望みは何かと訊かれたら・・・

・・・君がこの星に居てくれることだ

　 投稿者 yukimusicbox

Sometimes all it takes is someone's bad attitude and horrible words to put you in a shit mood all day. And today was no doubt one of those days.

I've always prided myself on the fact that it takes a whole lot to offend me. But that doesn't mean that I'm not easily hurt. In fact, it's somewhat the opposite.

But that being said, if I am to be hurt, let me be hurt by the people directly involved in the situation at hand. I don't need you to shit on my dreams, as unattainable as they may be, in the hopes of keeping me from being hurt later on. I'm not that frail that I need you to cushion the blow with your negative bullshit. You don't know me well enough to say what you said today, you've never met the other party involved, and you have no right to "save me" the pain of what may or may not come in the future. Furthermore, you have no right to say that you're telling me is "the truth." You aren't this other person, you have no idea of what's going on in someone else's head, so don't insist that you're right.

I know you could be right. I'm sure you probably are too. But I'm especially good at crushing my own hopes. I really don't need another party to help me feel like shit.

I really don't have all that many dreams. And some of them I am quite aware will never be realized. Because they're dreams, and thus not reality. But I don't need to be reminded of that. Because it is sometimes these tiny unattainable dreams that help us from falling apart in life. And I need every little bit of fake hope some days to keep me sane.

Please, Please, Please...

I'm starting to believe that Morrissey and Co. totally wrote all those Smiths songs about me, back in the 80s.

I mean, let's just ignore the fact that the Smiths broke up before I was even born....

...but I swear you can tell the story of my life through their song titles alone.

I've been listening to the song Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want a lot lately. Well, because there are things that I want in life that seem simple enough, and that I feel I never actually seem to have. That and because the song is wonderful.

But today, upon listening to it for the umpteenth time, I couldn't help but wonder: Am I just not getting what I want in life? or is it that I am getting what I want, but it turns out that what I wanted just isn't what I expected it to be?

Expect Less, Enjoy More

What you come to realize when you start to "grow up", is that when you're old enough to make your own decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself for the disappointments you feel.

It isn't others who disappoint us. It is us who place people higher than we should, and when these people fail to give us whatever fantastical things we have imagined that they would one day give us, we are hurt, angry and upset.

But these people have never promised us these things that we seem to want from them. It is us who projected things onto them.

And so it is unfair to be angry with them.




Which, I guess means that the only logical step to go from here is to try and want less. Try to expect less. And try to spend more time enjoying what we do have. Because without that, we have nothing at all.

Nine Months

I can't believe it's been a whole month since my last post!

Well, since my last update, I've finished yet another semester at school, I've moved into a guest house, and Japan and I have celebrated our nine month anniversary.

Nine months.

That being said, we've officially hit the point in time in which I was supposed to be back in Montreal. But here I am, in Tokyo. No regrets.

If I were a good blogger, I'd reflect upon how the last nine months have been eye-opening and worldview-changing, but we all know I'm not like that. That being said, here's to another nine months, Tokyo!

Not gonna lie, I do need to finally get my ass in gear and start applying for part-time work. That or I'll start running out of money. Not that I'm that attached to money per se, but more money means more time in Japan. And I'm still not ready to leave.

I'm sure I'll hit a point when it'll be time to go home. I don't think Tokyo is my forever home. But it's my for-now home, and I plan to enjoy it as much as I can while I'm here. :)

Roller Coaster Pinky

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. But so long as there are ups, I have to think positively.

The downs, well, they aren't the bad kind of downs, but the foreboding future-deciding downs.

For one, I've chosen to extend my stay in Japan for at least one more semester. Which is absolutely a good thing. But with extending my stay, means having to find a new place to live, which is stressing me out like hell. And when Pinky stresses out, she avoids dealing with said stressor, and thus the problem is not solved.

And because I really don't want to dwell on that horrible reality, that's as far as I'm taking up that update for now.

Another horrible reality, is that I'm trying to figure out what to do post-KCP (KCP being the name of my language school). Do I apply to grad school? Do I try to find a job? And if I do want to work, as what? And if I do want to do grad school, I need to seriously get my ass in gear and get on those applications.

But as with the previously mentioned stress-topic, this is as far as I'm going to take this as well for now.

See where I'm getting at? I don't want to face my problems. But I really have no choice but to face them. And fast. Cause I'm running out of time to dilly-dally.

But let's talk about fun things too. Because, I enjoy fun things~! (And you should too!)

I had a really good weekend~! Even though I was feeling sorta anti-social on Saturday, I got invited by some Harajuku Fashion Friends to some event, so I decided what the hell, and went. And it was super fun~! I got to go to a part of town I'd never been to, and take trains I'd never taken, and as I love exploring and trains, such things inevitably make me quite excited. Then the event itself, which was pretty small-scale and underground-ish, was a lot of fun too. I look forward to the next one~!

