I feel unwell.
Part of it is most definitely paranoia. I was informed this morning that an ex-coworker has gastro, and was at work yesterday.... which means that everything that she would have touched was still potentially infected when I went in today. People think I overthink these things, which may be true, but living with a doctor makes you so much more aware of the presence of germs, so let's just say I'm thoroughly freaked out right now.
To make matters worse, my grandmother was for sure sick with either a really bad cold or the flu when I went to see her today. My grandmother comes from 'Old Country', so things like constant hand-washing and soap are not super important practices for her. And when she's preparing all the food to be eaten at Christmas Eve supper, it seems almost impossible to dodge infection.
All this to say, with less than a week until I leave the country, my sickness paranoia is on high-alert.
I also think I'm just super tense. I feel the same kind of tenseness that I did for the first month or so of this semester. As much as I've been trying to convince myself that those constant feelings of sickness and nerves had to do with the stress of planning this now-upcoming Japan trip, I know deep down that that was not the major cause of my morning illnesses.
People talk about love as if it's some sort of wonderful experience, but I'm not so sure about that. I think that it must be, providing the object of one's affection is capable of returning these feelings. Love + Love = More Love. I guess that's the sort of equation that make up most working relationships. But when love is one-sided, it's a lot more tragic an experience. Maybe 'tragic' isn't the right word... 'traumatic' then? Love + No Love = Frustration, Sadness, Disappointment, and all other kinds of unfortunate emotions. Loving someone makes me feel physically sick. I can't sleep. I wake up feeling like I'm going to vomit. I get nervous. I get tense. My body does not know how to react with the message that my brain is giving it.
The sickness sort of subsided after the official rejection something like two months ago, but somehow it seems to be coming back and I don't know what to do. It isn't full-fledged, but in times like right now, when I'm stressed about other things, all I think about is him, and I wonder if these feelings will ever go away. I guess I just really wanted to see him before I left, and I'm starting to realize that that won't be a possibility, and my mind and body have gone into panic mode. To keep myself from breaking down in front of a class full of people, I pretty much ran out of class as fast I as I could that last day, which obviously meant no time for goodbyes. Then he didn't show to my going-away party, so there went that opportunity too.
I don't know why seeing him before I leave is so important to me. I guess I'm just weird like that. And if he ever finds this blog, he'll probably think I'm a grade-A creeper and there would go our friendship too. I don't know why I'm writing this in the first place. Maybe it's because it's Christmas. Maybe it's because I'm leaving. And maybe it's because I'm scared of losing something I never had.
Aw! Honey, you're not alone! That same thing totally happens to me! It was bad for the past few months. It took forever to fall asleep, I would wake up a bunch in the middle of the night, every morning I woke up feeling super nauseous for at least an hour or so - even threw up once or twice, had periods of my hair falling out in insane amounts, etc. It is a little better now, but my body totally betrays me because of my emotions too. You're definitely not a grade-A creeper. I'm jealous that you are going to Japan, I hope you have an awesome time! Fill your days with lots of distractions, and you'll feel better with time :)
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