? Rashes?

What about stress? Is stress a valid reason to call in sick?

Yesterday, I tried to quit my job. After being prepped by a whole support team, I marched over to my work, and tried to tell my boss that, due to health reasons, I could no longer work for her. Because for the last week or so, I have been battling all kinds of unhealthiness: Vomiting, lack of appetite, stomach aches, a fainting episode in the train, and numerous breakdowns waiting to happen. And with the exception of the vomiting that may have been due to bad food, pretty much all of the rest is directly stress-related. And nothing stresses me out as much as my work. But of course, I went in every day I was asked to last week without question. But over the weekend, something in my head snapped: I need to leave this place. It is not good for my physical, mental, or emotional health.

So bearing all this in mind, I did the impossible for someone like me: I confronted my boss. Only for her to ignore every single thing I said, play down my ailments, and act as if she couldn't understand what I was telling her. She encouraged me, however, to inform her of me being physically unwell so I wouldn't have to come in on those days.

After regrouping with my support team today, we decided the best thing for me to do was to call in sick today. Because truth be told, I felt like I wanted to vomit. I felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry forever. I felt like I might just fall apart if I went in today. I felt sick, because I am not well.

And now that I've stayed home one day, I'm not too sure what to do. Do I try to tell her again that I want to leave ASAP? Or do I try to stick it out till the end of March, and just tell her that I'll quit before the new school year starts in April?

I know that deep down I want out right now. But due to financial reasons, I should probably stay a little longer. Maybe when I go in tomorrow, I'll feel better about everything, because I've had a day to just recoup. But I wonder if that's not actually the worst case scenario after all...

Sundays...

What is it about Sundays that just make them so yucky?

You could be having a great week. And then, PAF, Sunday comes along and you feel like you just can't get anything done. And you feel like the city isn't moving at the right speed. And you feel like just coming home and doing nothing. And then you come home and feel guilty for doing nothing all day.

Yeah, that was the kind of Sunday that today was. Except this week wasn't great. It wasn't horrible either. But it was a hard week.

I failed JLPT Level 1 and am still not sure how to deal with it. I can't say that I needed the certification for anything. But I wanted it, and the fact that I failed it by two lousy points is just awful. If they held these exams more often and they didn't cost so much money to take, I probably wouldn't feel as shitty about the results. But between the ever-rising yen, and the fact that I feel absolutely financially screwed for the next few years of my life, I don't know if I should even consider retaking the exam in July.

Money has become a problem lately. Not because I have none of it, but because if I don't start saving now, I will be absolutely screwed once I enter school in April. So I feel guilty spending any money at all. And I feel trapped.

Work is also making me feel trapped and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm taking on more than I can emotionally take on because I need the money. And once April comes around, I will barely be working, which means money's going to get extremely tight.

I need to seriously look into some scholarships. And need to seriously start budgeting my money. And I need to seriously just learn to calm the fuck down a little.