Then on Sunday I walked around all over town~! First from Shibuya to Daikanyama. Then all over Daikanyama. Then back to Shibuya. And finally from Shibuya to Shinjuku. I'm aware this means almost nothing to most people reading it, but it was a significant amount of walking, which makes me super happy. Needless to say, my legs were super sore when I woke up this morning, but no regrets! When it gets a little cooler, maybe I'll try to walk the entirety of the Yamanote Line (which I heard takes something like twelve hours to complete)!

So Pinky's conclusion of the day: So long as there are ups, I can find a way to get through the downs. Fuck do I ever sound like one of those positive people today lol.

Public Figures and Death: My Two Cents

I had literally just come home from a huge rant about why I don't really care about celebrity deaths to find my Facebook overflowing with "RIP Jack Layton" updates. And my first thought was that it would be especially hypocritical of me to care.

Now, I'm not going to say that celebrities and politicians are one and the same. Because they are altogether different people, in the public eye for different reasons. But it is because of their presence in the public eye that makes people want to care, is it not?

I never knew anything about Jack Layton, mainly because I am generally uninterested in the world of politics. And perhaps because I am from a "free", "safe", "advanced" country, regardless of who I vote for in elections, the future of my country will pretty much stay the same. But, besides that, I vote Liberal based on whatever uninformed preconceptions I have, and am happy doing so.

In this past election, living abroad and overwhelmed with a whole new sense of indifference, I didn't bother to vote. I can't say I'm necessarily proud of that, but that's just the way it is. I didn't vote and that's that. But if I had voted, it would have been Liberal. Just because.

That being said, the only things I have ever associated with Jack Layton are bright orange and that vandalized election poster that read "E.Jack.U.Layton." That is as much as he has ever meant to me, and that's as far as it will ever go.

I'm sure he was a great man with great visions for Canada. And perhaps things would have changed had he come into power. And perhaps he was the popular youth vote. And perhaps he motivated people in ways I cannot understand.

But perhaps it was also extremely irresponsible of him to run in the last election. If he really was this sick, what was the point of running in the first place? Would it not be your responsibility, as party leader, to step down knowing that you might not be around much longer? Had he been voted in instead of Harper, I feel like this would have just spawned another election, or at least widespread anger across the country.

Every death is sad. And when it comes to politicians, one could argue that they wanted to help the world, and the fact that they have died means that their visions for the country may never be realized. But I also believe that everyone has their own problems in life, and to go out of my way to mourn for someone who I have never known personally, and is not someone who has ever meant anything to me, is a little silly.

Everyone has public figures that they adore or respect or want to marry or whatever. And, anyone who knows anything about me knows that there's at least one celebrity that I would marry in a heartbeat. People like to like people in the spotlight. And if any of those people of yours were to pass away, I think it's absolutely fair to mourn. Because for whatever reason, they meant something to you. But jumping on public figure mourning bandwagons is something I look down upon like nothing else.

Before Michael Jackson died, he was a seen as a huge creeper and pedophile. When he died, he became seen as a misunderstood genius overnight. Amy Winehouse was a crack addict, and people were so sad about the loss of "great talent" when she died of her addictions.

But there are countless good people who die everyday. Good, anonymous people. And no one gives a shit about these people. And that is the bigger tragedy, in my opinion.

So before you label me as a huge heartless bitch, think about this all for a minute. Go pick up a newspaper and read the obituaries of regular people. Give them a minute of silence. Don't give it to those who have already had more than their 15 min of fame.

The Grass is Just as Green

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. And so long as you are human, it is natural to feel jealous of others.

Because the grass is always greener on the other side.

But upon further inspection, is the grass really all that greener? Or is it simply another shade of green altogether?

About a month ago, we were made to write speeches in class, and one girl's speech was exactly about this. Quoting someone else, she said something along the lines of, "If you are going to be jealous of someone's abilities, be jealous of all the hardships they had to go through in order to get there."

No one really gets a free pass in life. Some people have more money. Some people are naturally pretty. Some people are extremely bright. But no one is especially perfect, and everyone has their own problems, regardless of how flawless or superb they seem.

Every person you meet is made up of every single experience that took place in their lives up until now. And if you consider all the traumatic and upsetting things that have happened in your own life, you can only assume that the other has gone through at least as many horrible events.

This is not to say that some people have it worse off than others, because we all know that the world isn't fair. But in general, most people are on a pretty equal level of average.

So why am I bringing this up all of a sudden? Because I am surrounded by foreigners who speak Japanese so much better than I do, and this in itself is an extremely frustrating thing. But it isn't fair to be jealous of them. Most of them are Korean, and their vocabulary and grammar are extremely similar. Others are Chinese, and don't have to spend as much time learning characters. And every now and then you'll find a random white kid who is just naturally amazing at languages. But some of them are older than me. Some of them have never gone to university. Some of them have had to undergo mandatory time in the army. Some of them sleep throughout class because of how they spend so much time working part-time jobs in order to support themselves.

And here I am, at 23, with a Bachelor's degree from a good university, fluent in two extremely important world languages, and here thanks to a supporting family. This isn't to say that life is easy. Because life isn't easy regardless of what you have. But at the end of the day, I really have nothing to complain about.